Kiwi Komedy time
tazdev
05-03-2002, 06:12 PM
below are some (supposably) true stories of crimes commited in the Greater Auckland area.
NORTH SHORE IDIOT
The North Shore Times News crime column reported that a, man walked into Brookvale McDonalds at 8:50AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because she said she couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered a Big Mac, the clerk said they weren't available until 10:30 am as only the breakfast menu was on offer. Frustrated, the man walked away.
AUCKLAND CITY IDIOTS
Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM machine in Auckland City's Queen Street by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their Toyota Landcruiser, but instead of pulling the front panel off the machine they pulled the bumper off their 4WD. Scared, and attracting attention from on coming traffic, they left the scene and drove home, with the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. No, they did not use a stolen car.
SOUTH EAST AUCKLAND IDIOT
A man walked into a Open late dairy, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
…
Fifteen dollars.
EAST AUCKLAND IDIOT
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window with all his might. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Apparently, the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. And the whole event was caught on videotape, which the store owner consequently sold for use on TV.
WEST AUCKLAND IDIOT
As a female shopper exited the K-mart in St Lukes Mall, a man grabbed her purse and ran. A shop assistant at K-Mart called the Police immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher, trying to mingle in the shopping crowd on Queen Street. They put him in the car and drove back to the K-Mart store. The thief was then taken out of the car and up to the K-Mart front desk and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which
he replied:
"Yes, Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from ."
SOUTH AUCKLAND IDIOT
When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Manukau, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. He had tried to siphon the petrol by first sucking it up the hose. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
NORTH SHORE IDIOT
The North Shore Times News crime column reported that a, man walked into Brookvale McDonalds at 8:50AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because she said she couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered a Big Mac, the clerk said they weren't available until 10:30 am as only the breakfast menu was on offer. Frustrated, the man walked away.
AUCKLAND CITY IDIOTS
Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM machine in Auckland City's Queen Street by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their Toyota Landcruiser, but instead of pulling the front panel off the machine they pulled the bumper off their 4WD. Scared, and attracting attention from on coming traffic, they left the scene and drove home, with the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and with their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. No, they did not use a stolen car.
SOUTH EAST AUCKLAND IDIOT
A man walked into a Open late dairy, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
…
Fifteen dollars.
EAST AUCKLAND IDIOT
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window with all his might. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Apparently, the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. And the whole event was caught on videotape, which the store owner consequently sold for use on TV.
WEST AUCKLAND IDIOT
As a female shopper exited the K-mart in St Lukes Mall, a man grabbed her purse and ran. A shop assistant at K-Mart called the Police immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher, trying to mingle in the shopping crowd on Queen Street. They put him in the car and drove back to the K-Mart store. The thief was then taken out of the car and up to the K-Mart front desk and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which
he replied:
"Yes, Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from ."
SOUTH AUCKLAND IDIOT
When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Manukau, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal petrol and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. He had tried to siphon the petrol by first sucking it up the hose. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
tazdev
05-03-2002, 06:13 PM
NOTHING IS FUNNIER THAN THE TRUTH...........
1. Only in New Zealand ......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in New Zealand......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in New Zealand......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
4. Only in New Zealand......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
5. Only in New Zealand......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and worthless junk in the garage.
6. Only in New Zealand......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
7. Only in New Zealand......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning' bloodsucking creatures'.
1. Only in New Zealand ......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in New Zealand......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in New Zealand......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
4. Only in New Zealand......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
5. Only in New Zealand......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and worthless junk in the garage.
6. Only in New Zealand......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
7. Only in New Zealand......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning' bloodsucking creatures'.
boingo82
05-04-2002, 01:17 AM
Ummm...Taz..all of those stories were published in the America's Dumbest Criminals (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/stores/detail/-/books/1558533729/glance/103-4087537-5358222) books, of which I own both.
http://lookinside-images.amazon.com/Qffs+v35leqpJPc12vic1Nx5eBnWcv82JSLRZ/+z9GSNSYyQMl9Mm7hbbgIUxNo+p+Qm85BT6OUbGZM1OEDYHQv3 J+VASzX/nLUjVvJ45QoamnxwnE7RR7ofK1IZJqj63oyvsl1vIpih/pA3Tc3pXQ== http://lookinside-images.amazon.com/Qffs+v35leqpJPc12vic1Nx5eBnWcv82rdj02n074g7OlP8DAG A8A252KE9TJjgxCefkQ7w2eAP47eFOa6rd+GFi5hQ4oFCxfhYN wxeJ8gFZI1REy7k2KFmtAa+kYdGLUIm27OTPz+aAKODoPdZlJg ==
And the "Only in New Zealand" things happen in America too, as evidenced here. (http://www.danggoodjokes.com/why/)
http://lookinside-images.amazon.com/Qffs+v35leqpJPc12vic1Nx5eBnWcv82JSLRZ/+z9GSNSYyQMl9Mm7hbbgIUxNo+p+Qm85BT6OUbGZM1OEDYHQv3 J+VASzX/nLUjVvJ45QoamnxwnE7RR7ofK1IZJqj63oyvsl1vIpih/pA3Tc3pXQ== http://lookinside-images.amazon.com/Qffs+v35leqpJPc12vic1Nx5eBnWcv82rdj02n074g7OlP8DAG A8A252KE9TJjgxCefkQ7w2eAP47eFOa6rd+GFi5hQ4oFCxfhYN wxeJ8gFZI1REy7k2KFmtAa+kYdGLUIm27OTPz+aAKODoPdZlJg ==
And the "Only in New Zealand" things happen in America too, as evidenced here. (http://www.danggoodjokes.com/why/)
boingo82
05-04-2002, 01:28 AM
tazdev
05-04-2002, 07:34 AM
oh well
sarujin
05-04-2002, 09:08 AM
hmm I can tell those arn't true.
