Lossed another friend the other night.

The other night I have got a phone at approximately 8:30 pm(Eastern) with a very good friend very upset. I talked to her till about 10:30pm when she assured me she was okay and was going to go to sleep. Well the night goes by and no phone calls from her and I thought great she is okay. Turns out I couldn't have been anymore wrong. At approximately 1:15pm the next day(9-2) I got a voicemail from a friend of hers saying she had killed herself. I didn't know what to think of it. I had lost friend being shot down in front of me. I mean if i took another step from behind(dropped in bushes) and reached out I would have saved him. But this seems so much worse. The only places I have gone was to school and the barn where my dad keeps the horse. The only reason is basically a good friend there. I haven't been able to really tell her how I feel due to how things fly around there. I haven't slept in days and feel like I didn't do enough. I know I couldn't possibly done more unless I drove hundreds of miles which I would have done if the weather conditions in the area were different. Basically heavy rain cause the block to flood and not be able to go anywhere unless you have a truck. I feel like crap. Like I could cry for weeks. I got a remark from someone saying I would dehydrate before them. I drink more then a camel would in a lifetime as a response and it is true. I just can't get myself to actually cry. I can't pin point an exact reason. But an idea it is about being comforted.Yes I know I sound emotionally weak and unmanly or uncowboylike. I did go to my therapist and it didn't do anything but make everything worse because he is a complete pompus blood and money sucking jackass that I hate. But anyways I am done ranting. But is there a way to make yourself cry kind of like making yourself throw up. No I don't have a eating disorder and would never consider doing such a thing.

thats real rough. i feel for you man. hope things look up.

Well I feel much better today. I ended up going for a long drive with a friend and ended up at a friend's house. We went out to talk leaving my friend who owns the car we took inside. I cried for nearly an hour and a half straight. I feel better to let everything out. I am actually pretty whimpy deep down and once you really know me and get past the hard ass in me. The drive with the sound of the engine, exhaust and wind with the windows down and ts off and the power of an F Body with some work done at the foot felt great. Just got a long stretch of open road and just opened it all the way. For those on Long Island we went to the pine barren region on 27. The scenery and fresh air helped to.

I'm sorry to hear ab your loss. I'm here to talk/listen if you want. I'm on aim and my PM box is always open. I know what you feel like, and its hard but things'll get better. Just gotta look on the up side

i feel for you, i saw my frind jump off a building and was powerless to stop him. it still haunts me