Help me write a funny essay

Here's the thing. I have to write an essay for history. I really don't think that anybody even reads these, and I'd like to find out for sure. I've written up my paper about the Renaissance, but I'd like help inserting funny comments. It would be great qouting Homer Simpson, the Bugs Bunny and Adolf Hitler in the same paper. However, I don't want it to be random, instead I'd like for it to actually flow together. I will print out the paper at 6am tomorrow morning, and turn it in.

Here are the rules:
1. No profanity
2. No sexual references
3. No references to illegal activities (ex. "Mariuana is good for you")
4. Make it funny


The Renaissance (from the French word meaning "rebirth" or "regeneration") is the period of time after the Middle Ages. The dates of the beginning and end of the Renaissance vary, but most see it as occuring between the 14th and 16th centuries. During the Middle Ages, wars were frequent. The Church leaders and kings dictated the lives of all, and were often prejudiced and merciless in their decisions. In the 14th century, in Italy, things start to change. A movement of "humanists", led by the Italian Petrarch, rediscovered the works and ideals of the ancient Greeks and Romans. These cultures did not have the Church as an authority figure, so the people were not simply members of the Church, but individuals. The people of Germany, France and the Netherlands eventually followed the Italians in their return to the individualist lifestyle of the ancient pagans. Because they had more individual freedom, the great thinkers of the time discovered numerous inventions and theories. The sections covered in this report will be Art, Science, and Exploration.
The Renaissance saw many developments in sculpting and painting techniques. Also, the Renaissance is probably the period in which most of the best known artists lived. Masaccio (Tomasso di Giovanni di Simoe Cassai), born in 1401, is known as the father of modern painting. Born in Italy, he influenced later artists such as Michelangelo and Raphael. He was the first of the Renaissance painters to use perspective. The most famous of Renaissance painters is Leonardo da Vinci: he had many skills and made important discoveries in many fields. Today, he is known and admired for all his achievements, but, during his lifetime, he was known almost only as an artist. Leonardo was born April 15, 1452, near Vinci, Italy. He left home in or around 1469 to become an apprentice to Andrea Verrocchio, a well-known painter of the time. His first major works, notably the unfinished "Adoration of the Magi", were completed in this time period. He moved to Milan in 1482, where he became interested in other fields, notably mechanics, anatomy, biology, mathematics, and physics. He wrote his thoughts and discoveries in notebooks. He did continue painting, and he completed The Last Supper (a huge mural, known as Leonardo’s best work) while in Milan. He left Milan and moved to Florence in 1500, where he painted, among others, the Mona Lisa. However, Leonardo was slowly painting less to concentrate on his theoretical research. He died May 2, 1519, near Cloux, France, where he had lived in a castle with King Francis I.
Before the Renaissance, religion and science were almost synonyms. All scientists and people accepted the views of the Bible or ancient thinkers like Aristotle. The Renaissance saw the beginning of the Scientific Revolution in Europe, and many scientists invented theories that directly contradicted the accepted views of the people. Nicholas Copernicus (1473-1543) discovered that the Earth revolves around the sun. Galileo Galilei discovered many laws of physics and planetary motion. When he was 19, he discovered that each oscillation of a pendulum always takes the same time. He made discoveries about the gravity of falling bodies. He found that bodies do not fall with a velocity proportional to their weight, a contradiction of the earlier law of Aristotle. Galileo also discovered that a thrown projectile follows a parabola, and anticipated the laws of motion discovered by Newton. He constructed the first astronomical telescope and used it to find Jupiter’s four largest satellites.
Before the Renaissance, exploration was not common. The only voyages that are noteworthy are that of Eric the Red to Greenland in or around 982 and of Leif Ericsson to Vinland (Nova Scotia) in or around 1000. However, the Renaissance saw many changes in geography, including the discovery of a new continent. Christopher Columbus, the best-known of the explorers, was born in Genoa in 1451. As a boy, he became initiated to sailing by one of his kinsmen, a sea captain. While living as a map drawer in Portugal, he concluded that it would be possible to sail to India by going directly west, instead of going through the Mediterranean Sea. After 8 years of pleading the Spanish and French governments, Spain’s King Ferdinand V and Queen Isabella I gave him a grant to lead an expedition to the west. After a long voyage, on October 12, 1492, Columbus and his fleet of 3 ships landed on what is believed to be the Bahama island of San Salvador. Columbus still believed he had reached India. He went on to discover Cuba (which he believed was Japan) and Hispaniola. Columbus set sail for Spain on January 14, 1493. A storm blew the only remaining ship of his fleet off course to Portugal, but Columbus arrived in Spain in mid-March. The King and Queen, pleased with the results of the first expedition, financed a larger, 17 ship expedition which explored the West Indies for 4 years. Columbus led a third expedition, but he was chained and sent home by his men. On his fourth expedition, he explored Central America and Jamaica. Columbus died shortly after this expedition, in 1506, bitter because he had not found the treasures of India, and unaware that he had discovered a new continent.
The Renaissance ended in the late 16th and 17th centuries. The sense of individualism was becoming for many an excuse to do anything, and thus lust, treason, assassinations and violence grew steadily. However, the Renaissance saw the beginning of many important inventions in all domains. Other than those already covered in this report, paper, the compass, gunpowder, printing, coins and the use of diplomacy instead of brute force as a determining factor in certain wars were all Renaissance innovations. The governments and churches did not wield a tyrannic power as they did before. Obedience of authority was being replaced by balance of power. The period of time produced by these changes and the downfall of the Renaissance became known as the Age of Reason or the Enlightenment. Rationalist, humanitarian, liberal and scientific are all adjectives that can be used to define the typical Enlightened person.

