thaught these was funny
karmacae
01-18-2007, 06:00 PM
Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy
Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy
Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is
kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of
wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
---------------------
South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
-----------------------------
a man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags, and he asks, "where do you think you're going?"
"vegas" she answers, "i hear that i can get $400 a pop for what i've been you for free all these years!"
the man quietly turns around and starts packing his own bag.
"where do you think you're going?" asks the wife.
"vegas," he answers.
"for what?" she asks.
"to watch you live on $800 a year!"
------
>I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Katie and was
>in line to checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
>I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting
>The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
>up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I had
>awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
>orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I
>went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.
>I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it
>works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply
>eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
>nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention
>here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my
>story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if
>something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in
>the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my
>butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be
>carried out the door.
-------
BLIND WAL-MART CLERK:
>
> A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
> birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one,
> and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
> wearing dark shades....
>
> She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
> reel?"
>
> He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
> counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
> sound it makes.
>
> She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
>
> He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
> reel and 10-LB test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
> on sale this week for only $20.00."
>
> She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
> of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse,
> her credit card drops on the floor.
>
> "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
>
> She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first
> she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
> clerk could tell who it was.
>
> The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
>
> The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it
> was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
>
> He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
> is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy
Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy
Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is
kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of
wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
---------------------
South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
-----------------------------
a man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags, and he asks, "where do you think you're going?"
"vegas" she answers, "i hear that i can get $400 a pop for what i've been you for free all these years!"
the man quietly turns around and starts packing his own bag.
"where do you think you're going?" asks the wife.
"vegas," he answers.
"for what?" she asks.
"to watch you live on $800 a year!"
------
>I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog Katie and was
>in line to checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
>I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting
>The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
>up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I had
>awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
>orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I
>went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.
>I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it
>works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply
>eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
>nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention
>here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my
>story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if
>something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in
>the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my
>butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be
>carried out the door.
-------
BLIND WAL-MART CLERK:
>
> A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
> birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one,
> and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
> wearing dark shades....
>
> She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
> reel?"
>
> He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
> counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
> sound it makes.
>
> She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
>
> He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
> reel and 10-LB test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
> on sale this week for only $20.00."
>
> She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
> of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse,
> her credit card drops on the floor.
>
> "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
>
> She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first
> she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
> clerk could tell who it was.
>
> The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
>
> The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it
> was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
>
> He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
> is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
Toksin
01-18-2007, 09:16 PM
Some great english spelling and grammar in the thread title :thumbsup:
fredjacksonsan
01-19-2007, 08:56 AM
Some great english spelling and grammar in the thread title :thumbsup:
You have to put in the strong Texas accent to get it :lol:
You have to put in the strong Texas accent to get it :lol:
Automotive Network, Inc., Copyright ©2025