Jokes? Question is do you really want to see these?
ragt20
02-13-2002, 03:47 PM
:D :rolleyes:
In the corridor of a government office there was a sign-board reading "Don't make a noise." Someone added the following words: "Otherwise we may wake up."
Two terrorists were driving their car to the spot where they intended to place the bomb. The one in driver's seat looked very worried. "Natha, what happens if the bomb we have on the back seat blows up before we get to the site?" "Not to worry," replied Natha, "I have a spare one in my attache case."
The wife wanted to do some shopping during the day and so, at breakfast she asked her husband for a hundred dollars. "Money, money, money!" he shouted at the top of his voice. "Every day of the week you want more money. If you ask me, I think you need brains more than you need money." "Perhaps so," his wife agreed,"but I asked you for what I thought you had the most of."
Once two friends were boasting about themselves. Seamus: "Once my grandfather's wrist-watch fell into a well. When it was pulled out after thirty years it was still running." Paddy: "So what is so great about it? Once my grandfather himself fell into a well, and after thirty years when he was taken out, he was still alive." Seamus: "How can that be possible? What was he doing on the well for thirty years?" Paddy: "Why not? He was winding your grandfather's wrist-watch."
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?" The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean." The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you ?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese,Vietnamese, etc......" The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese." A while later the Japanese turned to the Americans and asked what kind of '-key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I ?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?"
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" He says, "Oh, honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse just called."--
An Englishman, an American and a Indian are called upon to test a lie detector. The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent. The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent. The Indian says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
One Mr T would enjoy :hehe:
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked.... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
that should be enuff :lol2:
In the corridor of a government office there was a sign-board reading "Don't make a noise." Someone added the following words: "Otherwise we may wake up."
Two terrorists were driving their car to the spot where they intended to place the bomb. The one in driver's seat looked very worried. "Natha, what happens if the bomb we have on the back seat blows up before we get to the site?" "Not to worry," replied Natha, "I have a spare one in my attache case."
The wife wanted to do some shopping during the day and so, at breakfast she asked her husband for a hundred dollars. "Money, money, money!" he shouted at the top of his voice. "Every day of the week you want more money. If you ask me, I think you need brains more than you need money." "Perhaps so," his wife agreed,"but I asked you for what I thought you had the most of."
Once two friends were boasting about themselves. Seamus: "Once my grandfather's wrist-watch fell into a well. When it was pulled out after thirty years it was still running." Paddy: "So what is so great about it? Once my grandfather himself fell into a well, and after thirty years when he was taken out, he was still alive." Seamus: "How can that be possible? What was he doing on the well for thirty years?" Paddy: "Why not? He was winding your grandfather's wrist-watch."
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?" The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean." The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you ?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...Are you a Chinese, Japanese,Vietnamese, etc......" The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese." A while later the Japanese turned to the Americans and asked what kind of '-key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I ?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?"
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" He says, "Oh, honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. He says, "What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse just called."--
An Englishman, an American and a Indian are called upon to test a lie detector. The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Ok", he says, "10 bottles". And the machine is silent. The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers". BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector. "Allright, 8 hamburgers". And the machine's silent. The Indian says: "I think...", BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
One Mr T would enjoy :hehe:
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked.... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
that should be enuff :lol2:
Spec2 Girl
02-13-2002, 03:53 PM
:rolleyes: :rolleyes:
:lol2: :lol2: :silly2:
:lol2: :lol2: :silly2:
Gonthrax
02-13-2002, 03:58 PM
:flash: :hehehe: :hehehe: :huh: :cwn27:
tazdev
02-14-2002, 12:50 AM
Originally posted by ragt20
:D :rolleyes:
Two terrorists were driving their car to the spot where they intended to place the bomb. The one in driver's seat looked very worried. "Natha, what happens if the bomb we have on the back seat blows up before we get to the site?" "Not to worry," replied Natha, "I have a spare one in my attache case."
:lol2:
This has to be the best of the lot:devil:
:D :rolleyes:
Two terrorists were driving their car to the spot where they intended to place the bomb. The one in driver's seat looked very worried. "Natha, what happens if the bomb we have on the back seat blows up before we get to the site?" "Not to worry," replied Natha, "I have a spare one in my attache case."
:lol2:
This has to be the best of the lot:devil:
Tireburner
02-14-2002, 08:47 AM
Originally posted by ragt20
:D :rolleyes:
One Mr T would enjoy :hehe:
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked.... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
That's my favorite!!!
:D :rolleyes:
One Mr T would enjoy :hehe:
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked.... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
That's my favorite!!!
YogsVR4
02-14-2002, 09:42 AM
Originally posted by tazdev
This has to be the best of the lot:devil:
Agreed :D
This has to be the best of the lot:devil:
Agreed :D
crxlvr
02-14-2002, 02:11 PM
some may have read this already.
a father and his son are playing catch outside when the young boy falls down and screams out "CUNT!!"
"boy, why did you say cunt when you fell down?"
"i dunno"
"do you even know what a cunt is?"
"no"
"well come see me later tonight and ill tell ya"
so later that night the son finds his dad and they walk upstairs to the parents bedroom, the dad opens the door to see his wife masturbating herself on the bed.
he lifts her skirt.
"see son that is a vagina"
"so whats a cunt then?"
"the rest of her!"
a father and his son are playing catch outside when the young boy falls down and screams out "CUNT!!"
"boy, why did you say cunt when you fell down?"
