2 jokes for you

heres the first it is ok:
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, a half gallon of orange juice, and a pound of bacon. As she was unloading her cart at the checkout, a drunk man stood behind her,
watching her place her items on the counter.

The drunk man says,: "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled, looks at her four items on the counter, and seeing nothing unusual about her selections says: "Well y'know, that's right. But how on earth did you know
that?"

The drunk says: "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."



heres the 2nd one a little bit better: it is a little long but it is good i think
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of
golf.....Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot
right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to
the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll
have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how
much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the
door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was
done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle
was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people
that
broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle
for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm
allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish,
but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment
and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the
rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the
least
I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie
asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with
servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will
always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish,
genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't
been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is
to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you
know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What
do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I
wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent
the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie
was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled
over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old
are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO KIDDING? Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"

:lol2: :lol2:

:) :D

the both ruled...i laughed my ass off at the second one.:D :D :silly2:

don't worry more jokes to come see new threads

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