105 things I cannot do in the army

I KNOW IT MIGHT SEEM LONG BUT TRY TO READ THROUGH IT THEY GET PROGRESSEVLY FUNNIER)

(ALSO MUST HAVE A SLIGHT KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY....STUFF)





1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
2. My proper military title is 'Private' not 'Princess Anastasia'.
3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
5. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
6. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.
7. Not allowed to join the communist party.
8. Not allowed to join any militia.
9. God may not contradict any of my orders
10. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'
11. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
12. Must not taunt the French any more.
13. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in.
14. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'
15. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
16. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
17. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
18. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
19. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
20. I do not have super-powers.
21. I am not the atheist chaplain.
22. I am not authorized to fire officers.
23. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.
24. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
25. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.
26. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.
27. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.
28. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'
29. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
30. ‘The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.
31. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
32. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
33. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
34. There is no ‘Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
35. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
36. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers'.
37. May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.
38. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
39. Ma y not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
40. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
41. I may not call block my chain of command.
42. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
43. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."
44. Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish' things.
45. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the ‘field of honor'.
46. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
47. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
48. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
49. Nerve gas is not funny.
50. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
51. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
52. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'
53. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
54. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
55. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
56. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
57. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
58. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
59. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
60. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
61. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
62. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
63. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
64. The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders.
65. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
66. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
67. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
68. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
69. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
70. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’.
71. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
72. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
73. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
74. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
75. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
76. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.
77. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
78. No part of the military uniform is edible.
79. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
80. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
81. Especially not a horror movie studio.
82. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'
83. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
84. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
85. We I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie
86. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.
87. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.
88. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
89. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.
90. My name is not a killing word.
91. I am not the Emperor of anything.
92. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.
93. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
94. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
95. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.
96. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
97. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
98. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.
99. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.
100. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
101. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
102. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
103. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
104. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
105. I must participate in training in the pool, even if I think there are ‘scuba diving werewolves’

That was worth reading...twas a good one!

:lol2:

105. I must participate in training in the pool, even if I think there are ‘scuba diving werewolves’



:lol:

Thanks for that :lol2:

haha wow that was funny!

12. Must not taunt the French any more.
13. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in.
14. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'
Some of my faves lol. Excuse any typos right here as I can not see my computer screen. My cat is obsessed with my mouse hand lol.

Actualy i allready did about half that stuff over the last two years (thats prob why i'm still a private)

these 2 cracked me up:

17. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
18. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

71. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
72. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.


Had me laughing. :lol:

I might just try that.

Great....

:bigthumb:

man did i love that list i should try some of them haha, i wonder if most of them should work in the Air Force 2

there mores to that then you posted. Heres the original link, http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html

one of the best laughs i've ever had!!

that.................is.......................so.. ........................godamn.................... funny.

lalalalalala!!! it rules

Im stationed in iraq right now and that shit is funny. A lot of it is funny cause ive done some of it. Hey you have to keep yourself entertained somehow