No respect or understanding.

Have you ever known someone who, though they appear to care on the outside, do not care whatsoever underneath? My boss is like this and it aggrevates me to death.

Here's why:

I'm sure many of you remember the piss-post from a while back with my and my cousin (Z28Josh) when he and I said "we'll never drink again." I said that simply because I didn't remember a damn thing from that night save one. I remember sitting by that toilet in the picture praying, for everyone who was drinking except for myself, hoping that they would be safe over myself. I was wishing that they would be void of any harm before I hoped for myself to be safe. I wished death upon myself before anything of the sort would happen to anyone whom I was close to or cared about.

That being said, do you know what happened tonight? ( I'm still coming down off of my drunken stuper) I apprently said something that my boss, who is 19, didn't like, and he said "shouldn't there be some praying going on?" And it hit me. Even drunk, it hit me. I can't believe I care about someone who even himself doesn't care a wink. But do you know what? I do. I don't know why, but I still care about his well-being even when he treats me like shit. I was talking to Dave (Toksin) and said this about how I'm feeling right now:

OoToksinoO: shrug it off
OoToksinoO: or tell him to get fucked and get another job
J Swigz: nah
J Swigz: I'm leaving in a month for school
J Swigz: I'll still pray for him
J Swigz: and care
J Swigz: but other than
J Swigz: tha
J Swigz: t
J Swigz: I don'
J Swigz: t
J Swigz: think I should be part of his life
OoToksinoO: read this
OoToksinoO: tell me what you think
OoToksinoO: fuck
OoToksinoO: whats your email address?
J Swigz: J_Swigz@yahoo.com
OoToksinoO: sent
J Swigz: gracias amigo
J Swigz: dude
J Swigz: It sucks that it takes me to be drunk to understand a glimpes of how I feeld
J Swigz: feel*
OoToksinoO: we always find clarity in a bottle
J Swigz: It's like everyone sees the face I show them when in truth the face I have is the one that renders pain and struggle
J Swigz: no one understands, and it's so aggrevating
J Swigz: You know they walk around like everything is well, when nothing is well whatsoever?
J Swigz: it's like a horse with blinders running a race along a track that runs for an infintesimal distance
J Swigz: it only sees what it thinks it must and nothing more
J Swigz: and nothing less
J Swigz: I feel so sorry for these people
J Swigz: and almost responsible that, though try as I may, they cannot realize they falseness of the world and lie in which they live
J Swigz: human beings weren't meant to be this way.
J Swigz: We were meant to live our lives full of love, and to enjoy what comes to use
J Swigz: us/*
J Swigz: not to take for granted the very being that we are and everything we have surrounding us, no matter how small
J Swigz: we have so much yet we realize nothing of this
J Swigz: it's like we've built a ten foot box around ourselves, keeping us from seeing the 10 billion plus acres of wonder that we were originally meant to see
J Swigz: It's a wonder that God himself allows it. I almost wish he would return to Earth and take those who have at least a glimpse of understanding back to what is deserving
J Swigz: I suppose that is what shows his love in the first place
J Swigz: the fact that he knows all that is going on, even this, and allows life to continue.
J Swigz: That is true love.
J Swigz: That is love in its purest form.
J Swigz: and never will it be matched
J Swigz: /end rant
OoToksinoO: free will.
J Swigz: If only people knew
OoToksinoO: i dont understand why people want to trudge along in their little tunnels
OoToksinoO: not seeing the big picture
OoToksinoO: tehres so much to see, isnt there
J Swigz: many have no idea
J Swigz: it saddens me
J Swigz: I have so much that I wish to see
J Swigz: and that I wish others to see
J Swigz: but because of the society outside, which tells me I don't have enough money or brains or whatever, I am shunned.
OoToksinoO: question
OoToksinoO: why does your government continue to feed the fear?
J Swigz: because they are full of fear themselves
OoToksinoO: control the populous
J Swigz: they are more afraid than anyone and are afraid to admit it
J Swigz: but if they appear afraid, then all hope (or seemingly so) is lost
OoToksinoO: put a gun to my head, and paint the walls with my brain
J Swigz: why>
J Swigz: ?
OoToksinoO: eh, random muttering
J Swigz: I gotcha
OoToksinoO: come to nz
J Swigz: I can't man. Not now at least
J Swigz: Something is keeping me here, and when I'm done here I'll know
J Swigz: But I can't leave yet
J Swigz: Careless as they may be, they still need to be cared for
J Swigz: if that makes any sense
OoToksinoO: my door's always open
OoToksinoO: you're a better man than i am
OoToksinoO: id have given up on them by now
J Swigz: nah. You're a good guy no matter what anyone says
J Swigz: a lesser person would have stopped listening
OoToksinoO: i try to be someone who listens
OoToksinoO: instead of just waiting for my turn to speak
J Swigz: you are who you are
J Swigz: nothing changes what was meant to be
OoToksinoO: was just thinking about waht you said about love
OoToksinoO: loving someone, or being in love with them
OoToksinoO: when do you know the difference?
J Swigz: I don't think it's something you know
J Swigz: I think it's something that hits you when you least expect it
J Swigz: If you expect something you'll miss it completely


I know some of you may think "Oh, it's a religious thing, not stress" but it is stress, and I deal with this everyday. I'm tired of it, but I deal with it nonetheless. And, you know what? I think it's part of what I'm here for. Like, I want to leave everything behind, but I can't because something's telling me I need to stay.

I don't know. Take from this what you will, I just needed to get it off my chest.

I suppose part of the problem is the large communities we live in that create a sense of anonymity. We're gregarious creatures, but to live in cities where there are millions of people is, for lack of a better word, overkill. A lot of people don't care about the people they encounter because chances are they will never interact with them ever again. That's why I moved out of the city.

Keep in mind that although it seems everyone does not show any concern for you, that does not mean that it's true. It's easy to just say "fuck them", but it's much more difficult to do what your doing. I have great respect for that.

J Swigz: You know they walk around like everything is well, when nothing is well whatsoever

J Swigz: I feel so sorry for these people

J Swigz: human beings weren't meant to be this way.

J Swigz: It's a wonder that God himself allows it. I almost wish he would return to Earth and take those who have at least a glimpse of understanding back to what is deserving



This is why I prefer Buddhism/Taoism. There is an understanding of the common bond between people and nature, but no specific need to reform, judge or otherwise save them.

-"Well" is a relative term
-Most people don't want/need pity
-Human beings have free will . Who says which way they were meant to be?
-"Understanding" is subject to interpretation. Your views seems centered around your religion.

That being said, I believe your intentions good and your aim is noble. If more people had the capacity to care about humanity, the world would be a better place. But not all people share your views or even have the will/ability to understand them- and it is not worth the stress you are causing yourself. I am not saying you should give up on people by any means...

Your post reminded me of this quote by K'ung fu-Tzu:
"As for humanity, if you want to make a stand, help others make a stand. If you want to reach your goal, help others reach their goal. Consider yourself and treat others accordingly: this is the method of humanity."

Your views seems centered around your religion.


I understand what you are saying. You'll have to keep in mind that I was still a bit drunk when I wrote that. Well...more than a bit, but yeah.

I don't expect people to believe things the same way as me, and If anyone takes it that way from how my post is written, I apologize. That was just my own interpretation on things at that given moment. I'm not saying it's right or anything like that, and don't expect anyone to believe it if they don't wish to.

Try not to take everything to heart..

Take in what is useful and disregard what is not..

I seem to be going through the same thing as you Jon, only with friends. I've been asked by a few what lengths I would go to to save one of them, and immediately responded with "I would take a bullet or worse", but when asked to them, it required thinking to figure it out.

As I'm typing this, one of those friends is too busy with her boyfriend, who is 22, while she's only 16. It pisses me off to think about it because she's 300 miles away, and I can't do a damn thing about it.

To start the story off, my grandpa died within a few days of today last year. I didn't talk to anybody for about a month afterwards except for her. Years ago, her dad was killed in a car accident, and just 2 years ago, she moved from Houston to San Antonio. Around the beginning of May, she told me that her grandpa, who lives maybe a mile away from me, was dying of pancreatic cancer and only had 3 months to live at the most. I would e-mail her and call her maybe once a week, and talk on AIM almost every day. In those conversations, I'd ask how her grandpa was doing. Everything between me and her was fine until the beginning of July, and then shit started to unravel. The e-mails I would send her went unanswered and eventually she just stopped talking to me altogether. In case you can't tell, I really care about her, especially since I can relate to a lot of stuff she says.

In the past few days, she's ignored phone calls, e-mails, and even a trip to where she was staying when was visiting here. It's really pissing me off, because she's always listened to what I had to say, she never ignored me, and she would always be there when I just needed someone to talk to. And now that I've been trying to do the same for her, it just backfires and blows up right in my face. I know that one day, she's going to wish she hadn't ignored me and pulled this bullshit, because if this goes on for much longer I'm going to get really damn mad and tell her everything that needs to be said, no holding back. It just seems like everything I try to do fails miserably, and turns out to be a waste of my time. If it does go on much longer, I'll have wasted almost 6 years of my life playing bullshit little games and believing lies. If you could only see how mad I am right now, you would understand more.

It might seem petty at the moment, but it's really tearing me apart and killing me inside.

Ay, so this is what occured after I got off. Sorry I left, would have been good to talk to you since it's something I wonder occasionally too. It's us man, it's who we are and the best thing you can hope for is that you actually don't change.

There are very few people who can hold true to their own beliefs. Yes, you slip somewhere along the line, but you still have a grip. It's a true sign as who we are, sinners.

I know what ya mean too by being here for that. I feel the same way occasionally as I play psycho-therapist to half my class mates. The thing to remember is this, don't forget who you are and continue no matter what 'cause He wouldn't give you anymore than you can handle or else He'd be wrong and He's not.

I don't want to get into the details of y'alls convo, that's not the deal, but i hope that helps. Ya know you can IM me or e-mail man. Good luck, I'll pray for ya and apparently your boss who needs it. :) :thumbsup: