Updated Employee Handbook...
dugie6551
12-15-2005, 02:38 PM
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If
you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, also that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and
input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
The Management
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If
you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door
will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your
picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, also that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and
input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
The Management
quteasabutton
12-15-2005, 02:42 PM
:lol2: good post! i don't get a raise until march, and that's their "thank you for sticking around for a year" raise. probably getting another 15 cents or something like that. i'm really appreciated there
sganc4life_4
12-15-2005, 03:07 PM
The restroom use was a good one, that made me laugh
TRUBO_89
12-15-2005, 03:17 PM
lol "chronic offenders' of ass board.
karmacae
12-15-2005, 03:52 PM
lol.....
1986Z28
12-15-2005, 04:01 PM
sounds like my fucking work
quteasabutton
12-15-2005, 05:27 PM
some people buy houses and food...some people buy gucci purses and prada sneakers. different sets of priorities, that's really all it is
DayDreaM BelieveR
12-15-2005, 05:47 PM
Funny yet depressing considering I'm job hunting at the moment.
*Walks off muttering about money...*
*Walks off muttering about money...*
Raz_Kaz
12-16-2005, 01:22 AM
REPOST
Still a funny one, love the 3 minute toilet thing.
Still a funny one, love the 3 minute toilet thing.
Rally Sport
12-16-2005, 01:33 AM
Awesome.. I would love to have a job where they did that 3 minute restroom thing.
quteasabutton
12-16-2005, 02:07 AM
i think that would be just a slight problem for us girls if we only had a max of 3 minutes...so that's gender discrimination and i'll sue the company and win millions and millions of dollars!
Rally Sport
12-16-2005, 02:18 AM
Not really.. just go and get the hell outta there! If not then get ready to smile..
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