some funny stuff..........
ragt20
08-15-2002, 04:59 PM
My 7 yr old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told him the tv was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time. The tv set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason. I'd give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, was no big deal to me.
The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son answered the door. At that time I was trying to get the tv to come back on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".
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I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...
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After a long night of passion, young Malcolm rolled over, pulled
out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
Malcolm opened the bedside drawer and found a box of matches
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, Malcolm began to worry. "Er...Is this your husband?"
he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied", snuggling up to him.
"Well, Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered Malcolm.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me.....before the operation."
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Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking at each other, in a park, for a hundred years. One day, a genie came to visit them and said that since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and winters, they would be rewarded by half an hour of human life, to do what they had been wanting to do most.
So the two statues came to life, looked at each other a bit shyly, and laughed a bit and said "Shall We?" and "Yes Let's." So they dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
After a quarter of an hour, they came out from behind the bushes all hot and flustered and happy. The genie said they had used only half their time and why didn't they start all over again. So the statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "OK, let's do it again. Only this time, we'll do it the other way around... I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on it!!"
:hehehe:
The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son answered the door. At that time I was trying to get the tv to come back on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a long night of passion, young Malcolm rolled over, pulled
out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
Malcolm opened the bedside drawer and found a box of matches
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, Malcolm began to worry. "Er...Is this your husband?"
he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied", snuggling up to him.
"Well, Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered Malcolm.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me.....before the operation."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking at each other, in a park, for a hundred years. One day, a genie came to visit them and said that since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and winters, they would be rewarded by half an hour of human life, to do what they had been wanting to do most.
So the two statues came to life, looked at each other a bit shyly, and laughed a bit and said "Shall We?" and "Yes Let's." So they dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
After a quarter of an hour, they came out from behind the bushes all hot and flustered and happy. The genie said they had used only half their time and why didn't they start all over again. So the statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "OK, let's do it again. Only this time, we'll do it the other way around... I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on it!!"
:hehehe:
YogsVR4
08-15-2002, 05:07 PM
Bravo! Encore! :D
YellowMaranello
08-15-2002, 10:01 PM
Originally posted by ragt20
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...
*goes looking for the nearest cop writing tickets*
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...
*goes looking for the nearest cop writing tickets*
darkness
08-15-2002, 11:54 PM
Originally posted by ragt20
Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking at each other, in a park, for a hundred years. One day, a genie came to visit them and said that since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and winters, they would be rewarded by half an hour of human life, to do what they had been wanting to do most.
So the two statues came to life, looked at each other a bit shyly, and laughed a bit and said "Shall We?" and "Yes Let's." So they dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
After a quarter of an hour, they came out from behind the bushes all hot and flustered and happy. The genie said they had used only half their time and why didn't they start all over again. So the statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "OK, let's do it again. Only this time, we'll do it the other way around... I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on it!!"
:hehehe:
Heard it before but still a fave:hehehe:
Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking at each other, in a park, for a hundred years. One day, a genie came to visit them and said that since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and winters, they would be rewarded by half an hour of human life, to do what they had been wanting to do most.
So the two statues came to life, looked at each other a bit shyly, and laughed a bit and said "Shall We?" and "Yes Let's." So they dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
After a quarter of an hour, they came out from behind the bushes all hot and flustered and happy. The genie said they had used only half their time and why didn't they start all over again. So the statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "OK, let's do it again. Only this time, we'll do it the other way around... I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on it!!"
:hehehe:
Heard it before but still a fave:hehehe:
tazdev
08-16-2002, 02:58 AM
ROTFLMFAO
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