Friday Funny
darkness
05-02-2002, 08:14 PM
A man and a woman are driving in the car when they see a wounded
skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up and brings it back into the car.
She says: "It looks cold, what should I do?"
He says: "Put it between your legs."
She says: "What about the smell?"
He says: "Hold its nose."
skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up and brings it back into the car.
She says: "It looks cold, what should I do?"
He says: "Put it between your legs."
She says: "What about the smell?"
He says: "Hold its nose."
darkness
05-02-2002, 08:17 PM
CBS NEWS: It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured
this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.
The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade
Centre in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled
an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern
Afghanistan. Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events
unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had
sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside,
and the little prick just popped up!
this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.
The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade
Centre in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled
an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern
Afghanistan. Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events
unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had
sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside,
and the little prick just popped up!
darkness
05-02-2002, 08:19 PM
Question: What is a bastard exactly?
Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like, “What is a bastard?”
And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.
In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.
The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.
http://files.automotiveforums.com/uploads/843345bastard.jpg
Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like, “What is a bastard?”
And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.
In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.
The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.
http://files.automotiveforums.com/uploads/843345bastard.jpg
taranaki
05-02-2002, 08:20 PM
:D :D :D good stuff buddy,keep'em coming!:D :D :D
darkness
05-02-2002, 08:22 PM
This one unlucky son of a bitch!
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS
President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast
passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the
shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been
installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building
workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his
suicide the way he had planned. "Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A
person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even
though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined
as committing suicide." That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain
death, but probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands. In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast
emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were
arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man
was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his
wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus. When
one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject "B." When confronted with the
murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's
financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to
use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation
that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun
was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't
actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the
part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt
to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten
story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast
passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered
himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS
President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald
Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell
past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast
passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the
shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been
installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building
workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his
suicide the way he had planned. "Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A
person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even
though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined
as committing suicide." That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain
death, but probably would not have been successful because of the
safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide
on his hands. In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast
emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were
arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man
was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his
wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus. When
one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject "B." When confronted with the
murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's
financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to
use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation
that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun
was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't
actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the
part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt
to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten
story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast
passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered
himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)
darkness
05-02-2002, 08:25 PM
THE MOST OFFENSIVE WORLD RECORDS!!
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen
pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the
armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation,
completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely
drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen it is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York, contains
tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed,but served with a tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'C*nt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of
seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12ft 4in)
and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who
produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was
officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134
washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an
officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen
pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the
armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation,
completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely
drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen it is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York, contains
tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed,but served with a tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'C*nt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of
seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12ft 4in)
and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who
produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was
officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134
washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an
officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
darkness
05-02-2002, 08:30 PM
One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local pharmacy. He goes up to the clerk and says, "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph', condom go BOOM!"
Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabbed some Trojans for professionals and tells the Chief to come back and tell him how they work for him.
The next day, the big Chief comes back to the pharmacy, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says, "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph', condom go BOOM!"
The clerk thinks to himself, "Damn, this guy must have some kind of super ejaculation going on." So he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box reads, "This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances."
The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him about the special condoms, and to report back to him on how well they work for him.
The next day, the Chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking, "Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he's really pissed."
The Chief looks at the clerk and yells, "Last night me fuck squaw!! Left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph, condom go 'oomph, left nut go 'BOOM'!"
Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabbed some Trojans for professionals and tells the Chief to come back and tell him how they work for him.
The next day, the big Chief comes back to the pharmacy, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says, "Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph', condom go BOOM!"
The clerk thinks to himself, "Damn, this guy must have some kind of super ejaculation going on." So he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box reads, "This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances."
The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him about the special condoms, and to report back to him on how well they work for him.
The next day, the Chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking, "Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he's really pissed."
The Chief looks at the clerk and yells, "Last night me fuck squaw!! Left nut go 'oomph', right nut go 'oomph', dick go 'oomph, condom go 'oomph, left nut go 'BOOM'!"
darkness
05-02-2002, 08:32 PM
"Why Sheep Are Better Than Women"
1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
4. Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
5. Nuttin' beats mutton.
6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
7. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
8. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.
1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
4. Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
5. Nuttin' beats mutton.
6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
7. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
8. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.
Gonthrax
05-02-2002, 10:04 PM
Originally posted by darkness
"Why Sheep Are Better Than Women"
1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
4. Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
5. Nuttin' beats mutton.
6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
7. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
8. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.
Awwww damnit darkness, you just had to go there didn't you???
:bloated:
"Why Sheep Are Better Than Women"
1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
4. Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
5. Nuttin' beats mutton.
6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
7. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
8. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.
Awwww damnit darkness, you just had to go there didn't you???
