Jokes

Got jokes?

Frank was excited about his new rifle.. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. As the sound of the rifle shot faded away, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have s*x."

Frank decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, where he found the black bear and shot it. As the sound of the rifle shot faded away, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough s*x."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly, and shot it. He felt sweet revenge. As the sound of the rifle shot faded away, there was a tap on his shoulder.

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
:rofl:

I Went Downstairs For Breakfast Hoping My Wife Would Be Pleasant
And Say, "happy Birthday! ", And Possibly Have A Present For Me.
As It Turned Out, She Barely Said Good Morning, Let Alone "happy Birthday. "
I Thought... Well, That's Marriage For You, But The Kids Will
Remember.
My Kids Came Into Breakfast And Didn't Say A Word.
So When I Left For The Office,i Was Feeling Pretty Low And
Somewhat Despondent.
As I Walked Into My Office, My Secretary Jane Said, "good
Morning, Boss,
Happy Birthday! " It Felt A Little Better That At Least Someone Had Remembered.
I Worked Until One O'clock And Then Jane Knocked On My Door And Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day Outside, And It's Your
Birthday, Let's Go Out To Lunch, Just You And Me. "
I Said, "thanks Jane, That's The Greatest Thing I've Heard All
Day. Let's Go! "
We Went To Lunch. But We Didn't Go Where We Normally Would Go. We Dined Instead At A Little Place With A Private Table.
We Had Two Martinis Each And I Enjoyed The Meal Tremendously.
On The Way Back To The Office, Jane Said, "you Know, It's Such A Beautiful Day... We Don't Need To Go Back To The Office, Do We? "
I Responded, "i Guess Not. What Do You Have In Mind? " She Said,
"let's Go To My Apartment. "
After Arriving At Her Apartment Jane Turned To Me And Said,
"boss,
If You Don't Mind, I'm Going To Step Into The Bedroom For A
Moment. I'll
Be Right Back. "
"ok. " I Nervously Replied.
She Went Into The Bedroom And, After A Couple Of Minutes, She Came Out Carrying A Huge Birthday Cake... Followed By My Wife, Kids, And
Dozens Of My Friends And Co-workers, All Singing "happy
Birthday ".
And I Just Sat There...


On The Couch...


Naked.

It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting; almost see through, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla.

Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your beaver." he says. She does so, and this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat. Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you've got a headache."

Deductive Reasoning

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to
be moving"

New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely
friendly"

Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach
deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?

"New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a
dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1: "That is right"

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce
that you have a family.

Neighbor 1: "Right again"

New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a
wife"

Neighbor 1: "Correct"

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you
are heterosexual"

Neighbor 1: "Yup"

New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in
next door"

Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"

Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the
University"

Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"

Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog
house?"

Neighbor 2: "No"

Neighbor 1: "You must be gay!"

what a postwhore. can you get in trouble for whoring up your own thread?


anyone seen muscletang btw...:rolleyes:

http://www.automotiveforums.com/vbulletin/images/buttons/edit.gif

It's there for a reason. Use it.


PS repost and average jokes. 5/10.

Oh damn, all 4 were the same person!!!! I didn't even notice.

Oh damn, all 4 were the same person!!!! I didn't even notice.
hey-oh! guess that's what u get for posting at 5 am..ignorant fool :p

hey-ho! guess htat's what yu get for posting at 5 am..ignrant foll :p
HAHAHAHAHA

EDIT-Why the edit?!

*snicker*

omg you guys!!...i had it right the first time! ur the ones that...oooo...yeah i'm totally slackin on insults here. bah :(

uh huh

excuses are like asses

sorry if they old :(

Yall really do take post whoreing to a new level.

Guess we're all just a bunch of

http://media.mlml.calstate.edu/albums/userpics/students/halloweenpics/normal_CheapWhoreHeather_normal.jpg

Cheap whores!

Yall really do take post whoreing to a new level.
ooo you have no idea, we're juuuust gettin started ;)


and fredjacksonsan, wth..is up with that pic? very scary :(

and fredjacksonsan, wth..is up with that pic? very scary :(


Just a little something I came across....those pics are of the species Postus Whorus, known to inhabit online forums. :cwm27:

Yall really do take post whoreing to a new level.
whoring too

Guess we're all just a bunch of

http://media.mlml.calstate.edu/albums/userpics/students/halloweenpics/normal_CheapWhoreHeather_normal.jpg

Cheap whores!

Mommy?

Mommy?
hmm that would make sense :shakehead

Mommy?
So you're what she popped out after that long night?!!!!

Guess we're all just a bunch of

http://media.mlml.calstate.edu/albums/userpics/students/halloweenpics/normal_CheapWhoreHeather_normal.jpg

Cheap whores!



I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I liked the one with the gorilla. But you did whore up a storm with this thread.:disappoin

^ now was that necessary?

EDIT-under fredjacksonsan's post with the pic

another one :)


How to Treat a Rude Customer

An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport. A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS ".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out. " The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, " DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM ? "

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please? " she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS . If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14. "

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F.. You! " Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that to .

Just a little something I came across....those pics are of the species Postus Whorus, known to inhabit online forums. :cwm27:

takes one to know one!



ooohh.....yea, i went there...



...biatch!

No, you just tell them they are a rude cunt and walk off.

takes one to know one!

ooohh.....yea, i went there...

...biatch!

Damn it, don't you know that I always have something to contribute?









Except maybe this time.

:icon16: