THE Muscletang joke thread
Muscletang
06-19-2006, 05:57 PM
Do I need to explain this anymore? They're not my best but oh well, enjoy them damnit.
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"
The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves"
--------------------------------------------------------
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
--------------------------------------------------------
A middle-aged Jewish widow is walking through the park, when she sees a middle-aged man sitting on a bench. The man strikes her fancy, so she goes over and sits down next to him.
They sit there in silence for fifteen minutes, so the woman decides that she must take the initiative.
She turns to the man and sweetly asks, "Do you like pussycats?"
The man's eyes widen and he turns to her, breaking into a broad smile. "How did you know," he asks, "that my name is Katz?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
"And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief. But then the patient added, "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems."
"What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water."
"Hmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully.
"That's not all," continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blowjob, she gets heartburn."
"Hmm," said the doctor, as his face reddened.
"It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand....I get a hard-on."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Do me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even prettier lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Just do me like crazy here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a city boy who had just moved into the country. He went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for.
The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female. The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pull-it."
The city boy confused asked him what he meant.
The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pull-it is a female chicken."
The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm.
A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was.
The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars."
The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey out side in your yard."
The man just said, "That's an ass."
The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh." and bought the donkey.
As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again."
So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away.
So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful women walks up and asks him if he needs help.
The city boy thinks, hey why don't I try to impress this beautiful women by using my new slang terms that I learned today. So the city boy turns to the woman and says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lone Ranger is about to be hung by rustlers who caught him spying on their camp.
His only hope is Tonto, who managed to escape and go for help.
As the bandits are putting the noose around the Lone Ranger's neck, he sees three horses approaching at a gallop. Sure enough, as they get closer he can see that it is Tonto on the first horse, but he can't make out who the other two riders are.
The Lone Ranger finally sees that Tonto is riding with two beautiful naked women. On is blond, and the other one brunette.
The riders burst into the robbers' camp, and Tonto rides up to the Lone Ranger, saying, "Kemosabe, I have returned with the people you asked me to get."
"Tonto, you idiot," says the Lone Ranger, "I told you to go get posse!"
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"
The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves"
--------------------------------------------------------
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
--------------------------------------------------------
A middle-aged Jewish widow is walking through the park, when she sees a middle-aged man sitting on a bench. The man strikes her fancy, so she goes over and sits down next to him.
They sit there in silence for fifteen minutes, so the woman decides that she must take the initiative.
She turns to the man and sweetly asks, "Do you like pussycats?"
The man's eyes widen and he turns to her, breaking into a broad smile. "How did you know," he asks, "that my name is Katz?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
"And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with a pickled onion.
Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" asked the doctor.
"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief. But then the patient added, "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems."
"What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water."
"Hmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully.
"That's not all," continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blowjob, she gets heartburn."
"Hmm," said the doctor, as his face reddened.
"It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand....I get a hard-on."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Do me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even prettier lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Just do me like crazy here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a city boy who had just moved into the country. He went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for.
The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female. The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pull-it."
The city boy confused asked him what he meant.
The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pull-it is a female chicken."
The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm.
A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was.
The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars."
The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey out side in your yard."
The man just said, "That's an ass."
The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh." and bought the donkey.
As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again."
So the city boy is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away.
So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful women walks up and asks him if he needs help.
The city boy thinks, hey why don't I try to impress this beautiful women by using my new slang terms that I learned today. So the city boy turns to the woman and says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pull-it while I scratch my ass?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lone Ranger is about to be hung by rustlers who caught him spying on their camp.
His only hope is Tonto, who managed to escape and go for help.
As the bandits are putting the noose around the Lone Ranger's neck, he sees three horses approaching at a gallop. Sure enough, as they get closer he can see that it is Tonto on the first horse, but he can't make out who the other two riders are.
The Lone Ranger finally sees that Tonto is riding with two beautiful naked women. On is blond, and the other one brunette.
The riders burst into the robbers' camp, and Tonto rides up to the Lone Ranger, saying, "Kemosabe, I have returned with the people you asked me to get."
"Tonto, you idiot," says the Lone Ranger, "I told you to go get posse!"
Toksin
06-19-2006, 06:06 PM
Hehe :thumbsup:
quteasabutton
06-19-2006, 06:09 PM
hehe classic! very good selections this time
<3 you! lol
<3 you! lol
Damien
06-19-2006, 06:41 PM
"hold my cock and pull-it" :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
last one was good to, but i think i saw it on here before...probably you! :p
last one was good to, but i think i saw it on here before...probably you! :p
Rally Sport
06-19-2006, 07:05 PM
:lol2: Funny stuff
Mr Wiggl3s
06-19-2006, 07:19 PM
The last one are funny
crayzayjay
06-19-2006, 07:37 PM
Last one just about rescues the others...
Quickshift
06-19-2006, 08:03 PM
nice
Igovert500
06-20-2006, 04:36 AM
Heard most of them before, but good nonetheless.
Jimster
06-20-2006, 05:01 AM
:yugosmili
79Bandit
06-20-2006, 01:39 PM
Eh, not your best but still halarious i dont get the third one however.
2.2 Straight six
06-20-2006, 01:44 PM
A middle-aged Jewish widow is walking through the park, when she sees a middle-aged man sitting on a bench. The man strikes her fancy, so she goes over and sits down next to him.
They sit there in silence for fifteen minutes, so the woman decides that she must take the initiative.
