just some deeper thoughts.. kinda different..

have you ever wanted somthing so bad... you where scared of it.. not the physical touch or sight of it... but the depth you know it will travel inside you? finding the real you? scared that if you get it and lose it, it will leave you with a hole that can never be filled again because not even you will travel to the end to find where it stops... not even you dare look at the honest you that deep inside, because your scared of what you will find... starting at the enterance is the conditions and justifications you place there in hopes of fooling every one including yourself that every thing is right/good/working for me.. and for the most part we are tought that is reality.. however the deeper inside we travel the more we dont need to justify what is... you just become open and unconditional.. and perhaps for the first time ever we are abloslutly honest with ourselves and can see who we really are and not what we should/could be and the deeper inside you go the more makes sence... questions such as what does she see in me, are no longer questions.. you realize she has seen the real you.. the you with out lies.. or justifications or conditions.. she has seen the unconditional love found only within ourselves..... and knowing that love of that power exists leads me to more justifications of why i should not go deeper because once i have found love that deep.... i fear i will lose it and end up with a hole that i will never be able to find the end of or fill....
Jason

hmm kinda wrighting that made me less stressssssssed.. a little.. kinda random.. dont know why im posting it..

I feel ya bro...

especally the fear of losing it part...

and the realisation afterwards...

I feel ya bro...

especally the fear of losing it part...

and the realisation afterwards...
absolutly!!!!!!!!

I feel ya, and have lived it, and I must say that hole NEVER heals except when you are as lucky as I am and have a partial chance to regain a meaningful relationship with who tore that bottomless pit in your heart, the only thing that can fill that hole is what caused it, or a true love, both of which are hell to find and cherish. I became the person I am after I lost the love of my life, and it was all over her father wanting to (literally) KILL me, I mean I've had a 30-06 bullet land like 3 feet from my head that he sent my way. the ONLY reason that bullet missed it's target was because Anna grabbed the barrel of the gun MAYBE a hundredth of a second before her dad pulled the trigger, he wasn't joking and all I've ever done to his daughter was loved her with all of my heart (one of two females I can say that about) What can I say, love is overrated until you experience it, then there's no rating for it. When you know something is for real, it comes back to you after two years and saves your life two years back.

YES the pimp has fallen in love (actually I've loved this girl since the first SECOND I met her) and everyone is more than welcome to criticize me. I don't give a flying fuck I LOVE THIS GIRL!!!!

...but the depth you know it will travel inside you? finding the real you? scared that if you get it and lose it, it will leave you with a hole that can never be filled again because not even you will travel to the end to find where it stops... not even you dare look at the honest you that deep inside, because your scared of what you will find...

you just become open and unconditional.. and perhaps for the first time ever we are abloslutly honest with ourselves and can see who we really are and not what we should/could be and the deeper inside you go the more makes sence... questions such as what does she see in me, are no longer questions.. you realize she has seen the real you.. the you with out lies.. or justifications or conditions.. she has seen the unconditional love found only within ourselves..... and knowing that love of that power exists leads me to more justifications of why i should not go deeper because once i have found love that deep.... i fear i will lose it and end up with a hole that i will never be able to find the end of or fill...

ever ask yourself why you feel that way? why you have an unconditional love? how is it that there is a part of you that is giving yourself to someone? do you mean to say to dig deeper into yourself to find this reason? do you mean to dig deeper within yourself to find meaning? i've done this, i'm still doing this, and i see no light at the end of the tunnel. i see no end or satisfaction to the pure, pristine self-being i'm finding myself to be. i see only purpose in the reason behind who i am. i only see that as i dig deeper, i find only that my intraspective efforts at finding who i am, and being the person i am, are met with only superficial results. i am finding that as i dig to find myself, i'm digging in the ground to find burried treasure. i'm searching for something more valuable than anything, knowing that the burried treasure may not be of any value at all to some, but may be all the world for myself. but as i dig in the ground, i'm leaving a hole, which is getting larger and larger as i come to self realization, and will be harder to fill back up once treasure is found, than it was to look for the treasure in the first place.

its good that you've come to terms with your searching, that you've found a place to stop asking for reason and meaning. me, i'm still searching, and i'm still asking and wondering, and i'm still lost. hopefully, i'll find a place to stop the search, and be happy with what i've found, and be happy with what i get back.