Major Electrical Problems...I think

Hey
I'm having a few too many issues with my black ss beauty, and it's getting really overwhelming! Can anyone shed a little light on my situation?
First of all, when I'm driving the headlights and instrument panel lights, well every single light in the car flickers on and off and clicks. Why? no idea. It happens when I'm driving and when I'm idling. Just put a new battery in and made sure all the connections are secure, and the ground wire is good.
My precious door locks don't work anymore. Not with keyless entry and not even with the buttons in the car. I've checked all of the fuses and they are all fine.
And the Passlock light on the instrument panel lights up, and goes off. Lights up and goes off. When I use the keyless entry device to 'lock' my car, well it doesn't lock (I've explained the power locks don't work) but the horn beeps and the lights flash, as the car normally did before all of this stuff started happeneing, to let me know the alarm was set. So is there a problem?
And the last thing is my signals. They work intermittently, and I'm pretty sure its the relay, but I can't find it. I know its supose to be under the steering wheel, but I've been under there and I can't find it! Does anyone know exactly where it is? Again, I've checked the fuses and all are fine.
Any help would be appreciated. Except for the obvious statements telling me to take it in to a dealer and get them to fix it, lol

:) Sounds to me your car alarm/command starter could be the trickster here, personally I would go under dash find the little (black box / brain) and unplug it see if this helps, i kno my alarm/starter when i open my door the lights on cluster and all blink on and off till i start car, it may not reconize the ignition being turned over, thus locking out your door locks, if its a anti theft device. It could all so very well be a CPU, hope not (knock on wood) what yrs the monte? i may be able to help with the relay location..hope this helps

It's a 2001. Hmm...so I'll try to unplugg the alarm/command starter and if things stop flashing and the locks work that means I'd have to replace the starter, right? Sorry I'm not really a car buff, but I love my baby lol But what would I do if it was the computer? How expensive would that be to fix, any idea? Thanks for such a quick reply, I've been going crazy with mycar, hating it, but loving it lol

CPU can run fairly expensive around 5-800$ canadian its sad i kno but i really beleive its the alarm doing this and no if you unplug this and it works for you, all you have to do is not use your luxary features like alarm,command,locks ect. do not remove starter for no reason

The turn signal relay is routed through the hazard switch. The next time the signals do not work push the hazard switch on and off and it will reset the turn signal relay. The fix is to replace the hazard switch itself. It cost $40 from the Chevrolet dealership. How many miles does you car have on it? When was the last time the serpentine drive belt was replaced? On your voltmeter in the upper left hand side of the dash cluster is it reading 16 or higher? Is your car under warranty? Take it to a dealership and have them run the codes.