More jokes from Muscletang
Muscletang
02-07-2006, 01:49 AM
These aren't the best ones I've ever posted but I still think they're good for a laugh. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.
Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years, they had enjoyed losing their virginity together, and they were inseparable until they graduated.
They had planned on going to college together, but he was accepted to a school on the west coast, and she was accepted to a school on the east coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn't take this very well, so he increased the number of phone calls, letters and e-mails in an attempt to save their relationship.
She became very annoyed with this when she started seeing a new fellow, and she wanted to get the old boyfriend off her back, so she took a Polaroid picture of her going down on her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone!"
Needless to say, he was heartbroken, and very pissed off. So,... he wrote a note on the back of her photo:
"Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time at college. Please send more money!"
...and then mailed the picture to her parents.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Would I? I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."
---------------------------------------------------------------
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and he opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a fanatic golfer.
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time, gets up very early and is golfing all day long. Well this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.
It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and says, "the weather out there is terrible."
To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of
my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie", the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit.
Again, the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again, he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the old man:
"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give $3,000 to you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."
A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage.
"Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years, they had enjoyed losing their virginity together, and they were inseparable until they graduated.
They had planned on going to college together, but he was accepted to a school on the west coast, and she was accepted to a school on the east coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn't take this very well, so he increased the number of phone calls, letters and e-mails in an attempt to save their relationship.
She became very annoyed with this when she started seeing a new fellow, and she wanted to get the old boyfriend off her back, so she took a Polaroid picture of her going down on her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone!"
Needless to say, he was heartbroken, and very pissed off. So,... he wrote a note on the back of her photo:
"Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time at college. Please send more money!"
...and then mailed the picture to her parents.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Would I? I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."
---------------------------------------------------------------
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
And the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and he opened his briefcase.
"Oh, my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a fanatic golfer.
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time, gets up very early and is golfing all day long. Well this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.
It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and says, "the weather out there is terrible."
To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there going, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of
my head."
The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie", the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit.
Again, the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again, he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the old man:
"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give $3,000 to you."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."
A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage.
"Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
imtheoneandonlyD
02-07-2006, 02:28 AM
hehe, couple good ones that i actually laughed at.
clawhammer
02-07-2006, 09:05 AM
Lots of good ones.
Rally Sport
02-07-2006, 09:25 AM
The golfing one was the most unexpected really.
fredjacksonsan
02-07-2006, 09:57 AM
Good stuff...some old, some new...
FlippiN.af
02-07-2006, 10:45 AM
Great Jokes! I laughed at all of them.
drewh4386
02-07-2006, 06:03 PM
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a fanatic golfer.
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time, gets up very early and is golfing all day long. Well this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.
It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and says, "the weather out there is terrible."
To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
:disappoin :headshake :newburn: :)
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a fanatic golfer.
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time, gets up very early and is golfing all day long. Well this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.
It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and says, "the weather out there is terrible."
To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
:disappoin :headshake :newburn: :)
2.2 Straight six
02-07-2006, 06:12 PM
The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."
that's my favourite line.
that's my favourite line.
beef_bourito
02-07-2006, 06:15 PM
those were good, i especially liked the one with the pope and the golfing one.
vinnym86
02-07-2006, 06:27 PM
lol, nice
Igovert500
02-07-2006, 06:57 PM
nice, definantly helped lessen the pain of losing $30 in online poker. :biggrin:
1986Z28
02-08-2006, 03:34 PM
awesome jokes!
directory
02-08-2006, 05:16 PM
funny stuff!
tonioseven
02-08-2006, 06:33 PM
:lol: Great stuff!
Damien
02-09-2006, 10:32 PM
golfiing was meh i though...
but the Pope, the 2nd one, and the last one were killer! :rofl: :lol: :grinno: :lol2:
but the Pope, the 2nd one, and the last one were killer! :rofl: :lol: :grinno: :lol2:
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