The Truth About Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,"
and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYA".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in Total Recall.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win?
Chuck Norris

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt his beer.

http://img5.allocine.fr/acmedia/medias/nmedia/18/35/23/60/18386295.jpg
"F***ing Chuck Noris"

:rofl: :rofl:

http://www.automotiveforums.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=456336

Chuck Norris.

:rofl: :lol2: :lol:

Bruce Lee beats Chuck Norris...............














:D

Hehehehe Wtf!?

My friend showed me some of these in school...they're awesome. Some more:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

:) Great stuff

awesome thread Davo.

Bruce Lee beats Chuck Norris..............

:D

VIN Diesel owns all! :rofl:
____________
Vin Diesel coined the phrase "Yippee-ki-yay, motherf***er!" When Bruce Willis stole it from him, Vin Diesel killed him with a poison-arrow frog. This is the prologue to The Sixth Sense.
____________

*Vin Diesel made all the sound effects for the Star Wars movies, using only his hands and armpits.

*Vin Diesel owns three Starbucks franchises.

*Vin Diesel owns a chain of fast food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but pork rinds and Hot Pockets. A giant plastic Vin Diesel head spins around on a pole outside the franchises, shooting fireballs at passerby.

*Vin Diesel stole Michael Jackson's black.

*Vin Diesel is powerful enough to destroy Samsonite luggage.

*Vin Diesel tastes like chicken, reported Michael Moore after getting a small bite from Vin's left forearm. Moore gained 120 pounds in the following days, but he remembers those days as the greatest days in his life.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around...Vin still hears it.

Vin Diesel and David Blaine are the only two living souls to have ever eaten their own heads..

Vin Diesel invented pesticide. Before that, humans had to convince bugs to commit suicide.

Vin Diesel donates 90% of his useable blood to the red cross every other tuesday, but insists it go to starving vampires.

Vin Diesel's formal title is Algarok, eater of children and destroyer of worlds.

*Vin Diesel is cleaner burning and ten times more efficient than regular diesel

*Vin Diesel bodysurfed the tsunami in Southeast Asia.

*Vin Diesel once crushed a beer keg against his forehead after drinking all of its contents

*Vin Diesel is responsible for Colin Quinn's downfall

*Vin Diesel played the dead parrot in the original Monty Python sketch.

Before young bed-bugs go to sleep, they warn each other to not let the Vin Diesel bite.

If you ask Vin Diesel "How much wood would a wooodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood," Vin Diesel will promptly chuck a woodchuck through your skull.

Every night, Vin Diesel does 700 push ups and punches himself in the face until he passes out.

Vin Diesel once stared so hard at an orphan, the child melted into a puddle of marmalade.

When the grocery store is out of Vin Diesel's favorite ice cream, the president orders the army to Defcon 5 and there is a total eclipse of the sun.

Vin Diesel once proclaimed himself as being "So hardcore that I don't need to wear a helmet when I use the telephone."

Several years ago, Vin Diesel had his tonsils removed. Today we know them as Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan.

Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.

Vin Diesel once punted Alf for sass talking him.

Vin Diesel refuses that fact that Yoda is not made out of green apple cotton candy.

Some men train their whole lives to learn how to consume the souls of their enemies and or their mistresses. When Vin Diesel does this he calls it Thursday.

The book Beowulf was based on Vin Diesel's life and is written in Vin Diesel's native tongue, which he later translated into the language he made up, English. He was going to call it Dieselish but he was far too modest. Vin Diesel will also star in the upcoming film version, playing every role. Except Grendel's mom, because he is too handsome for that

Vin Diesel is the only individual besides Peter and Brian who understand Stewie

Vin Deisel once played a prank on Mother Theresa by killing her.

The only drug that can get Vin Diesel high is life.

Vin Diesel's ejaculation can kill a man at 100 yards with pinpoint accuracy.

Will Smith once said, "I got to get me one of these." Vin Diesel does in fact have one of those.

Vin Diesel, as a fetus, survived 13 abortion attempts. He came out of the womb with the umbical cord that would eventually kill the doctor.

A diamond may say you love her, but a Vin Diesel is forever.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Vin Diesel is one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Ironically, Vin Diesel only drinks unleaded.

Vin Diesel and Russell Crowe go out, once a year, and drink until they black out. It generally takes three days and more alcohol than the annual consumption of Mexico. One time Vin Diesel went out to take a piss while they were doing this, and it formed the Yellow River, which to this day still flows through China.

Should you turn off the lights and say Vin Diesel's name three times while looking in the mirror, Vin Diesel will magically appear and grant you one wish. If you ask for more, he will kick your punk-ass...b****.

Vin Diesel can count backwards from infinity, but only if you double-dog dare him

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel not only can lift Thor's hammer, he once borrowed it to re-shingle his roof. Thor was pissed when he found out.

Vin Diesel once built a stairway to heaven, but was forced destroyed it to avoid paying royalties.

Vin Diesel's shadow has a shadow. And its name is Keanu Reeves.

Vin Diesel once stared at a goat so intently, that the one standing next to it had a seizure.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase "Yippee-ki-yay, motherf***er!" When Bruce Willis stole it from him, Vin Diesel killed him with a poison-arrow frog. This is the prologue to The Sixth Sense.

Vin Diesel invented Pop-Tarts in an expiremnt involving 2 Koala bears and a can of chili.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: I'm dying!

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. f*** you, team.

Vin Diesel says, "It's only domestic violence if you hit her at home."

Vin Diesel birthed the Mayan race after a heated game of Truth or Dare with Walter Matthau

All Spell Checkers are actually mini Vin Diesels inside your computer. This is possible due to the fact that when Vin Diesel is cut into pieces each piece becomes a smaller and more verbose Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel always sleeps with his right eye open in case someone attempts to steal his left eye.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack got the sh** knocked out of him by Vin Diesel.

The United States government once hired Vin to sabotage all the nuclear arsenals of every other nation in the world. Unfortunately, he failed, but the documentation of the events served as the major inspiration for the motion picture "New York Minute" starring the Olsen Twins

Vin Diesel once punched a man so hard, it killed his entire extended family and close friends

Vin Diesel never ever acts as Vin Diesel. All the time, he is impersonating an imaginary italian actor named Paolo, who is in turn impersonating Vin Diesel. Since both Paolo and Vin Diesel are first-rate impersonators, nobody ever notices. But Paolo's work has more merit, since English in not his first language.

There is a 1 in 685,000 chance that Vin Diesel will drown you in your own bath.

Vin Diesel lives at the north pole of Dagobah.

Contrary to popular beleif Lindsay Lohan does not have breasts. She is in fact growing two Vin Diesel's inside of her.

Vin Diesel sheds his skin much like a snake during the winter months and uses the excess skin to power his robot, Sparks.

Vin Diesel has been spotted holding hands with He-Man, but he claims they are just "really good friends."

When Vin Diesel reaches a difficult point in his life, he often stops and wonders, "What Would Godzilla Do?" As the answer invariably is that Godzilla would devour a schoolbus full of Japanese children, whatever Vin does seems pretty OK by comparison

Few know that in the movie "Junior", Arnold Schwarzenegger gave birth to Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel has written several Star Trek scripts to the producers of the show. Reportedly, Gene Roddenbury's favorite episode was written by Vin Diesel and filmed, but never aired due to Spock's gratuitous use of the phrase 'To the Xtreme!!'

...and this little piggy went to market, where Vin Diesel roasted it's ass just by looking at it, fed it to a tramp, then killed the tramp and buried him upside-down.

Contrary to popular belief, it was not the Israelite's trumpets which brought down the Walls of Jericho. It was Vin Diesel.

When 7-11 ran out of cola-flavored Slurpees, Vin Diesel made a Slurpee out of the 7-11. But he poured out the gross hippie cashier before putting the lid on.

Dan Brown was originally going to call his book "The Da Vin Diesel Code" but decided that would give the game away too much.

The character Boo Radley from "To Kill a Mockingbird" is based on Vin Diesel.

The contents of Vin Diesel's bellybutton include six Pogs, a 1987 Buick Skylark, and a Baldwin. Which Baldwin is it? We may never know.

Vin Diesel can cut glass with his nipples.

Vin Diesel lives in a pineapple under the sea.

K I'm done...

rotf...i dont think ive ever laughed at so many things in the morning. This thread rocks.

SWEETNESS!!! Chuck Norris is so0o0o0o much better than Vin Diesel and that goes for the jokes above...

Nothing is better than a good laugh in the morning! Until you roll outta bed and hit your head on a table. :icon16:

too bad a saw the real Chuck Norris on an episode of Yes Dear and...and...it was sad.

And some more...

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

If you shaved off Chuck Norris' beard, you would find a tatoo of an identical beard underneath.

