The Misadventures of the General Ree
LancerZero
08-01-2005, 02:14 PM
I'm still trying to sell my car, and when I do, I'll probably get a decent used Civic. I know they're too common, but I ran a bunch of cars through a list of my personal criteria, and the Civic came out on top every time. Anyway, so I was looking at epinions.com during one of my dorky list compilations, and found something interesting in the Civic reviews by a reviewer called, "ohbilly". Here's the URL for his reviews: http://www.epinions.com/user-ohbilly/show_~content/pp_~1/sort_~date/sort_dir_~asc/sec_~public_profile_opinion_list
And here's the compiled reviews themselves:
Read Review of 1997 Honda Civic
Review Summary About the Author
General Ree vs Mr. Chi
Oct 21 '00
Author's Product Rating
Product Rating: 5.0
Pros
_
Cons
_
Full Review
What's up everyone? Bou Dukata here again with another story straight out of the Hazaido Prefecture in Japan.
Last time Kenkei came back to town, so traffic tickets have sure been on the up and up lately. And to make matters worse, something was stirring within the ranks of Daijin Ketsu. We weren't sure what was up and it had Ruke and Jeshi a bit worried.
Well, we went into town to get some groceries for Daishi yesterday, and after we loaded em up into the General we were all ready to head back to the farm. Suddenly, this dirty ol 1982 Custom Toyota Van pulls up in front of the General and blocks us. We get out to confront this jerk, when out steps this humongous Sumo wrestler...holy shQ#$%t it's Mr. Chi!
"Hey boys, what's the hurry," Mr. Chi said in his rugged voice. Well Ruke obviously hadn't heard of Mr. Chi before so he steps up and is like "What's the deal blocking us like that?" Well Mr. Chi grunts and flings Ruke all the way across the street and into a wall! Dayam. Mr. Chi grunts again and peels off in his van. I ran over to Ruke and was all "Ruke are you crazy? That's Mr. Chi! He's helluva tough!"
Well later that night we were eating Daishi's cooking when Jeshi gave us the shiichiichi (Japanese phrase, hard to translate) that Mr. Chi was hired by Daijin Ketsu to run us Dukatas out of town! Well we sure are scared of Mr. Chi, so the only thing we could think to do was try and stay away.
The next day.......
We're out cruising in the General on the back roads, practicing our driving. Suddenly coming up from behind is that 1982 Custom Toyota Van again!! Damn. I'm behind the wheel of the General this time, so I slam it into 3rd at about 70 km/h and floor it. The turbos spool up one by one as the engine surges to redline. Wheee whee whee whee go the four turbos and shift pssssssssblbbbhhrrhrhtgggbbbrrrtttburlapbbbbhhttt goes the blowoff valve. I'm in 4th now still accellerating and I look behind me. Whew, lost him!! No wait, slam on the brakes. He's stopped right up ahead! We have no choice now and hop out of the car. "My van is helluva fast, foo" shouts Mr. Chi. Damn.
We don't know what to do now. Mr. Chi cracks his knuckles and starts walking towards us. "Jama wo senpai shimasu..." grunted Mr. Chi. Man this wasn't looking good. Suddenly Ruke hopped back into the General and I was quick to follow. We took off towards the creek. The 1982 Custom Toyota Van is right on our tails, but it's ok. We knew we can't outrun the Van even with our quad turbo carbeurated NSX motor swap but we could certainly outfly him! Ruke had it all planned out, heading right towards the tree that fell over during one of the quakes we had yesterday. When it fell over it left a nice slope uphill right at the side of the creek, perfect for jumping.
Ruke aimed right at it and floored it, the van closing fast. We hit it hard and blast our Speed Racer horn, landing perfectly at the other side of the creek. The General came to a sideways screeching halt and we look back, just in time to see Mr. Chi's van fall face first into the creek. Ouch! Those Toyota Vans only have about 6 inches of material in front of the driver, and half of that is the driver's legs. We figured there was no need to go check on Mr. Chi, and so we busted a quick Yu-turn to head back to the farm.
Recommended
Yes
Model Year: 1997
[hr]
Read Review of 1998 Honda Civic
Review Summary About the Author
General Ree Kidnapped?
Oct 21 '00
Author's Product Rating
Product Rating: 5.0
Pros
_
Cons
_
Full Review
Hello all, this is your old pal Ruke Dukata here. Bou is out having fun somewhere so I'm stuck writing up the story of our latest adventure.
