Shyness. Is there a cure?

Im not overally stressed out (hence the reason for not using the Stress Release forum) but it bugs me, and I would like to hear what you all have to say :)

Basically im an extremly shy guy in person. Its so bad that at times I have contemplated going to see a shrink about it. (but my health insurance wont cover it :bloated: )

I have an incredibly hard time meeting new friends. Both men and women, although I do have less of a problem with guys. With women its so bad that I cant look them in the eyes when trying to talk to them, and when invited to parties and such, I tend not to go.

Now I wonder how I can get over this. My friends do not understand and they say "grow up" or "just get over it", or "you need to get out more".

This is like giving weight loss advice to an overweight person by saying "dont eat so much, and get more exercise". Its not that easy. In the case of being overweight, its hard to eat less, and you cant exercise much because you get tired easily. Its a circle which gets you deeper and deeper into the hole and its hard to break free. For me, I dont like going out, to bars and such to meet ppl because im shy, and because of this, I dont meet new ppl and dont get invited out, and get dissapointed and prefer to stay at home anyways.

Relevent Comments, and ideas are what im looking for here.

Feel free to post, but I would appreciate it if this thread could be kept on topic :)

Thanks.

First and foremost, you've taken an initial step in trying to overcome you problem. You're talking amongst friends. Now then, you seem to handle yourself very well on the internet, so that can be a start.

You see, sometimes if you can mimic what you do on here, it's relatively easy to do it in person. I used to be in the same shoes as you when I was younger. What I did was put myself amongst a lot of people, not necessarily in a social gathering, and mingled. Little by little, the shyness of being around people gradually wore down cuz I got used to be around people a lot. You should seriously think of being around people more and you will see how comfortable you get when you no longer worry about what is going to happen.

Also, try not to be self conscious like worrying if something you say or do will go wrong. Nothing helps like being able to laugh at oneself.

Believe it or not, I used to be incredibly shy (still am sometimes around total strangers). I managed to get over my shyness a lot as I got older. I also had a job a few years ago where I had to be pretty assertive or get stuck doing everything for everyone. This helped out a lot too. The managers that I worked for said that I changed so much since the day that I started. I think a lot of it has to do gaining more confidence as I got older.

I am appreciative of the posts so far. Some good points were made.

Keep em coming folks :)

Hi Hummerman, I think I know exactly what you are talking about!

I used to be a very shy person, and in fact by some people's standards I probably still am! But I have come out of it quite a lot, and don't have much of a problem with people (at least from my point of view :)).

Anyway, Shyness can definitely be a pain in the ass.......especially if you are not comfortable with pushing yourself onto other people. I think you have a good start to helping yourself simply by the fact you mentioned you get invited places and have friends! Some people don't even have that!
Dealing with people over the Internet should also give you a helping hand in meeting people in real life.

I can't guarantee these things will help you - all I can say is they helped me out at a time when I was very depressed and didn't know many people:

Take as many opportunies as you can to meet and/or be around people - whether it be at parties, sports, family gatherings, computer groups, personal interest groups, it doesn't matter. Its cliche I know, but things like that really do build character. At the same time, don't feel that you absolutely have to go something - the great thing about friends is that you can pick and choose the ones you want - if you don't want to go to a party because you don't like who will be there, then don't waste your time.

If you do go somewhere, don't have any expectations at all about what will or will not happen - It puts needless pressure on yourself (which will only make things worse). The fact of the matter is, there is a good chance you won't meet any new people or even have a great time. The point is, you MAY have a good time, and that will keep you coming back for more.

If you go to a party or function and don't have a good time - its no big deal, it just means that next time will be better, or that there won't be a next time. I am not afraid to say that initially I spent a lot of parties standing alone, knowing perhaps one or two people there - sure it can be uncomfortable, but at the end of the day what do you lose? Not a lot I would suggest - and I think its better than sitting on the couch at home wondering what might have been.

I think DVSNCYNIKL said it nicely, the more exposure you have to people, the more comfortable and confident you will be. When that starts happening, the spiral will work upwards - people will be more comfortable around you because YOU are more comfortable around them, meaning conversation will be easier, you will grow in confidence, and so on.......

I know it can be hard thing to deal with - "getting out there" is so much harder if you are naturally shy.

My 02 is that if you really want to help yourself you need just a bit of determination and most importantly encouragement (from some fellow AF'ers perhaps:D ).

Hope that helps.

I used to be pretty withdrawn, shy, introverted, you name it. Then one morning during the summer before my Senior year in High School I woke up and decided I was sick of being entirely unknown and seen as just some quiet brainiac with marginal looks. Sure, the decision came one morning, but the changes are still happening 2 years since I've graduated. I love laughing at myself. I love laughing. I enjoy just hanging out with a bunch of good friends. Sure, I'm still a bit quiet around people I don't really know or when I just meet someone, but I now know that it's okay to open up. People are very often willing to accept you as atleast an acquaintence.

