Good for a laugh
Muscletang
09-29-2005, 07:46 PM
Well it has been a long time since I've posted up some jokes so here are a few. Enjoy.
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help but notice how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies our awe-struck man, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."
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A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Mary: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."
Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Mary: "Head Cleaner."
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A man had a terrible accident. His manhood was mangled and torn from his body. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible for his manhood to be rebuilt, but insurance didn't cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic. He had three choices - small for $3,500; medium for $6,500 and large for $14,000.
The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before a final decision was made.
The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man called his wife and told her their options.
The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad.
"Did you make a decision?" the doctor asked.
"Yes," said the man. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said
"Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".
"Yeah, my wife..."
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Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed!
"Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!"
Johnny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your mother's the wild card."
"Oh," says Johnny and he leaves the room.
Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his girlfriend Thelma humping away!
"Ernie!" cried Johnny, "What are you doing!"
Ernie stops humping for a second and says, "Well...I'm playing poker, Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard."
"Oh", says Johnny and he leaves the room.
Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny whacking off like it was going out of style!
"Johnny!" his father said, "I see you're playing poker, but where's your wildcard?"
Johnny replies, "With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!"
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One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.
"Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help but notice how beautiful your wife is."
"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.
"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."
The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.
"OK," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."
At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.
"I can't," replies our awe-struck man, still nuzzling away.
"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.
"I don't have ten thousand dollars."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Mary: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."
Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Mary: "Head Cleaner."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man had a terrible accident. His manhood was mangled and torn from his body. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible for his manhood to be rebuilt, but insurance didn't cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic. He had three choices - small for $3,500; medium for $6,500 and large for $14,000.
The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before a final decision was made.
The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man called his wife and told her their options.
The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad.
"Did you make a decision?" the doctor asked.
"Yes," said the man. "She'd rather remodel the kitchen!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said
"Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".
"Yeah, my wife..."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed!
"Dad!" says Johnny, "What are you doing!"
Johnny's father stops humping for a second and says "Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your mother's the wild card."
"Oh," says Johnny and he leaves the room.
Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his girlfriend Thelma humping away!
"Ernie!" cried Johnny, "What are you doing!"
Ernie stops humping for a second and says, "Well...I'm playing poker, Johnny... and Thelma is the wildcard."
"Oh", says Johnny and he leaves the room.
Later, Johnny's dad approached Johnny's room to call him to dinner. He opens Johnny's bedroom door and finds Johnny whacking off like it was going out of style!
"Johnny!" his father said, "I see you're playing poker, but where's your wildcard?"
Johnny replies, "With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
-GS-
09-29-2005, 07:52 PM
:rofl: nice ones
RickwithaTbird
09-29-2005, 09:20 PM
hilarious.
Rally Sport
09-29-2005, 09:48 PM
Last one is the best. :rofl:
tonioseven
09-29-2005, 10:03 PM
You've been holding out on us!! :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :smokin:
Oz
09-30-2005, 12:25 AM
:lol2::lol2::lol2:
clawhammer
09-30-2005, 07:57 AM
:lol: Good ones.
2.2 Straight six
09-30-2005, 12:09 PM
i didnt get the blonde "head cleaner" one but the other were brilliant, really made my day. thanks !
crayzayjay
09-30-2005, 12:19 PM
Good stuff :lol2:
fredjacksonsan
09-30-2005, 12:33 PM
:thumbsup:
Damien
09-30-2005, 12:38 PM
I need to stop reading AF in class :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl:
1986Z28
09-30-2005, 02:12 PM
best jokes EVER!!!
flatlander757
09-30-2005, 03:53 PM
i didnt get the blonde "head cleaner" one but the other were brilliant, really made my day. thanks !
I think a head cleaner is a tape like thing you put in the VCR that cleans it out(the VCR's head).
I think a head cleaner is a tape like thing you put in the VCR that cleans it out(the VCR's head).
2.2 Straight six
09-30-2005, 06:25 PM
I think a head cleaner is a tape like thing you put in the VCR that cleans it out(the VCR's head).
oooh......now i get it *small laugh*......ahh, thanks for explaining.....i felt sooo stupid, wonder why ?
oooh......now i get it *small laugh*......ahh, thanks for explaining.....i felt sooo stupid, wonder why ?
SeXy_AnGeL
09-30-2005, 06:44 PM
:lol2: good stuff...my favorite was the last one...I am glad to hear that I'm not the only one who doesn't get the jokes sometimes....I got all of these without explaination...promise
imtheoneandonlyD
09-30-2005, 06:57 PM
lol i liked the last two the best.
honda_racing101
10-02-2005, 07:49 PM
The first and the last two were my favorites.
jyot soni
10-14-2005, 12:22 PM
I like the first one and the fourth one with the guy in the bar :lol::lol2::lol::lol2:
travis712
10-14-2005, 03:58 PM
Ah I thought the Little Jonny one was the funniest. The others were really funny too though. Nice ones. Tonios got competition now!
jyot soni
10-17-2005, 11:20 AM
I need to stop reading AF in class :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl:
what happened????????? did u laugh really hard in the class full of students?
what happened????????? did u laugh really hard in the class full of students?
drewh4386
10-17-2005, 04:23 PM
head cleaner............what a dumb blonde..........or was she??? :uhoh:
Nicole8188
10-18-2005, 09:48 AM
I need to stop reading AF in class :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl:
Me too! I just got in trouble...
Me too! I just got in trouble...
Takenpix
10-18-2005, 02:25 PM
head cleaner............what a dumb blonde..........or was she??? :uhoh:
Sound to me she got the right title:evillol:
Sound to me she got the right title:evillol:
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