HA! kid i went to school tried this. Got a F on the paper with a little note saying "FYI, I do read these." Have fun. Peace-

I'm awesome at writing witty/sarcastic/funny papers for classes, though I only do it in classes where I know the teacher well, and know that they'll get a laugh out of it. It definitely helps if you're pretty witty to begin with otherwise the humor would just appear forced and dry...it only really works for me when I write the jokes as they come as I'm writing, not like in a situation like this, going back and adding in jokes, so sorry...if something comes, I'll post.

Thanks a lot guys. Now I'll have to turn in just another boring essay :disappoin

Thanks a lot guys. Now I'll have to turn in just another boring essay :disappoin

Your fault for procrastinating, sucka! :loser:

that is why you need a thesis statement; form your own opinion on the rennaissance and support it with info.
teachers love that crap.


i once wrote a paper in 11th grade stating stereotyping is good, and that everybody unconsciously does it.
teacher liked it, said it was quite different from everyone elses.

heres a thesis statement: in my opinion, the rennaissance sucked...

That isn't a very good thesis statement. You never want to say "in my opinon." Just say "The Rennissance sucked." State a fact and then prove it. That's why they're called thesis proof essays. Peace-

P.S. After reading that essay, you don't have a thesis statment. Big no no when it comes to essay writing. Your introduction is way too long, you only provide one body paragraph(unless you count your last paragraph as a body) and your conclusion is no good. Sorry, don't mean to break your balls I'm just a pretty decent writer trying to help another out.

i had a teacher who taught history that didn't read our papers. and just to prove it a guy in my grade wrote his paper on chicken little, and the ENTIRE paper was about chicken little and how dreadful it was that the sky is falling lol and he got an A+ on it and was told he had a well thought out paper. :lol2: so it depends on ur teacher. i say go for it and see what happens

what grade are you in?

that was junior year, i'm a senior now

maybe that guy actually wrote a creative paper about chicken little. Creative writing doesn't have to change the world. It just has to be creative. Maybe in his quest to come up with something so outlandish that nobody could take it serious, he came up with something witty.


And heres my opinion on English courses:

they all suck. They steal from your individuality and force you to conform to the "RULES" of literature.

Litereature is about expressionism.... fuck english class.

maybe you should write a paper about how much english class sucks, and that if you want the world to know that your paper is about your opinion, then by god, you can include your OPINION in your thesis statement. It's your god damn paper. Fuck school.

sorry guys touchy subject.

I disagree. English is extremely important; especially if you speak it. I think it's important to be able to correctly write as well as grammatically speak the language you use every day. That also includes knowing how to compose an essay, memo, brief, business letter, etc. What if your boss comes up to you and asks you to write a memo that will be distributed throughout the company and you hand in some gibberish with mistakes? If he's any kind of boss hopefully he'd read it first and only have to deal with your poor writing skills. But think of how crappy it would be for him if he didn't read before distributing. Needless to say, somebody's ass would be in trouble. This stuff happens all the time. The more we ignore the problem the bigger it gets.
BTW, use a thesis statement and support it with at least three supporting examples/situations.

What I'm saying is not that literature should have no structure... gosh...

I'm saying that the way it is taught pushes all the feeble minded numbskulls into writing the same hum drum essays with a very obviously similar exo skeleton.

This is the point of my essay. First of all because of this. Secondly because of that; and lastly because of the other.

This this this this this. blah blah blah this, yada yada this.

That that that that that. blah blah blah that. yada yada that.

The other thing here. More of the other thing. Overview of the other thing.

I have proved this that and the other and to summarize..... this that the other.
thank you for reading my shitty ass essay and giving me an A+ simply because I know where to put my introduction, my supporting arguments and my summary. Nevermind that I have no idea how to spell or use segways. Who cares that my essay is boring. Who cares that I have no idea what a subject and a predicate is... As long as I follow the guidelines I'll get an A. Whoopty doo.