:bloated:
Spec2 Girl
05-02-2002, 10:30 PM
OMG we've created a monster!!! :p :hehehe:
darkness
05-02-2002, 10:58 PM
Originally posted by Spec2 Girl
OMG we've created a monster!!! :p :hehehe:
I was already a monster.:rolleyes:
OMG we've created a monster!!! :p :hehehe:
I was already a monster.:rolleyes:
Spec2 Girl
05-02-2002, 11:55 PM
Originally posted by darkness
I was already a monster.:rolleyes: awwww maybe a :devil: not a monster! :D :p
I was already a monster.:rolleyes: awwww maybe a :devil: not a monster! :D :p
darkness
05-02-2002, 11:57 PM
Originally posted by Spec2 Girl
awwww maybe a :devil: not a monster! :D :p
Can't I be both?;)
awwww maybe a :devil: not a monster! :D :p
Can't I be both?;)
Gonthrax
05-03-2002, 12:04 AM
Originally posted by darkness
Can't I be both?;)
No, you can't because... Well... It just wouldn't be right:finger:
Can't I be both?;)
No, you can't because... Well... It just wouldn't be right:finger:
Spec2 Girl
05-03-2002, 12:06 AM
Originally posted by darkness
Can't I be both?;) If you really want to, you can be both. I'll let you. :D
Can't I be both?;) If you really want to, you can be both. I'll let you. :D
tazdev
05-03-2002, 12:08 AM
You learn fast grasshopper. Keep up the obsenities:D
darkness
05-03-2002, 12:12 AM
Originally posted by Spec2 Girl
If you really want to, you can be both. I'll let you. :D
Arent' you kind:p
If you really want to, you can be both. I'll let you. :D
Arent' you kind:p
Spec2 Girl
05-03-2002, 12:25 AM
Originally posted by darkness
Arent' you kind:p That's me, sweetness and light! :angel: :D :p
Arent' you kind:p That's me, sweetness and light! :angel: :D :p
darkness
05-03-2002, 12:26 AM
Originally posted by Spec2 Girl
That's me, sweetness and light! :angel: :D :p
At times:p
That's me, sweetness and light! :angel: :D :p
At times:p
Gonthrax
05-03-2002, 12:33 AM
Originally posted by Spec2 Girl
That's me, sweetness and light! :angel: :D :p
Lol!!!!
What happened to "No More Little :angel: now just ;pureevil:" ????
That's me, sweetness and light! :angel: :D :p
Lol!!!!
What happened to "No More Little :angel: now just ;pureevil:" ????
tazdev
05-03-2002, 07:33 AM
The radio show was Queensland FM (QFM) and the host was Jim.
The phone-in competition was to give an English word that's not in the Oxford Dictionary and put the word in a sentence. The first prize was a fortnight for two in Los Angeles.
The show went as follows (don't forget the Aussie accent):
Jim: 'Hi, this is Jim. What's your name and what's your word'
Caller: 'This is Bob from the bush and my word is gaan, spelt g. a. a. n. '
Jim: 'Thanks Bob, my assistants are just checking and they are telling me that the word does not appear in the oxford Dictionary, so for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.'
Bob from the bush: 'Gaan fuck yourself!'
Jim immediately breaks the call and puts out the following message: 'Ladies and gents, this is a family show and we would appreciate that any future contestants refrain from using such language.'
Forty-five minutes and many unsuccessful contestants later...
Jim: 'Hi, this is Jim at QFM. What's your name and what's your word.'
Caller: 'This is Steve from Caloundra and my word is smee, spelt s. m. e. e. '
Jim: 'Thanks Steve, we're just checking... and... yes, smee does not appear in the Oxford Dictionary. Now for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.'
Steve: 'Smee again, gaan fuck yourself!'
The phone-in competition was to give an English word that's not in the Oxford Dictionary and put the word in a sentence. The first prize was a fortnight for two in Los Angeles.
The show went as follows (don't forget the Aussie accent):
Jim: 'Hi, this is Jim. What's your name and what's your word'
Caller: 'This is Bob from the bush and my word is gaan, spelt g. a. a. n. '
Jim: 'Thanks Bob, my assistants are just checking and they are telling me that the word does not appear in the oxford Dictionary, so for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.'
Bob from the bush: 'Gaan fuck yourself!'
Jim immediately breaks the call and puts out the following message: 'Ladies and gents, this is a family show and we would appreciate that any future contestants refrain from using such language.'
Forty-five minutes and many unsuccessful contestants later...
Jim: 'Hi, this is Jim at QFM. What's your name and what's your word.'
Caller: 'This is Steve from Caloundra and my word is smee, spelt s. m. e. e. '
Jim: 'Thanks Steve, we're just checking... and... yes, smee does not appear in the Oxford Dictionary. Now for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.'
Steve: 'Smee again, gaan fuck yourself!'
tazdev
05-03-2002, 07:34 AM
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?!" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it 'Holy cow - look at all those fucking Indians!'"
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?!" screamed the billionaire.
"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it 'Holy cow - look at all those fucking Indians!'"
tazdev
05-03-2002, 07:35 AM
Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the US study were incorrect. After three years of research and costs in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the German study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't trust the US or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research at a cost of around $75, the Aussie study reached a conclusion.
They came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the US study were incorrect. After three years of research and costs in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the German study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't trust the US or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research at a cost of around $75, the Aussie study reached a conclusion.
They came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
tazdev
05-03-2002, 07:39 AM
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
She asked, 'What are you doing?'
He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'
:D
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
She asked, 'What are you doing?'
He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'
:D
tazdev
05-03-2002, 07:42 AM
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied
that he did not need a whole head, but only half a head.
The boy said he would ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, 'There is some arsehole out there who wants to buy only a half-head of lettuce.'
As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the mall standing right behind him, so he added, 'and this gentleman wants to buy the other'.
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, 'You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?'
The boy replied, 'Canada sir.'
'Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?' asked the manager.
The boy replied, 'They're all just whores and hockey players up there.'
The manager said, 'My wife is from Canada.'
And the boy replied, 'Really. What team did she play for?'
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied
that he did not need a whole head, but only half a head.
The boy said he would ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, 'There is some arsehole out there who wants to buy only a half-head of lettuce.'
As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the mall standing right behind him, so he added, 'and this gentleman wants to buy the other'.
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, 'You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?'
The boy replied, 'Canada sir.'
'Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?' asked the manager.
The boy replied, 'They're all just whores and hockey players up there.'
The manager said, 'My wife is from Canada.'
And the boy replied, 'Really. What team did she play for?'
tazdev
05-03-2002, 07:45 AM
Two twins, Donny and Johnny, are asked by their parents what they each would like for their 10th birthday.
"I'd like a new bike" says Donny. "Then I could ride around and see everything that happens in the neighborhood".
"And I'd like a radio for my room" says Johnny. "Then I would hear all the news that goes on in town".
So their parents buy them the gifts. Later on that day, Donny is out on his bike when he comes upon a serious car crash. There are bodies and emergency vehicles all over.
"I gotta go tell Mom" says Donny, so he races back to the house and shouts "Mom! There's been a terrible accident!"
"Yeah, yeah" says his brother, "We heard all about it on my new radio."
Donny is disappointed he could not be first with the news, so he leaves on his bike. A little while later, he comes upon a burning orphanage.
"Wow! I gotta go tell Mom."
So he races home again and yells for his Mom, but again Johnny interupts and says "We heard it all on my new radio."
Once again Donny leaves disappointed. He rides and rides until he is out in the country. He sees a big, fat pig all alone in a field, and decides since he appears to be alone, to fuck the pig. He has his first orgasm and is so excited he thinks "I gotta go tell Mom!"
He races home and yells "Mom, Mom! I lost my virginity!"
His brother says with a sneer, "In a pig's ass you did!"
And Donny says "That FUCKIN' radio!!!"
"I'd like a new bike" says Donny. "Then I could ride around and see everything that happens in the neighborhood".
"And I'd like a radio for my room" says Johnny. "Then I would hear all the news that goes on in town".
So their parents buy them the gifts. Later on that day, Donny is out on his bike when he comes upon a serious car crash. There are bodies and emergency vehicles all over.
"I gotta go tell Mom" says Donny, so he races back to the house and shouts "Mom! There's been a terrible accident!"
"Yeah, yeah" says his brother, "We heard all about it on my new radio."
Donny is disappointed he could not be first with the news, so he leaves on his bike. A little while later, he comes upon a burning orphanage.
"Wow! I gotta go tell Mom."
So he races home again and yells for his Mom, but again Johnny interupts and says "We heard it all on my new radio."
Once again Donny leaves disappointed. He rides and rides until he is out in the country. He sees a big, fat pig all alone in a field, and decides since he appears to be alone, to fuck the pig. He has his first orgasm and is so excited he thinks "I gotta go tell Mom!"
He races home and yells "Mom, Mom! I lost my virginity!"
His brother says with a sneer, "In a pig's ass you did!"
And Donny says "That FUCKIN' radio!!!"
Spec2 Girl
05-03-2002, 04:23 PM
Originally posted by Gonthrax
Lol!!!!
What happened to "No More Little :angel: now just ;pureevil:" ???? That was my evil twin! :angel: :D :p
Lol!!!!
What happened to "No More Little :angel: now just ;pureevil:" ???? That was my evil twin! :angel: :D :p
Spec2 Girl
05-03-2002, 04:32 PM
Originally posted by Gonthrax
Lol!!!!
What happened to "No More Little :angel: now just ;pureevil:" ???? That was my evil twin! :angel: :D :p
Lol!!!!
What happened to "No More Little :angel: now just ;pureevil:" ???? That was my evil twin! :angel: :D :p
Gonthrax
05-03-2002, 04:48 PM
Originally posted by Spec2 Girl
That was my evil twin! :angel: :D :p
Double posting now are we? I suppose that was you and your evil twin to eh? :D
Taz: :hehehe: Congratulations, I have proceded to laugh my ass of in the middle of work at the last two :D :hehehe:
That was my evil twin! :angel: :D :p
Double posting now are we? I suppose that was you and your evil twin to eh? :D
Taz: :hehehe: Congratulations, I have proceded to laugh my ass of in the middle of work at the last two :D :hehehe:
Spec2 Girl
05-03-2002, 04:52 PM
Originally posted by Gonthrax
Double posting now are we? I suppose that was you and your evil twin to eh? :D
Why as a matter of fact it was! :devil: :finger:
:p :D
Double posting now are we? I suppose that was you and your evil twin to eh? :D
Why as a matter of fact it was! :devil: :finger:
:p :D
Automotive Network, Inc., Copyright ©2025