Yay! More Jokes!
KustmAce
01-12-2005, 11:29 PM
A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he was to the field.
But halfway through the first quarter, he spotted an empty 50-yard-line seat that had to be the best seat in the house. He went down to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?"
"Nope" the guy replied.
So the man sat down, and about 30 minute later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!"
The guy sitting next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed to be my wife's seat, but she died."
The man, feeling like a total jerk said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you have asked a relative to come with you?"
"No", said the guy. "They're all at the funeral."
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A man goes to a doctor for his annual check-up. After performing some tests, the doctor comes into the examining room with a serious look on his face. The man immediately senses something is wrong.
MAN: What the matter, Doc?
DOCTOR: Well... I'm afraid you don't have long to live.
MAN: What? I don't have long to live?!
DOCTOR: It's true.
MAN: I don't believe this. How long do I have?
DOCTOR: Uh... 10.
MAN: Ten what? Years? Months?
DOCTOR: 9...8...
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After a number of attacks on hikers and campers in Alaska, the Department of Fish and Game released the following advisory:
"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity."
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. A Grizzly bear's droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
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Two blondes were walking in the forest one day, when they found some tracks on the ground. The first blonde said, "I know what kind of tracks those are. Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde shook her head and said, "No, those are elk tracks." The first blonde said, "No, my daddy showed me those kind of tracks before, and those are deer tracks."
Then the second blonde said, "Well, MY daddy showed my these same exact kind of tracks, and I'm sure these are elk tracks." The two of them argued back and forth for about 15 minutes, and then a train ran them over.
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A man wanted his porch painted for cheap. He put signs up asking for a painter, no experience necessary. He got a reply within hours. It was beautiful blonde woman. She said " I'll paint for you but tell me, how much do you pay?"
He answered, "$200 and you'll have to buy your own supplies."
"I'll do it," she replied.
He then smiled and said, "Good, I want you to paint the porch, the whole porch, green."
She nodded and said, "Alright." So she went on her way to do her job.
A couple hours later she knocked on the door and said, " I'm finished."
The man looked at her wide-eyed and said "Already? The whole thing?"
She replied " Yes, all of it." So he payed her and as she was about to leave she said, "Oh, and it's not a Porsche, it's a BMW."
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Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said,
"Mr. President, I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did the banners say?" President Clinton asked.
Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN."
"You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called," President Clinton responded. "Last night I, too, had a similar dream. I dreamed I saw all of Baghdad and it was more beautiful than I ever imagined.
"It had been rebuilt completely and on each house was an enormous banner."
"What did the banners say?" Saddam asked.
"I don't know," replied President Clinton, "I can't read Hebrew."
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Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"
She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Betcha a six-pack."
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A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
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This redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examining him says, 'Well, I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol.'
The redneck replies, 'Well, then, I'll come back when you're sober.'
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Two boys were hunting. After a few hours, they realized they were hopelessly lost.
The first boy said, "I heard somewhere that if you fire a shot into the air someone will come to your aid."
They fired one shot but nobody came. They fired again and again, to no avail. Starting to panic, the first boy said, "Try one more time."
His friend replied, "Okay, but we're almost out of arrows."
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Top Ten Signs You Have Joined A Cheap HMO:
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."
3 You ask for Viagra. You get a popscicle stick and duct tape.
4. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
5. Exam room has a tip jar.
6. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgescicle.
7. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
9. To avoid a time-consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
10. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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Uh oh...Canadian/Northern States Joke...
Sven and Ole worked together, and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he said.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."
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Chris and John went duck hunting for the first time. They took decoys, shotguns, and camouflage hunting suits. Before they left, a friend suggested that they bring a "dog to get the ducks." They took his advice and off they went.
As noon time rolled around, the other hunters on the lake were heading back with boats filled with ducks, while Chris and John had not a single duck.
Chris asked "What do you think we're doing wrong?"
John replied "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough".
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There were these two guys, walking their dog's, one was a Doberman and one was a Chihuahua. As they were walking, they passed a bar and wanted to get in. But there was a sign in the window that said: NO PETS ALLOWED! So the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go in as blind men with seeing-eye dog's!" They agreed that the guy with the Doberman would go in first.
The first guy told the guard that the Doberman was his seeing-eye dog, so he got in. When the second guy tried to get in, the guard said "Exuse me sir but, Chihuahuas aren't seeing-eye dogs!"
The guy say's "THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!!"
I think thats enough for tonight. Enjoy!
But halfway through the first quarter, he spotted an empty 50-yard-line seat that had to be the best seat in the house. He went down to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?"
"Nope" the guy replied.
So the man sat down, and about 30 minute later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!"
The guy sitting next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed to be my wife's seat, but she died."
The man, feeling like a total jerk said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you have asked a relative to come with you?"
