Got Jokes? [mature]

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The men go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I got the best handjob ever last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d
s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g,
h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."



This is the END. I think that's enough jokes for this Friday. Hope you enjoyed 'em!

Some of those were pretty dang good :D :lol2:

NICE!

LOL! Well done, some quality stress-relieving humour. Blow-job one's the best.

:eek: :D :D haha funny. ya i the blowjob one was funny, i would like to meet that family ;) :D :D

:eek: ...tyhat last one was a shocker !!!

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

:hehe:

*lol* Those were great!

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off
his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, takes off all her clothes, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy, naked man with an extremely large, firm, veiny erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"
The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked
receptionist: "May I help you?"

Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."

Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a
hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

The one taranaki :eek: posted was the best....but then the one about the blowjob was definently the runner up! :lol2: :lol2:

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

o O

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks:

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea.. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board.

But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck ONE goat . . . "

here are some

At an inner city all black high school, there were 3 finalists for a speeling bee, all three girls were looking fly as hell, and i mean gorgous.

"Contestant 1, spell DICTATE"
"DICTATE, D-I-K...."
"Fuck up, wrong!!"

"Contestant 2, spell DICTATE"
"D-I-C-P...."
"Fuck up, wrong!!"

Contestant 3, the hottest of them all gets up.

"Spell DICTATE"
"D-I-C-T-A-T-E"
"Amazing you got it correct. now to win the grand prize use it in a sentence."

"Oh that aint no shit, last night my boyfriends dic'tate so good i ate it all down"


A father and son are playing a game of catch outside and the son falls down hard and screams out "CUNT!!!"

"son, why did you say that? do you even know what a cunt is?"
"no what is it daddy?"
"come see me later tonight and ill tell you."

so the son comes to see the dad later on and asks him to tell him what it is.
"better yet son, ill show you."
so the father and son go upstairs to the master bedroom, where they sneak in on the wife masturbating on the bed.

"See son that is a vagina."
"then daddy, whats a cunt?"
"the rest of her"

here are some

At an inner city all black high school, there were 3 finalists for a speeling bee, all three girls were looking fly as hell, and i mean gorgous.

"Contestant 1, spell DICTATE"
"DICTATE, D-I-K...."
"Fuck up, wrong!!"

"Contestant 2, spell DICTATE"
"D-I-C-P...."
"Fuck up, wrong!!"

Contestant 3, the hottest of them all gets up.

"Spell DICTATE"
"D-I-C-T-A-T-E"
"Amazing you got it correct. now to win the grand prize use it in a sentence."

"Oh that aint no shit, last night my boyfriends dic'tate so good i ate it all down"

Another:

A father and son are playing a game of catch outside and the son falls down hard and screams out "CUNT!!!"

"son, why did you say that? do you even know what a cunt is?"
"no what is it daddy?"
"come see me later tonight and ill tell you."

so the son comes to see the dad later on and asks him to tell him what it is.
"better yet son, ill show you."
so the father and son go upstairs to the master bedroom, where they sneak in on the wife masturbating on the bed.

"See son that is a vagina."
"then daddy, whats a cunt?"
"the rest of her"

3 Questions

Originally posted by crxlvr
here are some

At an inner city all black high school, there were 3 finalists for a speeling bee, all three girls were looking fly as hell, and i mean gorgous.



1) Hmm...Speeling & gorgous?
Now who was in the spelling bee again?

Originally posted by crxlvr
here are some
"Contestant 1, spell DICTATE"
"DICTATE, D-I-K...."
"Fuck up, wrong!!"


2) Who is the judge?

Wait a minute, this is "an inner city all black high school", so teachers must speak like this. :thinkerg:

Originally posted by crxlvr

"See son that is a vagina."
"then daddy, whats a cunt?"
"the rest of her"

3) Where is the humor in this?


Crxlvr, understand your desire to be funny but you can't offend people in the process and not get any laughs on top of that.

Hopefully you or a moderator will delete the posts.

I thinkthisne is g its called "flat stomach":

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "Your wasting your time." say's the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled? "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Originally posted by Sham365
3 Questions



3) Where is the humor in this?


Crxlvr, understand your desire to be funny but you can't offend people in the process and not get any laughs on top of that.

Hopefully you or a moderator will delete the posts.


Note to Sham 365

http://files.automotiveforums.com/uploads/670094opinionnoted.jpg

Humor is subjective.Yours could be offensive to Scottish goat-molesters.

haha Love the blowjob one :D:D:D:D:D:D

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

an oldie but a goodie

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.":frog:

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
http://www.theunholytrinity.org/cracks_smileys/cwm/big/Duhard.gif

One day this kid is wak=lking to school and another kid comes up behind him and throws a rock at him. The kid turns around and calls him a purple flower.

When the kid gets to school, the teacher asks what had happen this morning, since the other kid ran ahead and told on him.

The kid says some kid cam up behind him and he threw a rock at him so he called him a purple flower.

Teacher yells, " A PURPLE FLOWER!!!!! YOU'RE GOING TO THE PRINCIPAL"S OFFICE!!!!!!!"

When the kid gets there, the principal asks what happened. The kid tells the same story.

