another joke thread

some jokes I got in various emails:

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his
life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe
told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he
did.

But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I
thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.

"Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve. "And
I was when the bear attacked me... but when the two
chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we
eat them or take them with us,' I screamed."
----------------------

A little farm boy was walking to the school bus one
morning when he began kicking farm animals. First he
kicked a pig. Then he kicked a chicken. Lastly he
kicked a cow.

His mother, watching from the kitchen window decided
she would handle the situation after he returned from
school. When he comes home from school, his mother
confronts him and says "I seen you this morning
kicking those farm animals. since you kicked a pig you
get no pork products for a week. Since you kicked a
chicken you get no eggs for a week. Since you kicked a
cow, you get no beef products for a week. Now go wait
for your father and tell him what you have done. "

The young boy goes and waits for his father. When his
father comes home from a long day of work he is so mad
he kicks the cat across the front yard. The boy looks
to his mother and says "You wanna tell him no pussy or
do you want me to?"
--------------------

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting
close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the
Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The seamstress replied
that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making a living for the two of them. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty
and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home
happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her
husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the
river. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson." The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
----------------------

Two Italian virgins get married and go on their
honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there
supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The
newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some
advice on what to do.

The mother says that they should sit on the bed
together and snuggle with each other and things should
start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do
this but nothing else happens.

He calls his mother back to find out what to do next.
She says they should take their clothes off, get under
the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course.
The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still
nothing.

He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated
with the situation she says, "Listen, just take the
biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest
thing!" and hangs up on him.

A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother
back, "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I
do next?"

:lol: no bad :thumbsup:

oh MAN that last one is disgusting........ ugh


i liked the hunting one though :lol:

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
I know for a fact that this is not true. :mad:

The last one was gross and the first one was hilarious. :lol:

:lol: good ones

I know for a fact that this is not true. :mad:

The last one was gross and the first one was hilarious. :lol:


Youre right... its not true IMO, just a direct copy from an email I recieved earlier this week

I got a joke:

What did the Civic driver say to the guy that crashed into him?




Thanks. :iceslolan