"No", said the guy. "They're all at the funeral."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a doctor for his annual check-up. After performing some tests, the doctor comes into the examining room with a serious look on his face. The man immediately senses something is wrong.
MAN: What the matter, Doc?
DOCTOR: Well... I'm afraid you don't have long to live.
MAN: What? I don't have long to live?!
DOCTOR: It's true.
MAN: I don't believe this. How long do I have?
DOCTOR: Uh... 10.
MAN: Ten what? Years? Months?
DOCTOR: 9...8...
------------------------------------------------------------------
After a number of attacks on hikers and campers in Alaska, the Department of Fish and Game released the following advisory:
"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity."
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. A Grizzly bear's droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes were walking in the forest one day, when they found some tracks on the ground. The first blonde said, "I know what kind of tracks those are. Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde shook her head and said, "No, those are elk tracks." The first blonde said, "No, my daddy showed me those kind of tracks before, and those are deer tracks."
Then the second blonde said, "Well, MY daddy showed my these same exact kind of tracks, and I'm sure these are elk tracks." The two of them argued back and forth for about 15 minutes, and then a train ran them over.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A man wanted his porch painted for cheap. He put signs up asking for a painter, no experience necessary. He got a reply within hours. It was beautiful blonde woman. She said " I'll paint for you but tell me, how much do you pay?"
He answered, "$200 and you'll have to buy your own supplies."
"I'll do it," she replied.
He then smiled and said, "Good, I want you to paint the porch, the whole porch, green."
She nodded and said, "Alright." So she went on her way to do her job.
A couple hours later she knocked on the door and said, " I'm finished."
The man looked at her wide-eyed and said "Already? The whole thing?"
She replied " Yes, all of it." So he payed her and as she was about to leave she said, "Oh, and it's not a Porsche, it's a BMW."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Saddam Hussein called President Clinton and said,
"Mr. President, I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner."
"What did the banners say?" President Clinton asked.
Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN."
"You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called," President Clinton responded. "Last night I, too, had a similar dream. I dreamed I saw all of Baghdad and it was more beautiful than I ever imagined.
"It had been rebuilt completely and on each house was an enormous banner."
"What did the banners say?" Saddam asked.
"I don't know," replied President Clinton, "I can't read Hebrew."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"
She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Betcha a six-pack."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
This redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examining him says, 'Well, I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol.'
The redneck replies, 'Well, then, I'll come back when you're sober.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two boys were hunting. After a few hours, they realized they were hopelessly lost.
The first boy said, "I heard somewhere that if you fire a shot into the air someone will come to your aid."
They fired one shot but nobody came. They fired again and again, to no avail. Starting to panic, the first boy said, "Try one more time."
His friend replied, "Okay, but we're almost out of arrows."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Signs You Have Joined A Cheap HMO:
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."
3 You ask for Viagra. You get a popscicle stick and duct tape.
4. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
5. Exam room has a tip jar.
6. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgescicle.
7. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
9. To avoid a time-consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
10. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Uh oh...Canadian/Northern States Joke...
Sven and Ole worked together, and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he said.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris and John went duck hunting for the first time. They took decoys, shotguns, and camouflage hunting suits. Before they left, a friend suggested that they bring a "dog to get the ducks." They took his advice and off they went.
As noon time rolled around, the other hunters on the lake were heading back with boats filled with ducks, while Chris and John had not a single duck.
Chris asked "What do you think we're doing wrong?"
John replied "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough".
-------------------------------------------------------------------
There were these two guys, walking their dog's, one was a Doberman and one was a Chihuahua. As they were walking, they passed a bar and wanted to get in. But there was a sign in the window that said: NO PETS ALLOWED! So the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go in as blind men with seeing-eye dog's!" They agreed that the guy with the Doberman would go in first.
The first guy told the guard that the Doberman was his seeing-eye dog, so he got in. When the second guy tried to get in, the guard said "Exuse me sir but, Chihuahuas aren't seeing-eye dogs!"
The guy say's "THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!!"
I think thats enough for tonight. Enjoy!
lordvektra
01-12-2005, 11:47 PM
:lol: have heard a few, thats a lot of joks and most of them were good. :cheers:
YogsVR4
01-12-2005, 11:58 PM
There are some good ones mixed in there :lol:
ghostguy6
01-13-2005, 12:19 AM
eh............
GritMaster
01-13-2005, 12:54 AM
*Cough*repost*Cough!*
Oh well Still a couple I haven't heard Good stuff :)
Oh well Still a couple I haven't heard Good stuff :)
dantheman00114
01-13-2005, 09:49 AM
the first one was posted before but for some soccer championship or something
fredjacksonsan
01-13-2005, 09:57 AM
Hey, coworkers looking at me funny. Must be some good stuff there....
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