What am I to do?

Ok I've(20) been dating my boyfriend(20) for about 3 1/2 years now and he says he loves me. Well a little over a year ago he said that he thought I was self-centered, too immature, and pretty much said that he thought I wasn't that smart. He had lost interest in me completely so he says. Well he ended up breaking up with me, but then only 30 mins later i went to see him and he started crying and said he was sorry and didnt want to loose me. Now I really care for him and I think I am in love with him and I can see myself marrying him in like 4-5 years and spending my life with him. But not even 6 months ago he said he cant see ever marrying me, that his main prioroty is himself. But all the sudden I bought him a really nice watch so inturn he says he wants to buy me a promise ring, which i have been wanting for a long time now.

Now am I the only one that thinks he only bought me that ring because I bought him the watch or do you think he actually means that me wants to be with me? He is so moody and I really worry(like really worry) that he will end up loosing interest in me again. The first time this happened it hurt me real bad. After going threw that and us being together for this long it would hurt even worse if he were to do it again. What do you think I should do?

(assuming this is a serious post, not just fishing/trolling)

Buying each other's affection with gifts is a shallow, superficial attempt at bribery. It means nothing in the long run of an emotionally involved relationship - they are mere posessions.

He doesn't sound like he has a clue what he wants - to go, to stay and be moody and make you miserable, etc.

My personal thoughts from reading your post are you should break up with him. Do it like a bandaid - clean break, right off, no contact - not even as friends. It simply doesn't work and continuing to see each other as 'freinds' will cause more pain in the long run.

Put simply, your relationship sounds doomed to fail, so it's better to end it now than prolong the pain.

I got married when I was 20. Our relationship has been a roller coaster ride. We have broke up and were in the middle of a divorce when we reconcilled. There have been a few times when I have questioned things. The one thing that I have learned is that it has to be about yourself. You must make the decisions based on how you feel. If you love him then give it a chance. If not then either let it go or just give it time to see what happens. A hard lesson I had to learn is to live only in the present. If you are living in the past and bringing up past transgressions between the two of you it won't allow you to ever be happy. You will be constantly thinking or acting based on what happened before. If you think about what happened in the past and worry that it might happen in the future, that will ruin things as well. The only thing that we can do is live in the present. Forget about what has happened and what might happen and just be with the here and now. You may get hurt in the long run and things may not go the way you want. You just can't control what he is going to do. You want him to be there because he wants too, not because he feels that he has to or is worried about how you might feel if he's not.

My 2 cents.

I'm going to have to side with Oz on this issue and recommend (only that) that you consider ending this relationship and take a break from dating to determine what you are looking for in a partner.

I'm 22 years old and will actually be getting married in April and one thing stuck out to me while reading the early portion of your post: You said "I think I am in love with him." While I understand that many young relationships have this thought creep through them, for someone who has been dating the same person for nearly 4 years and is talking of the possibility of marriage in the future, being unsure of your love for him isn't something to simply compromise on and say "well, he'll grow up some more" or "I can help him change."

To put in bluntly, you either love someone or you don't. That's not to say you don't care about him - you can care about someone, his or her well being, and not have that connection that tells your mind "I love this person." It's a nice thought to think you can grow to love someone, but that's more of an exercise of cheating yourself out of the opportunity to be happy by staying in a relationship that you think will go somewhere or hope that he will change as the years progress and you stick by him.

While the idea of getting a promise ring is nice, the way it seems to me is that he's getting it for you because he feels he has to now that you have given him a watch, not because he wants to out of love. My honest guess is that he has no idea why someone would give a promise ring - only that you want one and that, because you gave him a watch, he should give you the ring.

You're 20 years old, either in college or just getting into the world and have a lot left ahead of you and at this point in your life, should be thinking of yourself. Even in my relationship with my fiance, we both take time for ourselves to do the things that we want to do. Just because you are together does not mean that you have to be the same person - trying to do such a thing will ruin a relationship very quickly. So, it's ok to be a little self-centered.

That said, make sure that your decision to stay with him or break up with him (as I said earlier, I only recommend that you break it off, based on what I've read) is made because you feel it is the best decision for you, as Indyram said.

It's okay to be a little bit self-centered, but not much. Sure you've got to act based on your gut feelings, but there's a big difference between being self-centered and being self-aware. If you're all about yourself, then the only way you are going to stand a chance at being happy in a relationship is to do nothing but take, and that's certainly not what love is about. It's okay to think of yourself first when you're single, but as soon as you enter into a relationship I think you have to put the other person on an equal level of priority.