Well, after our last run in with Keizan in the Chitsu Forest in the Hazaido Prefecture of Japan, he had given up the chase and let us return to our farm just outside the city. Well, naturally Bou and me were just excited to be back. Uncle Jeshi made us some of his special Sushi Surprise (tastes good comin in but hurts comin out) and naturally we were chomping it down.
Well, about halfway through dinner we heard a "ah-ah-ah-breetweeeeeeeeeeeet" and oh no!! Someone started up the General Ree! We jumped up from the table and ran outside, only to see the General being taken away right in front of us! For those who don't remember, the General Ree is a 95 Civic EX coupe with a NSX motor swap with custom quad-turbo setup, and the Fuel Injection stripped off and replaced with 2 4 bbl carbs and some fuzzy dice on the mirror.
Well damn, this guy was speeding off in the General Ree and we coudln't do anything except HOT PURSUIT!! We jumped into the only car available, Daishi's 99 LS1 Camaro (damn imports!) and took off. Man what's up with this car? It's so big and roomy, and everytime we give it gas we get jolted around. I don't see how anyone can buy these imports with all this neck jerking, I'm going to have to have Daishi give me a rubdown when we get back!
Anyway, we speed off after the General. We catch him up pretty quick (this guy must not be pushing the General too hard.) We're along side of him telling him to pull over, and he speeds ahead. What the heck? I look at the tachometer and even tho we're going 120 km/h I'm at only 2000 rpm. Well, let's see what she can do. I cram her into 3rd and am sucked back hard in the seat, as the General Ree flies past us (flies right back past us.) Well, we're ahead now and Bou gets up on the door, sitting on the door with his hands up on the roof. He pulls out his long Kame blowgun and aims it at the tires of the General. We hate to do this to our expensive 13" tires but we have to get the General back! A couple of puffs and the General is careening out of control. It goes off the road into the bushes and comes to a stop, and we bust a quick U-turn to go find out who took it.
Well, it turned out to be the evil KochinKo boys! Man, I should of known. Seishi KochinKo was the one driving the car, and we knew he was getting it for his sister Seiiri. She always loved the General, and also yours truly. ;)
Well, we beat this guy up Ninja style and called up Kutaru on the CB and he came with a new tire for the General. Bou took the wheel of the Camaro and we took it back to Daishi, who made us spend 3 or 4 hours washing it. It wasn't very fun, since nobody likes to drive an import. But man, that car sure is fast. We should put it up against the General sometime, but I doubt Daishi would let us race it.
Well, take it easy everyone! From your friends, The Dukatas.
Recommended
Yes
Model Year: 1998
[hr]
Read Review of 1999 Honda Civic
Review Summary About the Author
The General...Dead?
Oct 21 '00
Author's Product Rating
Product Rating: 5.0
Pros
_
Cons
_
Full Review
Hey there, fellow racing enthusiasts. What's up? Today was a sad day in Hazaido Prefecture. Cousin Ruke and I were heading to Tokyo for the domestic only auto show.
About 20 miles from the city the ground started shaking! The godzilla light on the instrument panel lit up and we slowed down to better avoid any debris that might come flying down the road. Remember, our car is a 95 Civic EX with NSX motor swap and six turbos. It used to be four turbos, but seeing as how we had two cylindars not doing anything we added two more. If anything happens we can get out of the way!
The noise got louder..like a bunch of fighter jets. The godzille light turned off and the kamikaze vengence light came on! That's when we saw them, a bunch of imports coming up on us FAST. We're surrounded on all sides. They're Mustangs and Camaros!
"Ruke-san," I exclaimed to Cousin Ruke. "They'll never keep up with the General Ree. Imports are all slow as heck, show em what a real domestic can do."
Ruke nailed the gas, and we started to fade on those fools. Suddenly the grumbling of their motors was too much to bear. We couldn't hear the soothing "tweeeeeetttt" of our motor anymore, just their loud booming gargling sound. They were right up on us, surrounding us on all sides. There was no where to go.
A black Mustang hit us from the side. His car is heavy! Stupid low tech imports. He hit us hard and sent us towards the side, but Ruke recovered. He slammed it into 2nd at 65 kph and put the pedal to the metal! Unfortunately, even with our NSX motor running six turbos and over 700 left wheel bariki, a Civic is still a Civic. The pinnacle of Japanese sports car design just couldn't handle it. The car twisted in around itself, unable to handle the two or three hundred inch-pounds of torque we were making.