Chuck Norris once made love to a lesbian gorilla.

Chuck Norris has a secret room of Barbie's which can only be unlocked through a spell that is found in "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire".

The sweat from Chuck Norris' testicles is considered a delicacy in certain regions of Guatemala.

Chuck Norris can live without sex for 10 minutes.

Chuck Norris did start the fire.

Every Friday, Chuck Norris stands menacingly on the shores of southern Texas and gazes stoicly into the ocean, whilst masturbating. This is why Hurricane Rita turned east.

Made a few of my own:


Vin Diesel knows what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

Vin Diesel was born without knees. He has to break his own legs whenever he wants to walk somewhere.

Vin Diesel once farted, resulting in the creation of the universe.

Vin Diesel giggles when he gets papercuts.

Vin Diesel's erection will bitch-slap your punk ass too.

Vin Diesel puts hot-sauce on Habanero's before he eats them.

Vin Diesel once bitch-slapped Chuck Norris so hard that Chuck's Wranglers shrunk in fear. This is why Chuck's pants are so tight.

Vin Diesel can lift heavy objects without bending his knees and keeping his back straight. He can also wear loose-fitting clothes around spinning machinery if he wants to.

Thanks guys, you made my hangover worse.

Oh man my head hurts.. And now my chest. I think..yes, I am crying now, hehe.

if you took the ones w/ vin diesel and substituted the word vin diesel for chuck norris, they'd be like 50x better. No joke.

btw, the OP was by far the best; i haven't laughed so hard in years.

Thread of the month!

Nice joke lists, but vin diesel & chuck norris both still suk & they are both piss poor actors.
I cringe to the sound of chucks nightly ab infomercials, before you know it , Vin will be with chuck and tony little selling exercise equipment. LMAO!!

Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings.

Chuck Norris defeated the Canadian Army with a rusty wooden spoon.

Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel.

Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.

Chuck Norris beat up MacGyver using only a paper clip, a rubber band, and a pinecone.

One drop of Chuck Norris sweat can cure you of anything, even death.

The letters in Chuck Norris name can be rearranged to spell doom in twelve different languages, including Esperanto, but not French.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are


Chuck Norriss heart beats once every full moon.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris enemies just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas blindfolded, while having sex with 3 women.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris house is a Total Gym.

Ecstasy is actually made by extracting the special seratonin mixture found only the skull of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the earth, thus creating the hole in the ozone layer.

Chuck Norris can divide by Zero

Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he wont trade any of them for anything.


The milkshake doesnt bring Chuck Norris to the yard.

The Pope once accused Chuck Norris of heresy, but as it turns out, Chuck Norris is, in fact, the true Son of God.

Chuck Norris penis is considered a weapon of mass destruction.

Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.


talk about "ribbed for her pleasure" :cwm27: :cwm27: :cwm27:



























:rolleyes:

[QUOTE=GForce957]

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are



Chuck Norris once fought off 42 ninjas blindfolded, while having sex with 3 women.

Chuck Norris can divide by Zero

Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he wont trade any of them for anything.


The milkshake doesnt bring Chuck Norris to the yard.

QUOTE]


ROTF, those are awesome. I couldnt stop laughing at the milkshake one.

Chuck Norris can divide by Zero


Chuck norris > stack dump

Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the Special Olympics.

CNN was originally the Chuck Norris Network but was later changed to a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers eyeballs.

The evolution theory states that everything evolved from one living being. Chuck Norris is that living being.

Chuck Norris is where babies come from.

Chuck Norris has been in every porn video since 1985.

One day Chuck Norris was in fact killed when he round house kicked someone in the face so hard that it shattered the universe. But in heaven, Chuck challenged God to an arm wrestling match. Chuck won, and the universe was reformed.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris is the reason Jesus died.

Had the priests in The Exorcist just said, The power of Chuck Norris compels you instead of The power of Christ compels you, the movie would only have been about 30 seconds long.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, dont be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris once had sex with a polar bear, with his orgasm he created the third ice-age, which is also known as the second coming of the robotic Vin Diesel.

Rumor has it that the semen from Chuck Norris six-foot wang can cure leukemia, especially in small children.

Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.

Chuck Norris once boned the Mona Lisa, which is why she smiles.

The first rule of Chuck Norris is you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris has never given anyone the finger. However, it is believed that the event could flatten landscape within a 30-mile radius.

Few people know that President Jimmy Carter appointed Chuck Norris as Secretary of Awesome in 1978. This cabinet level position was later rescinded in 1981 after Norris refused to give up his title.