For me, it was a matter of determination. Just simply deciding that I wanted to change. But no one can give you an equation that will work no matter what. It is yet another one of life's lessons that you must learn on your own.

I too know how you feel. But I'm getting sick of getting shat on all the time and am attempting to break the shackles of shyness.

Time will; tell if it works or not.

I know exactly what you mean.

I get seriously shy trying to talk to girls I'm attracted to. I usually a little shy around new people. but once I get to know them I come out of my shell. Moon and Spec2 can attest to that.

But I still have a major problem with talking to girls. I just can't do it. thats probably why I can never ask anyone out and that I've only ever had 2 girlfriends my entire life.

As you can all picture, I am EXTREMLEY shy..........:( :(


I wish there was some way I could break the cycle, because people think because I am shy, I am a push-over and un-assertive, which isn't the real me. I am fine with people I know, but when I first meet them (Especially obnoxious fat people) I feel intimidated by them........

Don't even get me started on when I meet girls for the first time.....:rolleyes:

im also very shy. i will go to parties when im invited though, there is 1 thing that worked wonders....paxil

What's up everyone?

Well for ya shy people, I guess all I can suggest is this:

When you are at a party or gathering and want to talk to someone you are interested in...just relax, hang out and mingle. Even if you're not doing a lot of talking, just be present rather than sitting in a corner somewhere. When that person you might have an interest walks by just smile and say, "Hey, what's up?" and take it from there. If the person smiles back and says "Hey", "hi" or whatever then there's a start. If they continue on their way, let them...maybe they'll come back to chat. If not, their loss. If they do stop to converse, just be yourself. If they ask how you're doing, say "pretty good" or" fine", "great" or whatever. Answer any questions, you don't necessarily have to go into detail. Try to make some kind of eye contact if you can. Eye contact (or lack of) can help another person determine whether you're interested in what they have to say. Above all, don't pretend to be something/someone you're not.

Hope this helps you out a bit :)

Well, I used to be shy (as I think most every one was at some time in their life), but after a while I decided that somthing had to be done. The main thing is taking that first step. You just have to decide "I've had enough of this shit!" It helps to shout that in the mirror :hehehe:
Then just find a way to go somewere, and no matter how bad you want to just sit back and not interact. You have to just get up and get into some conversations. Now it's easier said then done, but there really are no two ways about it. You just have to get out there and do it!

Seems harsh I know, but it's what you must do :D

Thanks for the replys all, I appreciate it. :)

I was hoping there was an easier solution, but as posted, its not something that can be overcome in one day. :(

I grew up in a hard working family and we never had much money. My parents just happened to be lucky enough to buy a house in a nice neighborhood, although they worked very hard to keep it, anyway what I'm getting at was the neighborhood kids, although nice, were wealthy and I didn't have much self esteem because I couldn't have things they had. Eventually I joined the YMCA (no singing allowed here) and met other kids in my same situation and made loads of new friends. I eventually enlisted in the Air Force (Vietnam era) and that really made a man out of me, it was sink or swim! Life will throw curves at you but in the end you'll find some way to succeed.

When you are invited to a party, GO!!!!:rolleyes:

just start over. tell yourself that you're the shit, and after a while you'll believe it. then you will carry yourself like you're a well liked respectable human being. also find the right group of friends, when you're around good people then the shy part of you will disappear

if you look and feel confident,people will want to talk to you.
¸Also do not care about what others think,you can care,but just don't think about it:p

I just noticed that you're one of the young guns. You still have a lot of learning and experiencing to do yet, don't try to do too much at once otherwise you'll burn yourself out like lot of these young superstars of yesterday and today. Take everyday in stride and do more than the previous day, little at a time. Comparing yourself to other people is really not a good thing to do (see my previous post).

I went to a cruise in today and ran into some old friends from years past. One of them I haven't seen in 14 years so we piled in my 67 Stang and toured Pasadena for awhile and we had a great time. You just have to be ready for the unexpected.

shyness is a behaviour, or way of interacting. Just saying "I'm shy" doesn't really explain why that should be the case, and there are many different reasons for being "shy". Do you have a sense of precisely what it is about social situations that you find uncomfortable? What is the common thread running through the occasions when you're really uncomfortable/shy/withdrawn? I'm not saying "figure that out and everything will be fine", but it gives you a bit more information, and a place from which to start. If you can recognise in yourself what it is you fear about what might happen to you, or how others might react to you, or think of you (or whatever), you can start to make a plan of attack to get past it. You may still feel "shy", but the aim is for that not to impair your social interactions any more.