The Camaro driver noticed the General Ree starting to lose control and slammed into it. We went flying into the Mustang owner, sparks everywhere as we rolled along against the side of his car. The Mustang driver opened his door real quick and sent us flying back across the roadway, into a ditch.
Suddenly I'm having hot steamy sex with sexy American "bitches!" Yeah it was great, musta been like three or four of them there. They were all laying before me naked..the light shining off their steamy glistening bodies. Calling for me..."Bou...bou...come take us Bou..."
"Rippa ne..." I whispered...as their long slender legs slowly opened before me. Then all of a sudden they went into labor, splitting open like a dropped honeydew and 2 Camaros, a Mustang, and a Firebird drove out!!!
I woke up screaming. Blood trickling down the side of my head. Ruke next to me, head against the wheel. More like the wheel against his head, we were upside down!
"Ruke, Ruke!!!" I shouted. No answer! I managed to kick the passanger side window out and crawl outside. My side of the General Ree was ok, but Ruke's was pretty smashed in. I knew I would need help to get Ruke out of the car.
I used ancient Japanese art of "sonna onna wameki," or, "screaming like a woman." Help soon came, in the form of Keizan! "Ooo, what were you Dukata danshi doing??" I tried to explain to him what was going on, as he used the Jaws of Inochi to get Ruke out of the car.
Of course, Keizan didn't believe us and assumed we were driving wrecklessly. We received the ticket for driving dangerously and the General Ree was assumed totalled. I was able to salvage two of the turbos but that's about the only part over the hood that wasn't melted. What's worse, Ruke is seriously hurt and in the hospital.
I knew that something rotton is going on in Hazaido Prefecture. Who were those guys and who hired them? And what's more, what do they want with me and Ruke? I needed to get home to Uncle Jeshi. Together we can figure this out. Poor Ruke..I hope he'll be ok. And how can I stop these people? The General Ree is on its way to the scrap yard.
I just got back to the farm, and I'm here now. Uncle Jeshi should be home soon from the store and we can work all this out. Hopefully I'll have some better news in the next few days.
Recommended
Yes
Model Year: 2001
[hr]
Enjoy! I sure got a kick out of 'em! (parodies are great)
And here's the compiled reviews themselves:
Read Review of 1997 Honda Civic
Review Summary About the Author
General Ree vs Mr. Chi
Oct 21 '00
Author's Product Rating
Product Rating: 5.0
Pros
_
Cons
_
Full Review
What's up everyone? Bou Dukata here again with another story straight out of the Hazaido Prefecture in Japan.
Last time Kenkei came back to town, so traffic tickets have sure been on the up and up lately. And to make matters worse, something was stirring within the ranks of Daijin Ketsu. We weren't sure what was up and it had Ruke and Jeshi a bit worried.
Well, we went into town to get some groceries for Daishi yesterday, and after we loaded em up into the General we were all ready to head back to the farm. Suddenly, this dirty ol 1982 Custom Toyota Van pulls up in front of the General and blocks us. We get out to confront this jerk, when out steps this humongous Sumo wrestler...holy shQ#$%t it's Mr. Chi!
"Hey boys, what's the hurry," Mr. Chi said in his rugged voice. Well Ruke obviously hadn't heard of Mr. Chi before so he steps up and is like "What's the deal blocking us like that?" Well Mr. Chi grunts and flings Ruke all the way across the street and into a wall! Dayam. Mr. Chi grunts again and peels off in his van. I ran over to Ruke and was all "Ruke are you crazy? That's Mr. Chi! He's helluva tough!"
Well later that night we were eating Daishi's cooking when Jeshi gave us the shiichiichi (Japanese phrase, hard to translate) that Mr. Chi was hired by Daijin Ketsu to run us Dukatas out of town! Well we sure are scared of Mr. Chi, so the only thing we could think to do was try and stay away.
The next day.......
We're out cruising in the General on the back roads, practicing our driving. Suddenly coming up from behind is that 1982 Custom Toyota Van again!! Damn. I'm behind the wheel of the General this time, so I slam it into 3rd at about 70 km/h and floor it. The turbos spool up one by one as the engine surges to redline. Wheee whee whee whee go the four turbos and shift pssssssssblbbbhhrrhrhtgggbbbrrrtttburlapbbbbhhttt goes the blowoff valve. I'm in 4th now still accellerating and I look behind me. Whew, lost him!! No wait, slam on the brakes. He's stopped right up ahead! We have no choice now and hop out of the car. "My van is helluva fast, foo" shouts Mr. Chi. Damn.