Principal replies, "A PURPLE FLOWER!!!!! YOU'RE SUSPENDED!!!!"

His mom comes and picks him up and asks what happened. He tells the same story.

Mom replies,"A PURPLE FLOWER!!!!!! WAIT TILL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!!!!"

His dad comes home and asks what happens. Kid says," Well this kid threw a rock at me and um...........I called him purple flower.

"WHAT!!!!!!! YOU"RE GOING TO BOARDING SCHOOL!!!!"

He goes and the day comes of graduation and the question is, how you got there.

"Well it all begin one day when um......a kid threw a rock at me and I called him a purple flower.

"WHAT!!!!!?????????!!!!!!! YOU"RE NOT GRADUATING!!!!!"

The kid walks gloomy across the road and a car comes and hits and kills him.

Moral of the story is..........look both ways before you cross the street. :evillaugh :evillaugh :silly:

Originally posted by Damien

Moral of the story is..........look both ways before you cross the street. :evillaugh :evillaugh :silly:

LOL:frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog: :frog:

im just posting jokes ive heard, dont blame me for who wrote them or who gets offened, i couldnt care less, and as for the spelling thing, shit happens, noone is perfect.

Originally posted by Sham365


"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O o

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

eeeewww:apuke: :apuke: :apuke: :hehehe: :hehehe: :hehehe:

The young parents used code words when discussing sex in front of their children. The terms for intercourse ws "washing machine".
They were lying in bed one night when he said to her, "Darling, washing machine."
"Not now, I've got a headache", she replied.
An hour later, he ran his hand down her leg and said, "Darling, washing machine, please! washing machine."
"I've got a headache!", she complained.
An hour later, feeling sorry for him, she turned to him and said, "O.K. washing machine."
"Don't worry", he replied, "it was a small load so I did it by hand."

The young tourist was exploring the Red Light district of Bangkok and thought we would try one of the well known Parlours.
"Sory", said the Madam "there are no girls available tonight."
Disappointed, he returned to leave.
"Wait!", said the Madam, "we do have a beautiful young female pig available, and she's very popular with many of our clients. I can guarantee you'll enjoy it."
"Why not!" he thought.
He paid his money and had his way with the pig.
It was so enjoyable that he was back at the same Parlour the next night, asking for the pig.
"I'm sorry", said the Madam, "the pig's not available, but there's good show on tonight - a donkey with one of our girls."
He paid his money and took his seat behind the two-way mirror.
"Gee", he said to the man sitting next to him, "this is incredible."
"It's nothing", said the stranger. "You should have been here last night. There was a man fucking a pig."

Pamela Anderson went to the gynecologist for an examination. As the doctor moved his head down betwen her legs he said excitedly, "That's the biggest one I've ever seen! That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"You didn't have to say it twice!", she said with embarrasment.
"I didn't!" he replied.

what do you call the space in between a womens tits and her pussy?



a waist.

Once upon a time,three legendary figures were talking over a picnic lunch. Hercules says "You know, everyone says I am the strongest mortal on the earth, but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."

Snow White said "You're right! Everyone says I am the fairest, but how can I be sure?"

Quasimodo agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"

Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've got the answer. Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth."

Hercules says "Great, Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."

Quasimodo gets up to leave and says "See you tomorrow. Boy, I'm going to find out for certain that I'm the ugliest."

The next day, they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules says, "I talked to God, and He says that I am truly the strongest."

Snow White says, "So did I, and I am truly the fairest."

Quasimodo has his head down, leaning on the table and says, "Who the hell is Primera Man?"

Originally posted by taranaki
Once upon a time,three legendary figures were talking over a picnic lunch. Hercules says "You know, everyone says I am the strongest mortal on the earth, but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."

Snow White said "You're right! Everyone says I am the fairest, but how can I be sure?"

Quasimodo agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"

Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've got the answer. Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth."

Hercules says "Great, Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."

Quasimodo gets up to leave and says "See you tomorrow. Boy, I'm going to find out for certain that I'm the ugliest."

The next day, they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules says, "I talked to God, and He says that I am truly the strongest."

Snow White says, "So did I, and I am truly the fairest."

Quasimodo has his head down, leaning on the table and says, "Who the hell is Primera Man?"



ROFTLMAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!! I love it Mr T.....:lol2:.........:lol2:
you better start running like mad b4 P-man gets here..... :hehehe: :hehehe:

Originally posted by taranaki
Quasimodo has his head down, leaning on the table and says, "Who the hell is Primera Man?"

LOL :p :D

Aww naww, hell naww! Just called him out on AF.

LOL

Originally posted by taranaki
Quasimodo has his head down, leaning on the table and says, "Who the hell is Primera Man?"

Here's hoping you can run FAST and FAR.... cause you're gonna have one FURIOUS guy after ya!

Mr T's going to be in trouble:D











Nice work Taranaki

Mr T is a legend:D i hope Mr P man doesn't try to get him back for his genious:eek:

Originally posted by hdtboy
Mr T is a legend:D i hope Mr P man doesn't try to get him back for his genious:eek:


why thank you.............

http://www.tranzrail.co.nz/railsafe/images/kiwi_look.gif


I'll keep an eye out for him........:D