"i dunno"
"do you even know what a cunt is?"
"no"
"well come see me later tonight and ill tell ya"
so later that night the son finds his dad and they walk upstairs to the parents bedroom, the dad opens the door to see his wife masturbating herself on the bed.
he lifts her skirt.
"see son that is a vagina"
"so whats a cunt then?"
"the rest of her!"
BoredRec
02-15-2002, 01:48 AM
Originally posted by crxlvr
he lifts her skirt.
"see son that is a vagina"
"so whats a cunt then?"
"the rest of her!"
DAMN!!!!!!!:eek: :hehehe: :hehehe:
he lifts her skirt.
"see son that is a vagina"
"so whats a cunt then?"
"the rest of her!"
DAMN!!!!!!!:eek: :hehehe: :hehehe:
SickLude
02-15-2002, 02:37 AM
that was more gross than anything else...
tazdev
02-15-2002, 02:58 AM
Originally posted by SickLude
that was more gross than anything else...
Twas funny none the less
that was more gross than anything else...
Twas funny none the less
primera man
02-16-2002, 07:12 AM
Have to agree....the bomb one was the best :D :p
89ssgti
02-16-2002, 06:59 PM
These are funny:D
J SPEC SilEighty
02-17-2002, 02:16 AM
Originally posted by 89ssgti
These are funny:D
:lol2: agreed
These are funny:D
:lol2: agreed
SiRedge
02-17-2002, 08:20 AM
Originally posted by ragt20
:D :rolleyes:
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
I liked this one :rolleyes: - But they're all pretty funny :hehehe:
:D :rolleyes:
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
I liked this one :rolleyes: - But they're all pretty funny :hehehe:
Damien
02-17-2002, 10:00 PM
Originally posted by crxlvr
some may have read this already.
a father and his son are playing catch outside when the young boy falls down and screams out "CUNT!!"
"boy, why did you say cunt when you fell down?"
"i dunno"
"do you even know what a cunt is?"
"no"
"well come see me later tonight and ill tell ya"
so later that night the son finds his dad and they walk upstairs to the parents bedroom, the dad opens the door to see his wife masturbating herself on the bed.
he lifts her skirt.
"see son that is a vagina"
"so whats a cunt then?"
"the rest of her!"
OK??????? :confused: :confused: :confused:
All the others were funny. :lol2: The lawyer one was really good since that's what I'm going to be. :D :D :D
I see all these good jokes. Maybe someone can help Steel get some new stuff. :p :hehe:
some may have read this already.
a father and his son are playing catch outside when the young boy falls down and screams out "CUNT!!"
"boy, why did you say cunt when you fell down?"
"i dunno"
"do you even know what a cunt is?"
"no"
"well come see me later tonight and ill tell ya"
so later that night the son finds his dad and they walk upstairs to the parents bedroom, the dad opens the door to see his wife masturbating herself on the bed.
he lifts her skirt.
"see son that is a vagina"
"so whats a cunt then?"
"the rest of her!"
OK??????? :confused: :confused: :confused:
All the others were funny. :lol2: The lawyer one was really good since that's what I'm going to be. :D :D :D
I see all these good jokes. Maybe someone can help Steel get some new stuff. :p :hehe:
91HBSi
02-17-2002, 11:40 PM
This is one I heard from my Art IV teacher.
A Jew and a Chinese guy are pilots on this plane. There is silence through the whole flight. Finally the Jew says
"You know, I really don't like you Chinese people."
The Chinese guy disturbed and confused replies
"You no like Chinese? Why you no like Chinese?"
The Jew keeping control of the plane and looking ahead says
"cause you bombed Pearl Harbor."
Then the Chinese guy is insulted and says
"What?! Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbor. That was Japanese."
The Jew says
"Chinese, Japanese, Veitmanese.... it doesn't matter your all the same."
With that, there is silence again. Then the Chinese guy, after sitting there and pondering on the words that were exchanged says
"Well... I no like Jew!"
The Jew replied
"What? You don't like Jews? Why the heck don't you like Jews?"
The Chinese man then says
"Jews sank Titantic!"
Then the Jew gets a confused grin on his face and says
"What? You moron, Jews didn't sink the Titantic... an Iceberg did!" Then the Chinese guy replies
"Iceberg, Rosenburg, Isenburg.. NO MATTER ALL SAME!"
A Jew and a Chinese guy are pilots on this plane. There is silence through the whole flight. Finally the Jew says
"You know, I really don't like you Chinese people."
The Chinese guy disturbed and confused replies
"You no like Chinese? Why you no like Chinese?"
The Jew keeping control of the plane and looking ahead says
"cause you bombed Pearl Harbor."
Then the Chinese guy is insulted and says
"What?! Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbor. That was Japanese."
The Jew says
"Chinese, Japanese, Veitmanese.... it doesn't matter your all the same."
With that, there is silence again. Then the Chinese guy, after sitting there and pondering on the words that were exchanged says
"Well... I no like Jew!"
The Jew replied
"What? You don't like Jews? Why the heck don't you like Jews?"
The Chinese man then says
"Jews sank Titantic!"
Then the Jew gets a confused grin on his face and says
"What? You moron, Jews didn't sink the Titantic... an Iceberg did!" Then the Chinese guy replies
"Iceberg, Rosenburg, Isenburg.. NO MATTER ALL SAME!"
tazdev
02-18-2002, 03:26 AM
so bloody corny its funny:sun:
91HBSi
02-18-2002, 04:10 PM
Yeah, you know you liked it...
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