Do It Again
tonioseven
02-04-2005, 03:10 PM
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you
care to do it again?"
He asks her. "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This
time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head!!"
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life
for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you
care to do it again?"
He asks her. "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This
time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head!!"
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!
clawhammer
02-04-2005, 03:53 PM
I don't find it particularly funny.
91300zxtt
02-04-2005, 03:54 PM
HAHA, good one
Andydg
02-04-2005, 04:02 PM
I like that one.
tonioseven
02-04-2005, 04:05 PM
I don't find it particularly funny.
I don't find a lot of the things you post particularly funny either but I don't go out of my way to be an ass about it the way you seem to regularly with my bad jokes. :smile:
I don't find a lot of the things you post particularly funny either but I don't go out of my way to be an ass about it the way you seem to regularly with my bad jokes. :smile:
Spyke^
02-04-2005, 04:11 PM
Hope at least some of these aren't reposts and they give you a laugh..
A lady called a music store about a record she wanted, but dialed the wrong
number and got connected with an auto mechanic instead.
She asked, "Do you have 'Two Lips and Seven Kisses'?"
He said, "No..but I have two balls and seven inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No...But it's a damn good average!"
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to
lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because
Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a
family to support. At night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of
his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow
would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two
employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office.
"I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Oh, jack-off" Mary says, "I've got a headache."
Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet
in the stirrups. She was feeling very comfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked.
"Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
"Well, yes, but" stammered the woman.
"Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap."
A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal.
"What's your dog's name?" she asked.
"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.
"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"
"Because he won't heel."
Twenty Things a Guy Learned From Action Movies....
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.
20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.
Have a great weekend guys/gals.
Spyke
A lady called a music store about a record she wanted, but dialed the wrong
number and got connected with an auto mechanic instead.
She asked, "Do you have 'Two Lips and Seven Kisses'?"
He said, "No..but I have two balls and seven inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No...But it's a damn good average!"
The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to
lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because
Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a
family to support. At night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of
his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow
would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two
employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office.
"I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Oh, jack-off" Mary says, "I've got a headache."
Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the table and place her feet
in the stirrups. She was feeling very comfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor started dropping his pants, she freaked.
"Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
"Well, yes, but" stammered the woman.
"Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap."
A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal.
"What's your dog's name?" she asked.
"Herpes," replied the dog's owner.
"How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?"
"Because he won't heel."
Twenty Things a Guy Learned From Action Movies....
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.
17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.
19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.
20. If everyone in a team dies, it's the last man's job to win the fight against his enemy.
Have a great weekend guys/gals.
Spyke
fredjacksonsan
02-04-2005, 04:23 PM
Heh heh; true enough. Exception: #12, True Lies.
Damien
02-04-2005, 05:18 PM
Tonıo, you reposted your own joke...
Could have been someone else but...
Good ones Spyke
Could have been someone else but...
Good ones Spyke
tonioseven
02-04-2005, 05:21 PM
Tonıo, you reposted your own joke...
Could have been someone else but...
Good ones Spyke
Damn, I'm getting old!! :uhoh: :lol2:
Could have been someone else but...
Good ones Spyke
Damn, I'm getting old!! :uhoh: :lol2:
crayzayjay
02-04-2005, 06:53 PM
Good one Tonio :lol:
kicker1_solo
02-05-2005, 04:24 PM
I don't find it particularly funny.
that's because you're a penis muncher, maybe if the story would have been about two men and they actually did hump in the bushes you would have been delighted with the story. Now stop looking at gay porn and get a life. :disappoin
that's because you're a penis muncher, maybe if the story would have been about two men and they actually did hump in the bushes you would have been delighted with the story. Now stop looking at gay porn and get a life. :disappoin
Damien
02-05-2005, 06:48 PM
^Ah kicker...good to see someone voice themselves without care and it's funny too! :rolleyes: :cwm27:
clawhammer
02-05-2005, 08:32 PM
Crucify me for not getting the joke. For the record, I'm not gay.
tonioseven
02-06-2005, 11:35 PM
Crucify me for not getting the joke. For the record, I'm not gay.
Please forgive me for beating a dead horse but the way you stated your above reply, it seems as if you "got" the joke but decided it wasn't funny; your wording could've been a bit more "forum-friendly".
Please forgive me for beating a dead horse but the way you stated your above reply, it seems as if you "got" the joke but decided it wasn't funny; your wording could've been a bit more "forum-friendly".
clawhammer
02-06-2005, 11:43 PM
Please forgive me for beating a dead horse but the way you stated your above reply, it seems as if you "got" the joke but decided it wasn't funny; your wording could've been a bit more "forum-friendly".
I'll try to keep my comments and replies more positive in the future. I dont' want everyone at AF to be pissed at me.
I'll try to keep my comments and replies more positive in the future. I dont' want everyone at AF to be pissed at me.
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