Originally posted by moondog
If you can recognise in yourself what it is you fear about what might happen to you, or how others might react to you, or think of you (or whatever), you can start to make a plan of attack to get past it. You may still feel "shy", but the aim is for that not to impair your social interactions any more.

Been there, tried that, don't work.

I got over my shyness many years ago after I joined a "Toastmasters" group. It helps you with public speaking and thinking quickly on your feet. I've spoken in front of thousands of people so speaking to individuals isn't anything now. Something like this may help you gain your confidence-- probably the leading cause of "shyness". Tostmasters has groups that meet just about everywhere....

I used to be horribly introverted and shy in public....meeting new people is hell on me.... slowly but surely I got over it by putting myself in situations where I HAD to talk to people... like at work I take care of the counter, I played bass guitar in a band for a few years(being on stage will force you to overcome alot of fear!), I ran the sound at a punk/metal club for a few years(I had to talk to many cute guys in bands, actually had to be quite rude to a few of them even!), I worked ssecurity at the same club(its fun busing underage kids!), also alcohol helps me to be a bit extroverted in public:D ;) wait, I meant obnoxious...
:rolleyes:

I did something extreme, I joined a fraternity. Everyone I knew was like "Zuh!?":eek:

Buy a DeLorean. Seriously!!! It throws you to the wolves & you gotta learn how to deal with people really quick.

I got my first DMC when i was 19, and learned over time how to talk with complete strangers. You realize that the world contains many stupid people & there is no reason to be afraid of them (except lawyers & cops... steer clear).

I'm not shy, I just hate people. :devil:

Ha, ha... j/k ;)

I guess I used to be "shy," but now I'm really more introverted by choice. I think it comes from working with the public; now in my private life I avoid interaction! :p Well, not so much, it's not like I'm a hermit. ;)

My advice: develop your wit. For me, this came through High School drama activities: plays and improv comedy. :D The ability to think quickly and reply with clever responses will boost your confidence with strangers.

Also, go rent the movie Swingers. :coolguy:

"You're like this big bear, man! And she's like this little bunny."
"And you've got these big claws..."
"Yeah, these huge claws..."
"...And you don't know what to do with them. It's like you don't want to hurt the bunny, so you batting it around..."
"Yeah, man, you're just playing with the bunny..."

:hehe: See the movie, and you'll get it. :D

Originally posted by jay@af

Also, go rent the movie Swingers. :coolguy:

"You're like this big bear, man! And she's like this little bunny."
"And you've got these big claws..."
"Yeah, these huge claws..."
"...And you don't know what to do with them. It's like you don't want to hurt the bunny, so you batting it around..."
"Yeah, man, you're just playing with the bunny..."

:hehe: See the movie, and you'll get it. :D

Dude, that movie was.... well, interesting. I guess I would have taken more away from it if I had paid attention. But the thing with me was that I fine-tuned my wit that I'd had almost all along and I allowed myself to be heard. And if you mess up, who cares? So you laugh at your mistake and try something else next time. :)

"Taranaki" is a protective shell that I withdraw into whenever I feel shy,or insecure, or unhappy.It is great to be able to pretend that I am the big-mouthed, confident and loud type when I can't bear to share my real feelings.It's not a great thing to rely on it too much,but if it helps me through the worst of it,it's good practice for when I am in a public place.Some of the things that I have said through 'Taranaki',I could never say to someone's face.

In my case it all depends on the other person. I don't like to be too aggressive and look for signs. When I was married my wife was very hard to size up, so I think that was our problem, oil and water.

After my divorce, I met this really wonderful lady who was in the same situation as me and we got along just fine. We had a great time together and she could be BAD when she wanted to, but alas it got too serious and we called it quits. (Too many bad memories of our previous marriages).

Now I'm seeing a person that I've known for a long time off and on and am taking this a lot slower. She is a very nice person but lately has been showing her dark side a little. A little intrigue is interesting.

I was shy I got a really good friend who was not that is why really helped me he would do anything anywhere and I just had to get used to it. between that, being part of my church youthgroup, and work I have gotten better but I still cant really let girls I like know it which sux :(

Originally posted by taranaki
"Taranaki" is a protective shell that I withdraw into whenever I feel shy,or insecure, or unhappy.It is great to be able to pretend that I am the big-mouthed, confident and loud type when I can't bear to share my real feelings.It's not a great thing to rely on it too much,but if it helps me through the worst of it,it's good practice for when I am in a public place.Some of the things that I have said through 'Taranaki',I could never say to someone's face.

Well thats a thing we have in common then Mr. T

Only a few select people know what "Darkness" actually means.