We don't know what to do now. Mr. Chi cracks his knuckles and starts walking towards us. "Jama wo senpai shimasu..." grunted Mr. Chi. Man this wasn't looking good. Suddenly Ruke hopped back into the General and I was quick to follow. We took off towards the creek. The 1982 Custom Toyota Van is right on our tails, but it's ok. We knew we can't outrun the Van even with our quad turbo carbeurated NSX motor swap but we could certainly outfly him! Ruke had it all planned out, heading right towards the tree that fell over during one of the quakes we had yesterday. When it fell over it left a nice slope uphill right at the side of the creek, perfect for jumping.
Ruke aimed right at it and floored it, the van closing fast. We hit it hard and blast our Speed Racer horn, landing perfectly at the other side of the creek. The General came to a sideways screeching halt and we look back, just in time to see Mr. Chi's van fall face first into the creek. Ouch! Those Toyota Vans only have about 6 inches of material in front of the driver, and half of that is the driver's legs. We figured there was no need to go check on Mr. Chi, and so we busted a quick Yu-turn to head back to the farm.
Recommended
Yes
Model Year: 1997
[hr]
Read Review of 1998 Honda Civic
Review Summary About the Author
General Ree Kidnapped?
Oct 21 '00
Author's Product Rating
Product Rating: 5.0
Pros
_
Cons
_
Full Review
Hello all, this is your old pal Ruke Dukata here. Bou is out having fun somewhere so I'm stuck writing up the story of our latest adventure.
Well, after our last run in with Keizan in the Chitsu Forest in the Hazaido Prefecture of Japan, he had given up the chase and let us return to our farm just outside the city. Well, naturally Bou and me were just excited to be back. Uncle Jeshi made us some of his special Sushi Surprise (tastes good comin in but hurts comin out) and naturally we were chomping it down.
Well, about halfway through dinner we heard a "ah-ah-ah-breetweeeeeeeeeeeet" and oh no!! Someone started up the General Ree! We jumped up from the table and ran outside, only to see the General being taken away right in front of us! For those who don't remember, the General Ree is a 95 Civic EX coupe with a NSX motor swap with custom quad-turbo setup, and the Fuel Injection stripped off and replaced with 2 4 bbl carbs and some fuzzy dice on the mirror.
Well damn, this guy was speeding off in the General Ree and we coudln't do anything except HOT PURSUIT!! We jumped into the only car available, Daishi's 99 LS1 Camaro (damn imports!) and took off. Man what's up with this car? It's so big and roomy, and everytime we give it gas we get jolted around. I don't see how anyone can buy these imports with all this neck jerking, I'm going to have to have Daishi give me a rubdown when we get back!
Anyway, we speed off after the General. We catch him up pretty quick (this guy must not be pushing the General too hard.) We're along side of him telling him to pull over, and he speeds ahead. What the heck? I look at the tachometer and even tho we're going 120 km/h I'm at only 2000 rpm. Well, let's see what she can do. I cram her into 3rd and am sucked back hard in the seat, as the General Ree flies past us (flies right back past us.) Well, we're ahead now and Bou gets up on the door, sitting on the door with his hands up on the roof. He pulls out his long Kame blowgun and aims it at the tires of the General. We hate to do this to our expensive 13" tires but we have to get the General back! A couple of puffs and the General is careening out of control. It goes off the road into the bushes and comes to a stop, and we bust a quick U-turn to go find out who took it.
Well, it turned out to be the evil KochinKo boys! Man, I should of known. Seishi KochinKo was the one driving the car, and we knew he was getting it for his sister Seiiri. She always loved the General, and also yours truly. ;)
Well, we beat this guy up Ninja style and called up Kutaru on the CB and he came with a new tire for the General. Bou took the wheel of the Camaro and we took it back to Daishi, who made us spend 3 or 4 hours washing it. It wasn't very fun, since nobody likes to drive an import. But man, that car sure is fast. We should put it up against the General sometime, but I doubt Daishi would let us race it.
Well, take it easy everyone! From your friends, The Dukatas.
Recommended
Yes
Model Year: 1998
[hr]
Read Review of 1999 Honda Civic
Review Summary About the Author
The General...Dead?
Oct 21 '00
Author's Product Rating
Product Rating: 5.0
Pros
_
Cons
_
Full Review
Hey there, fellow racing enthusiasts. What's up? Today was a sad day in Hazaido Prefecture. Cousin Ruke and I were heading to Tokyo for the domestic only auto show.