The happiest couples I know are the ones that have realized that it's not taking, but rather giving completely and wholly of themselves that makes you feel better than anything else. But you have to want to do it, not just feel like you should. It doesn't really sound to me like your boyfriend is doing this, and from what he has apparently said about you maybe it goes both ways.

I certainly won't tell anybody I don't know to end their relationship based on a couple paragraph description of what is going on, but I think you need to be prepared for that as a possible outcome. Nobody can tell you what the right thing to do is because you'll only find out if you made the right decision after you do it, if you can ever really know for sure. I think the best advice I can give you is that things he does that look like big red warning flags are exactly that. (Like the comment from 6 mos ago, EVER being the operative word) They say love is blind, and people will certainly choose to believe what suits them and ignore the evidence that leads to unpleasant conclusions, no matter how glaring it might be.

I guess I kinda skipped over the in love part a littel bit. My relationship with my wife has been a roller coaster ride for many reasons, which I won't get into. For so long I asked myself, "How do I know I am in love with her?" I tried searching online for advice or some sort of big flashing light. In the end I talked to a good friend of mine that I trust completely. I was told that it's just something you know. That was how I knew at the time. Things have changed now, but at the time there was just a way that I felt. My heart raced when I saw her, it made me weak being around her, when I was away from her she was all I could think about, and the biggest thing was whether I could picture myself spending the rest of my life with her. At the time that was how I felt, I no longer do. Like I said it is for many reasons that I no longer feel that way. The only reason I tell you is because love is a strange and mysterious thing. We can't control it. We can only try to go with it. Not to say that you may be totally in love with someone and years down the road that may change. You have to live for the here and the now. I am no expert, but ask yourself the things that I have listed above. Do you feel that way? If not then I would take a good hard look at where you are and where things are going. I hope this helps.

Thank you all very much for the advice. I really appreciate it.

There has been some good advice posted. I would never tell anybody to end a relationship based on reading some Internet post, however...

I've been married to my wife for almost 6 years and we've lived together for 8 years. Through thick and thin and many good times and bad we've supported each other. We've given each other freedoms to do what we want. We've also relied on our love for each other to cope with the many hardships the world has thrown at us. Financial burdens were a big issue and we overcame them through time. But the biggest burden and has made our lives more difficult has been the changes we've both experienced through medical conditions. Everyone knows that people change. Sometimes you see those "red flags" and you know when to quit. We've thought we've seen them. My wife and I both have attitudes and do whatever we feel like. After being married for 2.5 year we both were stricken with medical conditions at the same time. My attitude sometimes gets the best of me with mood swings and outbursts (that I've managed to control better) due to blood/sugar irregularities with my type-2 diabetes. My wife has thyroid issues and has to take medication for that which gives her side effects of anxiety. So we are both quite a handful sometimes. But we KNOW that we love each other. And I sincerely believe that is the basis for what maintains the strong bond in our relationship. Granted, only experience can determine anything for your situation. GL

To JSwigs, congrats on the pending nuptuals.

Now am I the only one that thinks he only bought me that ring because I bought him the watch or do you think he actually means that me wants to be with me? He is so moody and I really worry(like really worry) that he will end up loosing interest in me again. The first time this happened it hurt me real bad. After going threw that and us being together for this long it would hurt even worse if he were to do it again. What do you think I should do? sounds like me when I was that age. I would do things to string my girlfriend along while I searching for another girlfriend. At that age I think its still mainly about sex. He probably wants to poke everything around still, but feels bad because you two probably went thru a lot together and he cares about you. I agree with the others who said to end it now. He may wise up quicker when he realizes its over for real. You may find you don't need him but he needs you. Thats the way it worked for me anyway. :2cents:

Nope, too easy to ask what his "love" is.

I see three problems. and you quoted them your self.
"Ok I've(20) been dating my boyfriend(20) for about 3 1/2 years now "
Awfull young. but not domed.
Just take time and see where it goes, I was married when I was 16 and am 45 now.
When I said I do, I ment it. NO truning back, richer and poorer, sickness and health and been down that road all our lives.
If a marrige lasts six months nowdays it is a mirical. Noone has the respest for vows anymore.
It is socialy exceptable.
You make it what you want.
Remember one thing.
Girls mature faster than guys do. In most cases.