As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world-renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the Wheelchair.

Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.


ROTF, this thread rules.

"Ala" is really Arib for "Chuck Norris"
Once, Chuck Norris jumped in the ocean, and sunk Atlantis in the progress...

thats all i have for now (kinda lame, i know)
this is the funniest thread i have ever read!

A mod should sticky it

And the truly awesome thing is, There is at least 200 more chuck norris's i have

Post them, i NEED more.

funniest post EVER

As well as being an actor, martial artist, and poet, Chuck Norris is also a world-renowned physicist. It was in this capacity that he once had a disagreement about steady-state theory with Stephen Hawking. Hence the Wheelchair.

Fucking crying right now. :rofl::rofl:

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.


Thats my favorite. Man im laughing so hard in class, it isnt cool.

shaggy once famously said "it wasn't me." it was in fact Chuck Norris.

Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow.

Vin Diesel always forgets to put the new cover sheets on his TPS reports.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel once met Fabio on the street. Vin burst into laughter, Fabio burst into tears, and every passing car burst into flames.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Owen Wilson's nose looks the way it does.

Vin Diesel killed the Dead Sea.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.

Sliced bread is the best thing since Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel wrote the Bible, then gave it to God as a birthday present.

Vin Diesel gets indigestion after swallowing his pride.

One day, Vin Diesel saw a pack of birds flying in a 'V' formation. He then killed them all with one stone and said, "Abbreviations of my name are BULLSHIT."

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel brushes his teeth with a saw.

Vin Diesel likes his emo kids sunny side up.

Vin Diesel invented radical feminism after being asked what he'd do for a Klondike bar.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel was the 8th Beatle.

Vin Diesel wished upon the star and the twinkie was created

Vin Diesel raped Barney the dinosaur. Barney hasn't been the same since...

Vin Diesel can speak in iambic pentameter.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris had his own version of Punk'd. Only in his version, he would walk around and roundhouse kick people in the throats.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Hahaha YES! keep em comin!

this is freakin' hillarious

you konw what this really needs.........

someone talented in flash animation.

you could have two guys arguing about who is tougher diesel or norris and have it go back and forth between them with animated shorts. i can totaly picture it in my head, but i can't do flash animation.......

This was my shoddy attempt at writing a few.

Chuck Norris is constantly recruited by NASA because all he needs to survive in space is a cowboy hat and denim shirt.

There are no such things as meteorites. Only rocks that emulate Chuck.

The ancient greeks couldnt pronounce Chuck Norris, so every god was named after a rough pronunciation of his name.

The wheel was invented shortly after seeing Chuck windwhirl kick a cave man because he had a beard too.

The original bible concept was to be written about Chuck Norris, the son of god, but all writing utensils shattered when trying to record the feats of chuck norris. tales of him had to be passed down from generation to generation by sign language because lungs would often collapse at the mention of the first syllable in 'Norris'.

Chuck Norris invented the internet acronymns LOL, TTYL, and ROFL. At the time, these were sounds of his boot shattering bones and facial tissue. He had them trademarked and now kills everyone that uses them by coming through an instant messager box and beating them to death with the letter 'L' in each.

The shortest sentence in the bible was simply "Chuck." This was preceeded by "What the hell happened to Sodom and Gomorrah?"

Chuck Norris doesnt golf. He grins at golf balls and they go hide in the ground hundreds of yards away.

Chuck Norris invented Cuba.

Chuck Norris once passed a kidney stone and he manually put it back into his kidney because he wasnt done with it yet.

Chuck Norris doesnt need to breathe underwater. H20 fears entering his throat.

Chuck Norris was once made the final boss in a video game. No one has or will ever beat that game.

Its illegal in most states to dress as Chuck Norris for Halloween. If ones jean pants were too loose, then this person would implode, instantly killing all children who lacked sour patch kids in their trick or treat bags.

Chuck Norris is Rick James. Bitch.

Chuck Norris clubs baby seal hunters.

Chuck Norris once wanted to mate with a normal human. This was later turned into the screen play for the movie Underworld.

Chuck Norris sees in Camouflage.

Walker, Texas Ranger is only filmed in Texas to eliminate immigration from the south.

Chuck Norris has never lost at paper, rock, scissors. Once he tied, and this was while playing with Jesus. Jesus quickly apoligized and gave Chuck Norris a charismatic mullet that made him invincible until 1988.

