New rules for everything
KatWoman097
11-29-2005, 02:18 PM
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was
only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would
have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the
cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
water, but without that watery taste Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks
and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the
US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy, old television shows, then you have
to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in
the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will
do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care
in the first place.
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting
all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of
Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was
only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would
have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the
cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
water, but without that watery taste Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks
and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the
US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy, old television shows, then you have
to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in
the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will
do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care
in the first place.
dugie6551
11-29-2005, 02:34 PM
:rofl: very funny !!!
karmacae
11-29-2005, 02:42 PM
lol
clawhammer
11-29-2005, 02:43 PM
:lol: There wer a lot of good ones in there
Damien
11-29-2005, 03:04 PM
I love the last one because it happens all too often! :lol:
Toksin
11-29-2005, 03:07 PM
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
Actually laughed out loud to that one. So true.
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
Actually laughed out loud to that one. So true.
Andydg
11-29-2005, 03:37 PM
:lol2: Those were great!!!
ci5ic
11-29-2005, 04:01 PM
Actually laughed out loud to that one. So true.
Me too.
Great thread Kat!
Me too.
Great thread Kat!
G-man422
11-29-2005, 04:14 PM
amazing! funny because they're true.
quteasabutton
11-29-2005, 04:26 PM
lol i'm in class and it's so quiet and i'm trying not to laugh at these hehe good post
Quickshift
11-29-2005, 04:51 PM
:lol:
vinnym86
11-29-2005, 04:59 PM
New Rule:
Reality TV is stupid. TV is for people to get away from reality.
Just because some asshole thought survivor was cool, doesn't
mean everyone can jump on the damn bandwagon.
(1 exception: The Madd Real World)
Reality TV is stupid. TV is for people to get away from reality.
Just because some asshole thought survivor was cool, doesn't
mean everyone can jump on the damn bandwagon.
(1 exception: The Madd Real World)
YogsVR4
11-29-2005, 05:05 PM
Good stuff :lol:
oneillchick
11-29-2005, 05:07 PM
Those are funny, lol.....and so true.....but now you've got me thinking about what the world would be like if we could enforce those rules....awesome..
vinnym86
11-29-2005, 05:15 PM
but now you've got me thinking about what the world would be like if we could enforce those rules
utopia
utopia
gigglesnirt
11-29-2005, 05:27 PM
these seem familiar im thinking they may be from a book i read or something, either way good stuff! very funny
KatWoman097
11-29-2005, 06:22 PM
I sent these to Alex, and I made sure to bold and enlarge the one for Starbucks :lol2:
According to that rule he is a huge asshole.
According to that rule he is a huge asshole.
Zaphod Beeblebrox
11-29-2005, 06:45 PM
You can thank Bill Maher for New Rules, and his writters. All very hilarious.
GForce957
11-29-2005, 09:38 PM
hahaha great stuff
Rally Sport
11-29-2005, 11:10 PM
(1 exception: The Madd Real World)
HELL YEAH! That was a funny episode.
HELL YEAH! That was a funny episode.
imtheoneandonlyD
11-29-2005, 11:20 PM
nice post, actually LOL'ed at a few.
WickedNYCowboy
11-30-2005, 11:25 PM
Very good. Kind of brightened up a depressing day.
tonioseven
12-01-2005, 10:58 AM
Kat, you are a true goddess!! :sunglasse Those were funny as hell!!:lol:
1986Z28
12-02-2005, 07:08 PM
lol!!!
2.2 Straight six
12-03-2005, 06:15 PM
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will
do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care
in the first place.
i know, "18 months" what the fuck? just say one-and-a-half.
it's like me asking what the time is and someone saying "786 minutes".
do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care
in the first place.
i know, "18 months" what the fuck? just say one-and-a-half.
it's like me asking what the time is and someone saying "786 minutes".
drewh4386
12-04-2005, 09:43 AM
KatWoman for Presi....dent??
j/k
j/k
Schister66
12-04-2005, 12:01 PM
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis
Best by far i think
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis
Best by far i think
bakergtr
12-04-2005, 03:41 PM
lol, great stuff
KustmAce
12-04-2005, 06:06 PM
bahaha bill maher is the man
KatWoman097
12-05-2005, 12:02 AM
KatWoman for Presi....dent??
j/k
:lol: The country would go to hell because I am too busy looking for good jokes to post here....amongst trying to get to a million unfinished things, just in my own home :D
j/k
:lol: The country would go to hell because I am too busy looking for good jokes to post here....amongst trying to get to a million unfinished things, just in my own home :D
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