Originally posted by taranaki
"Taranaki" is a protective shell that I withdraw into whenever I feel shy,or insecure, or unhappy.It is great to be able to pretend that I am the big-mouthed, confident and loud type when I can't bear to share my real feelings.It's not a great thing to rely on it too much,but if it helps me through the worst of it,it's good practice for when I am in a public place.Some of the things that I have said through 'Taranaki',I could never say to someone's face.

Same here, Vektra is cool I am not so:(

Originally posted by Lord_Vektra


Same here, Vektra is cool I am not so:(

That is exactly how I used to think...until somebody convinced me that if I could believe in it for Taranaki-I could believe in it for myself.The secret to my recovery from the knives of self-doubt that I regularly stuck into myself was finding some people who I was comfortable to talk to.....not all at once, and the hardest one was the first,but gradually I have built a group of people around me to ease me gently forwards.

It should come as no surprise that most are at AF,and all are on the web.On the web,nobody can see you blush,or hear you stammer,or talk to the top of your head as you stare at your shoes.Gradually,I am giving you more of myself and less of Taranaki.

How to gather your friends?simple.Be honest,and kind and forgiving to as many people as you wish to trust.If they are decent sorts,they will do the same for you.Learn not to doubt them when they say nice things about you.Gradually you will start to seek their compliments by force of habit,and come to understand that the easiest way to be loved is to give love.There will be setbacks,for sure...you have to take them on the nose and forgive and forget.


As you grow more confident in this behaviour,you will notice that it becomes a habit with your-non web friends,and I hope that it takes you to where your confidence is kept.....You need to pick your first friend very carefully,someone who will always pick you up when you throw yourself on the floor in self doubt,and reward you with kind words when you are doing well.Find that rare gem, and talk to them as often as you can.That person is the key to your release.

Amen to that Mr T.

Once you find that person that you can talk to and open up you can then begin to feel better about yourself and as a result confidence increases and shyness deminishes.

Heres to those "special" people http://216.40.201.38/otn/love/kiss.gif

Thanks for all the great input everyone, Unfortionatly its all easier said than done.

Now all I need is a slap in-the-face, or maybe a kick in the ass to get me into action, cause I think to myself "wow, it sure would be great to change", but when crunch time comes....I fall apart.

Like tonight for example. I was working the pumps (yes, my 2nd job is a gas attendant at an Esso station :rolleyes: ) when a friend called and said a bunch of peeps were going up to the bar, and she ;) wanted me to come with. She would even come by the station to pick me up, after I cashed-out for the night. When I heard "a bunch of peeps" and "wanted me to come with" I froze up. I immediatly came up with the worst excuse possible, which was "im tired cause of working", when the real truth is who actually gets tired from pumping gas for 5 hours? :bloated:

A few minutes lator, I was thinking about this thread, and actually thought about calling her back to say that I had changed my mind, and that I would love to go. I checked the call log for the number, and I didnt recognize the number, meaning she had probably called from someone elses place, or maybe a payphone. The thought of me calling and getting someone else on the phone was just enough to keep me from hitting the "dial" button.

Since that point (~2 hrs ago) I have been thinking about it over and over and regretting not going. I am going to call and apologize to her tomorrow, as I was rather blunt on the phone as well :(


Maybe the gas fumes are getting to me? :bloated:

just hang in there, these things take time.

When you do ring and apologise tell her how much you regret not going out and take it from there

Have faith in yourself like we have faith in you! :D

Originally posted by HuMMerMan
Like tonight for example. I was working the pumps (yes, my 2nd job is a gas attendant at an Esso station :rolleyes: ) when a friend called and said a bunch of peeps were going up to the bar, and she ;) wanted me to come with. She would even come by the station to pick me up, after I cashed-out for the night. When I heard "a bunch of peeps" and "wanted me to come with" I froze up.

Nothing unusual or new to me here...It is just a symptom of self doubt.If you have the guts to tell it to the whole world through AF,somewhere you have the guts to tell one lady on the phone.
Be brave next time an opportunity this good comes your way.The lady is doing everything she can to take your hand and lead you forward.She's initiated the date,tried to make it less threatening by making it a group event rather than an intimate one-to-one,and even offered to take responsibility for your safe arrival.
Only you can take the final step. Practice by saying,"yes,I'd love to" out loud .No doubt in my mind,the lady will offer you the chance again.:)

Damn... almost everybody in this thread wrote "i used to be shy" etc. I didn't know we have so many shy pepole in here... I am the opposite of shy person , what can cause problems too... anyway i never have had any problems with meeting new pepole or girls so i won't be much help... but basically do what the others keep saying , go out , get around pepole , show that you're confident etc.