And now you see all the idiots getting good grades on their essays because they don't have the imagination to use a slightly different formula anyways. They were so consumed by the difficult task of putting it all in order that hey... since they looked in their notes over and over.. they finally figured out how to put the introduction first, 3 paragraphs after that and a summary at the end. Who cares that this daunting task prevented them from being creative.


A PLUS!!!!!

That's high school... Creativity is pushed more in college writing I guess. I wrote a screenplay for my Masters Thesis in English.

That's what I was hoping. But then I went to college and had an even more anal english professor. She thought she invented writing I guess. I dropped out. I can't stand it when professors don't let you have an opinion.

Research Essays are just that, not opinions, fact-based research essays.

When I went to college, for the one semester I did, my english teacher asked what WE THOUGHT the meaning was of a specific picture.

The picture:
A boy floating above a woman holing a flower in his outstretched hand toward the woman who was laying in a bed. The boy appeared to be a young angel who had floated in through the open window. The woman is reaching up to take the flower, but not yet touching it or the boy. The entire picture is black and white.

General census was that the woman was the mother of the boy/angel and was giving him the rose as a symbol of releasing his spirit after he died in some sort of tragedy. This opinion was greatly appreciated by my "professor". I took an alternative route. Seeing as the woman looked somewhat older, my thought was that it was her son, who died long ago, coming to give her a rose as a symbol that she is leaving the world soon to be with him, kind of telling the future. I wrote 5 pages supporting this idea. I got a big fat "F" because "that is not what the picture means" even though our paper was to be what the picture meant to US.

I stood up and said a nice "Fuck you" and left. I'm never going back to college because of her, and my biology teacher. Biology is another story I won't get into right now, as the topic is English.

Well, this paper was for history. I didn't put a lot of thought and effort into it because I honestly don't beleive anybody reads it. Papers that I write for my composition class I actually put time into, and my grades show that.

BTW, I'm a freshman in college, and this paper had to be about something that we learned about in the past 3 weeks. I picked the Renaissance.

word up jet lee...

thats the shit im talking about.

Research Essays are just that, not opinions, fact-based research essays.

When I went to college, for the one semester I did, my english teacher asked what WE THOUGHT the meaning was of a specific picture.

The picture:
A boy floating above a woman holing a flower in his outstretched hand toward the woman who was laying in a bed. The boy appeared to be a young angel who had floated in through the open window. The woman is reaching up to take the flower, but not yet touching it or the boy. The entire picture is black and white.

General census was that the woman was the mother of the boy/angel and was giving him the rose as a symbol of releasing his spirit after he died in some sort of tragedy. This opinion was greatly appreciated by my "professor". I took an alternative route. Seeing as the woman looked somewhat older, my thought was that it was her son, who died long ago, coming to give her a rose as a symbol that she is leaving the world soon to be with him, kind of telling the future. I wrote 5 pages supporting this idea. I got a big fat "F" because "that is not what the picture means" even though our paper was to be what the picture meant to US.

I stood up and said a nice "Fuck you" and left. I'm never going back to college because of her, and my biology teacher. Biology is another story I won't get into right now, as the topic is English.

That's ridiculous, but yet, I've encountered the same narrow-minded bullshit throughout my life. Precisely why I damn near failed art every time I took the class, yet, here I am, a graphic designer. And everyone looks at me cross-eyed when I tell them how I basically flunked art all through school after they've seen some of my artwork.

You guys have dealt with some fucked up lecturers, but I guess there's many of those in the arts colleges.

University should teach you how to think, not what to think.

That's ridiculous, but yet, I've encountered the same narrow-minded bullshit throughout my life. Precisely why I damn near failed art every time I took the class, yet, here I am, a graphic designer. And everyone looks at me cross-eyed when I tell them how I basically flunked art all through school after they've seen some of my artwork.
Werd, I get similar reactions with computer programming, problem solving, yada yada yada. People can't believe that I refuse to get a degree. Pay is worse, but battling the [school]system ain't worth it.

That's high school... Creativity is pushed more in college writing I guess. I wrote a screenplay for my Masters Thesis in English.

That's the feeling I've gotten in the past two years of taking college level English courses in high school...as opposed to other hs English classes where you just had to spit back out everything you'd 'learned' in class, I was finally able to come up with opinions on the stuff we were reading or doing and write about it...the fact that creative thinking is encouraged is actually helping me to enjoy English the past year and a half; I just wrote a paper on "Frankenstein" where I decided to not take either position that the teacher asked us to take, and she loved the fact that I went outside the box, something that I've wanted to do for a while in a class like that.

Sorry, a little offtopic... :p

I'm not saying that a good essay has to be written with an into, 3 bodys, and a conclusion. But, if you are looking to score highly than that form goes a long way. You can still imput your own opinions and whatnot(you don't have to conform) just don't make it look like some random tangent that has no flow, or logical organization to it. Obviously you are going to start out with your strongest argument and continue down the line getting weaker, then summarize in your conclusion. Geez guys who didn't take fucking HS english? Peace-