For there is no Brookvale McDonalds on the Shore, infact I don't think there are any suburbs in Auckland with that name.
sarujin
For there is no Brookvale McDonalds on the Shore, infact I don't think there are any suburbs in Auckland with that name.
sarujin
Spec2 Girl
05-04-2002, 05:34 PM
True or not true, they're still great! :hehehe: :D
tazdev
05-05-2002, 01:02 AM
I think it must have meant Burkdale :D
Moppie
05-05-2002, 01:19 AM
Well heres a true one for you.
A gas station I use to work at was robbed as they often are.
However the thieves that did it were not the brightest or greatest examples of the New Zealand education system.
There were 4 of them, and all 4 looked directly at the security cameras when the walked into the shop.
They then walked around the shop, being caught on the other two cameras in the store.
They then proceded to beat the crap out of the guy who was working (a 100kg 6ft plus Fijian indian, who gave as good as he got) and then stole one, yes only one brick of cigerettes and all the cash in the till. A total of $100.
So after not wearing any disguises, looking into 3 differnt security cameras all 4 then jumped into thier car and drove off. Leaving the staff member enough time to write down thier number plate, which was also caught on an outisde camera.
The cops showed up at the owner of the cars house the next morning, and who should be sitting on the lounge floor counting out thier hard one spoils. Yes thats right 3 of the crims. One of them had used his girlfriends car, and then returned there afterwards. The quickly gave up the 4th member.
The money and smokes where returned, and all 4 were sent to jail.
Now heres the real kicker. The gas station they robbed just so happened to be on the turf of a local crime orgainastion. In fact it was located only a few K's down the road and many members of this organisation used it as thier local shop, to buy smokes, gas, bacon and eggs on a sunday moring etc. They knew most of the staff, and we considered some of our best and most friendly customers.
So after they told about the robbery bad things suddenly started happening to the 4 crims now in jail. :D
All 4 were badly beaten at least once, and 1 of them ended up with a broken back.
Just goes to show that crime really dosnt pay. At all.
A gas station I use to work at was robbed as they often are.
However the thieves that did it were not the brightest or greatest examples of the New Zealand education system.
There were 4 of them, and all 4 looked directly at the security cameras when the walked into the shop.
They then walked around the shop, being caught on the other two cameras in the store.
They then proceded to beat the crap out of the guy who was working (a 100kg 6ft plus Fijian indian, who gave as good as he got) and then stole one, yes only one brick of cigerettes and all the cash in the till. A total of $100.
So after not wearing any disguises, looking into 3 differnt security cameras all 4 then jumped into thier car and drove off. Leaving the staff member enough time to write down thier number plate, which was also caught on an outisde camera.
The cops showed up at the owner of the cars house the next morning, and who should be sitting on the lounge floor counting out thier hard one spoils. Yes thats right 3 of the crims. One of them had used his girlfriends car, and then returned there afterwards. The quickly gave up the 4th member.
The money and smokes where returned, and all 4 were sent to jail.
Now heres the real kicker. The gas station they robbed just so happened to be on the turf of a local crime orgainastion. In fact it was located only a few K's down the road and many members of this organisation used it as thier local shop, to buy smokes, gas, bacon and eggs on a sunday moring etc. They knew most of the staff, and we considered some of our best and most friendly customers.
So after they told about the robbery bad things suddenly started happening to the 4 crims now in jail. :D
All 4 were badly beaten at least once, and 1 of them ended up with a broken back.
Just goes to show that crime really dosnt pay. At all.
tazdev
05-05-2002, 04:40 AM
some people are just too stupid to walk the streets
Gonthrax
05-05-2002, 03:40 PM
Originally posted by Moppie
So after they told about the robbery bad things suddenly started happening to the 4 crims now in jail. :D
All 4 were badly beaten at least once, and 1 of them ended up with a broken back.
Just goes to show that crime really dosnt pay. At all.
ROFL!! :hehehe: Now thats damn funny, I understand though. There is a Raceway that is open 24hrs and I always go there go get smokes or a drink or some snacks or somthing. It's owned by arabs and they are cool as hell, I always talk to this one guy, Rahime (I donno how you spell it :( ) about GTRs. If it got robbed and he got beaten, I'd be pissed :mad:
So after they told about the robbery bad things suddenly started happening to the 4 crims now in jail. :D
All 4 were badly beaten at least once, and 1 of them ended up with a broken back.
Just goes to show that crime really dosnt pay. At all.
ROFL!! :hehehe: Now thats damn funny, I understand though. There is a Raceway that is open 24hrs and I always go there go get smokes or a drink or some snacks or somthing. It's owned by arabs and they are cool as hell, I always talk to this one guy, Rahime (I donno how you spell it :( ) about GTRs. If it got robbed and he got beaten, I'd be pissed :mad:
primera man
05-06-2002, 10:09 AM
Just had my good laugh at work for the night
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
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