In the 1933, King Kong took a hostage to the top of the World Trade Center. Chuck Norris was called in. After a fierce battle of nearly 22 seconds, Chuck seduced and mated with the Kong. The Total Gym was birthed shortly after.

Alexander the great only achieved world domination after saying, "hey Chuck, that guy has your hat".

The movie Predator is a loose interpretation of what Chuck Norris' father must have been like.

I'm dying here :rofl:

LMAO i cant get enough of these. The chuck Norris ones dominate the Vin ones though.

I am reading this on campus in-between classes and laughing like a mad man at these. People are starting to stare. These are great!

Ladies & gentlemen, Mr. T is in the house!

1. 23: That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

2. Mr. T survived a roundhouse kick to the face from Chuck Norris. He was the first and only one to do so.

3. Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

4. Mr. T once took a crap at a party in New York City. Afraid of being killed if you flushed it, people left it alone. The poop sat in that toilet for nine months. That is how Puff Daddy was born.

5. Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

6. Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

7. The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

8. Mr. T's hair style is actually a complex array of antennas that can triangulate the exact location of any fool in the universe. His gold chains can then transmit pity to those coordinates.

9. Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

10. The Manhattan Project really did not create the atom bomb, but instead put Mr. T’s pity in a bottle and then dropped it on Japan.

11. Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact, nothing but T's.

12. Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

13. Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

14. When Dr. Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Mr. T.

15. Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

16. If you were ever foolish enough to get into a fight with Mr. T, there would only be two hits: Mr. T hitting you, and you hitting the surface of the Sun.

17. The vegetarian group PETA one time tried to establish the catchprase "We PETA the fool who eats animals." Upon learning of this blatant theft of his catch phrase, Mr. T founded McDonalds.

18. When Mr. T cuts onions, it's the onions doing the crying.

19. Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

20. Mr. T's GMC van does not travel on solid surfaces, but instead mathematical planes. In other words, it can go wherever the hell Mr. T wants.

21. Mr. T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.

22. Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

23. Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

24. Mr. T invented Asian people

25. Small animals find Mr. T irresistible and can be found playing in his mohawk. Mr. T tolerates them because "they don't give me no lip."

26. Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. But also remember that you can't do shit, because Mr. T is the one who starts them, and no one can stop that crazy fool.

27. Mr. T can count past infinity.

28. During one of his frequent time-traveling adventures, Mr. T was accosted by a horde of frenzied Olde Englishmen who believed he was "Mr. Tea" and that he was going to supply them with all the tea and crumpets they could possibly desire. With a single blow, Mr. T knocked the entire mob unconscious. To this day, English people still have gnarly-ass teeth.

29. When Mr. T has nightmares, people around him start dying for no reason.

30. When Mr. T puts on his dancing shoes, you better f-ing run.

*edit* OK I think a few are repeats, but I still like it!

^oh my...

rofflmfao!!! no smilies to express the laughter i am experiencing!!!

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

:rofl:













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haha


18. When Mr. T cuts onions, it's the onions doing the crying.


aaaaaaahahahahahaha!!

Lol, the mr t ones are pretty good.

I got this in an email this a.m....a few may be repeats:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

....a few may be repeats:

All of them are repeats... :grinno:

All of them are repeats... :grinno:

Well hell :p I got the email and saw this thread at work and tried to skim thru quickly so I could get back to my pile of projects. <sigh>

I got another one.....


What did Chuck Norris do when he fought Bruce Lee?


He died








(atleast thats what i remember from Return of The Dragon)

lol what do u think of your big tough chuck norris now!!

I got another one.....


What did Chuck Norris do when he fought Bruce Lee?


He died.....




(atleast thats what i remember from Return of The Dragon)

lol what do u think of your chuck norris now!!

... fucking chuck norris.

I got another one.....


What did Chuck Norris do when he fought Bruce Lee?


He died








(atleast thats what i remember from Return of The Dragon)

lol what do u think of your big tough chuck norris now!!

Well have you ever had your chest hair pulled like that? It fucking hurts to death.

i have stumbled upon a hidden collection of jokes not referring to anyone's momma, middle-easterners, deceased babies, those of african decent, or women with a certain hair color...but to the star of an obscure show about a texas ranger that has received cult status by widowed shut-ins everywhere. Interesting, and yet chilling.

I didn't have time to read all 6 pages so sorry if this one already came up

Chuck norris eats babies and shits delta force team members

aren't these all from like www.3g.com?