She turns to the man and sweetly asks, "Do you like pussycats?"
The man's eyes widen and he turns to her, breaking into a broad smile. "How did you know," he asks, "that my name is Katz?"
cats/katz sounds the same.
so she effectively said...
"do you like pussy, katz?"
got it?
They sit there in silence for fifteen minutes, so the woman decides that she must take the initiative.
She turns to the man and sweetly asks, "Do you like pussycats?"
The man's eyes widen and he turns to her, breaking into a broad smile. "How did you know," he asks, "that my name is Katz?"
cats/katz sounds the same.
so she effectively said...
"do you like pussy, katz?"
got it?
Mr Wiggl3s
06-20-2006, 02:00 PM
What the fuck are you talking about?
2.2 Straight six
06-20-2006, 04:07 PM
the joke fuckwit. bandit said he didn't get it, hence me explaining it.
believe it or not, actually reading the posts help you understand them!
believe it or not, actually reading the posts help you understand them!
-The Stig-
06-20-2006, 04:12 PM
Easy girls, keep it on topic please.
00accord44
06-20-2006, 04:16 PM
fuckwit
:spit: Now thats funny!
:spit: Now thats funny!
Mr Wiggl3s
06-20-2006, 04:51 PM
the joke fuckwit. bandit said he didn't get it, hence me explaining it.
believe it or not, actually reading the posts help you understand them!
Damn damn clam down, go get a tampon or something
believe it or not, actually reading the posts help you understand them!
Damn damn clam down, go get a tampon or something
2.2 Straight six
06-20-2006, 04:55 PM
Damn damn clam down, go get a tampon or something
don't worry about me, i'm calm as a coma.
and if you don't mind, i prefer pads.
don't worry about me, i'm calm as a coma.
and if you don't mind, i prefer pads.
Mr Wiggl3s
06-20-2006, 05:00 PM
Everyone prefers pads now n days, whats wrong with yall
00accord44
06-20-2006, 05:12 PM
You've seen the commercials. Pads got wings, guard rails, turbos, all kinds of shit now. Who wouldn't want to wear one?
2.2 Straight six
06-20-2006, 05:17 PM
You've seen the commercials. Pads got wings, guard rails, turbos, all kinds of shit now. Who wouldn't want to wear one?
mine also have this cool red splash pattern.
mine also have this cool red splash pattern.
-The Stig-
06-20-2006, 05:22 PM
mine also have this cool red splash pattern.
Is it House of Kolor or Vinyl?
And, do you have the Bomex or Wings West kit?
Is it House of Kolor or Vinyl?
And, do you have the Bomex or Wings West kit?
2.2 Straight six
06-20-2006, 05:24 PM
it's my own formula.
it's do-luck, the spoiler.
it's do-luck, the spoiler.
Toksin
06-20-2006, 05:51 PM
Yeah chris, clam down man!
CLAM DOWN!!
YOU'LL KILL US ALL
CLAM DOWN!!
YOU'LL KILL US ALL
2.2 Straight six
06-20-2006, 05:52 PM
Yeah chris, clam down man!
CLAM DOWN!!
YOU'LL KILL US ALL
like i said, calm as a coma.
fuck it, i'm going for nap..
CLAM DOWN!!
YOU'LL KILL US ALL
like i said, calm as a coma.
fuck it, i'm going for nap..
Toksin
06-20-2006, 06:21 PM
like i said, calm as a coma.
fuck it, i'm going for nap..
I didn't say anything about calm. I said clam.
I know you're perfectly calm...
Wiggl3s made a typo and I'm grasping at straws here trying to extract some funny out of it, gimme a break bro :/
fuck it, i'm going for nap..
I didn't say anything about calm. I said clam.
I know you're perfectly calm...
Wiggl3s made a typo and I'm grasping at straws here trying to extract some funny out of it, gimme a break bro :/
thecackster
06-20-2006, 07:39 PM
i don't see much funny about that at all..haha....the jokes were okay though.
nugundam93
06-20-2006, 08:31 PM
nice ones! :D
2.2 Straight six
06-21-2006, 12:08 AM
I didn't say anything about calm. I said clam.
I know you're perfectly calm...
Wiggl3s made a typo and I'm grasping at straws here trying to extract some funny out of it, gimme a break bro :/
uh...my head hurts. it's too early for typo jokes..
I know you're perfectly calm...
Wiggl3s made a typo and I'm grasping at straws here trying to extract some funny out of it, gimme a break bro :/
uh...my head hurts. it's too early for typo jokes..
fredjacksonsan
06-21-2006, 08:11 AM
Jokes good.
Arguments bad.
Feminine products discussion + clam typo = :lol::lol::rofl::lol::rofl:
Arguments bad.
Feminine products discussion + clam typo = :lol::lol::rofl::lol::rofl:
79Bandit
06-22-2006, 12:50 AM
the joke fuckwit. bandit said he didn't get it, hence me explaining it.
believe it or not, actually reading the posts help you understand them!
ohhhhh i get it....eh i should of been a blonde
P.S - I shall now be known as the joke fuckwit
believe it or not, actually reading the posts help you understand them!
ohhhhh i get it....eh i should of been a blonde
P.S - I shall now be known as the joke fuckwit
Mr Wiggl3s
06-22-2006, 12:18 PM
I have a joke that a guy told me:
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
Automotive Network, Inc., Copyright ©2025