About 20 miles from the city the ground started shaking! The godzilla light on the instrument panel lit up and we slowed down to better avoid any debris that might come flying down the road. Remember, our car is a 95 Civic EX with NSX motor swap and six turbos. It used to be four turbos, but seeing as how we had two cylindars not doing anything we added two more. If anything happens we can get out of the way!
The noise got louder..like a bunch of fighter jets. The godzille light turned off and the kamikaze vengence light came on! That's when we saw them, a bunch of imports coming up on us FAST. We're surrounded on all sides. They're Mustangs and Camaros!
"Ruke-san," I exclaimed to Cousin Ruke. "They'll never keep up with the General Ree. Imports are all slow as heck, show em what a real domestic can do."
Ruke nailed the gas, and we started to fade on those fools. Suddenly the grumbling of their motors was too much to bear. We couldn't hear the soothing "tweeeeeetttt" of our motor anymore, just their loud booming gargling sound. They were right up on us, surrounding us on all sides. There was no where to go.
A black Mustang hit us from the side. His car is heavy! Stupid low tech imports. He hit us hard and sent us towards the side, but Ruke recovered. He slammed it into 2nd at 65 kph and put the pedal to the metal! Unfortunately, even with our NSX motor running six turbos and over 700 left wheel bariki, a Civic is still a Civic. The pinnacle of Japanese sports car design just couldn't handle it. The car twisted in around itself, unable to handle the two or three hundred inch-pounds of torque we were making.
The Camaro driver noticed the General Ree starting to lose control and slammed into it. We went flying into the Mustang owner, sparks everywhere as we rolled along against the side of his car. The Mustang driver opened his door real quick and sent us flying back across the roadway, into a ditch.
Suddenly I'm having hot steamy sex with sexy American "bitches!" Yeah it was great, musta been like three or four of them there. They were all laying before me naked..the light shining off their steamy glistening bodies. Calling for me..."Bou...bou...come take us Bou..."
"Rippa ne..." I whispered...as their long slender legs slowly opened before me. Then all of a sudden they went into labor, splitting open like a dropped honeydew and 2 Camaros, a Mustang, and a Firebird drove out!!!
I woke up screaming. Blood trickling down the side of my head. Ruke next to me, head against the wheel. More like the wheel against his head, we were upside down!
"Ruke, Ruke!!!" I shouted. No answer! I managed to kick the passanger side window out and crawl outside. My side of the General Ree was ok, but Ruke's was pretty smashed in. I knew I would need help to get Ruke out of the car.
I used ancient Japanese art of "sonna onna wameki," or, "screaming like a woman." Help soon came, in the form of Keizan! "Ooo, what were you Dukata danshi doing??" I tried to explain to him what was going on, as he used the Jaws of Inochi to get Ruke out of the car.
Of course, Keizan didn't believe us and assumed we were driving wrecklessly. We received the ticket for driving dangerously and the General Ree was assumed totalled. I was able to salvage two of the turbos but that's about the only part over the hood that wasn't melted. What's worse, Ruke is seriously hurt and in the hospital.
I knew that something rotton is going on in Hazaido Prefecture. Who were those guys and who hired them? And what's more, what do they want with me and Ruke? I needed to get home to Uncle Jeshi. Together we can figure this out. Poor Ruke..I hope he'll be ok. And how can I stop these people? The General Ree is on its way to the scrap yard.
I just got back to the farm, and I'm here now. Uncle Jeshi should be home soon from the store and we can work all this out. Hopefully I'll have some better news in the next few days.
Recommended
Yes
Model Year: 2001
[hr]
Enjoy! I sure got a kick out of 'em! (parodies are great)
clawhammer
08-01-2005, 11:42 PM
Cliff notes?
LancerZero
08-01-2005, 11:59 PM
Cliff notes: some crazy guy writes three whimsical short stories parodying what you might call American car pride, mirroring it onto a totally overblown Civic owner and managing to make fun of everybody in a way that actually makes a weird sort of sense in the context of a parody/satire.
Cliff notes for people who don't want to read the Cliff notes: Some weird dude. Fantasy 1995 Civic. NSX Engine swap with four/six turbos. Japanese Mr. T. Hella fast!
Cliff notes for people who don't want to read the Cliff notes: Some weird dude. Fantasy 1995 Civic. NSX Engine swap with four/six turbos. Japanese Mr. T. Hella fast!
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