Suicide... not an option

This post is long, and may be disturbing to some people. It is cheaper for me than phsychiatry and helps me deal with the situation.

What the hell possesses someone to contemplate suicide? How shitty can your life possibly be that it becomes an option? Should it even be your decision?

Someone who is VERY close to me decided to leave a message on my answering machine last Tuesday. My answering machine!!!! What kind of twisted frame of mind do you have to be in to leave a suicide note on someones anwering machine?!

The opening statement was "I've decided to leave" like they were taking a trip somewhere.... WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!!!

Let me elaborate a little. Last weekend was my brothers wedding. My wife (not married, I just call her that) and I pack up and go 8 hrs away to participate in the wedding. I was the best man. So we went a few days early to make sure that everything went off without a hitch.... and it did, for the most part. It was a wonderful weekend filled with hopefull expectations and joyous spirits. The ceremony was well done, the bride and groom handled themselves perfectly, the guests were all very delighted with the entire experience. Then, there was the reception. We sat down to have dinner. Everything in its place, the service was flawless and everyone was enjoying themselves. The floor was opened for people to give their "advice" to the bride and groom, and then the wedding party made their individual speeches.

Ahhh, the speeches. Each one lasting as long as possible. The best man(me), then the brides maid, the father of the bride, the bride herself, who thanked everyone under the sun, and finally, the groom whose speech was extremely short, to the point, and inperceptibly well said.... except for for one thing.... one very important thing.... But I'll get to that in a minute.

You may be asking, what about the grooms father or mother? What about their speech? Well, dad wasn't invited. That poor bastard isn't even aware that his first born is now married. Kinda sad, isn't it? I'll save the details of what caused that for the next time I feel the need to vent.

Mom was there, she travelled even further than I did to get there, rented a car because she didn't want to go up as early as I, spent a shitload of money on a hotel room, not to mention a wedding gift, and all the other unforseen expenses of travel. All of this on a disability pension that barely keeps her fed, and is currently in jeopardy of being revoked. Again, I'll spare the unpleasantries of that situation also...

She did all of this to be shit on. Not one word was mentioned of her the entire time. The documents from the ceremony were handed to my grandmother to care for, which was to say the least, insulting. The bride had thanked her parents for doing such glorious things for her as a child, the groom had done the same.... thanking HER parents.... not his own. He could have said something to remotely acknowledge his mothers presense, you know, thanks for giving birth to me, thanks for moving us to the area where I met my lovely wife.... something..... even if he has resent for her.

I looked over to the table where my mom was sitting, and saw her break into tears... it was heartbreaking. But I couldn't do anything about it. What to do? Start a brawl right there on the spot? No. I decided that I would assure my mother that she did a wonderful job as a mother (while we were living with her) and that she did nothing wrong. She did the best she could with the tools she had. I would attempt to pick up the pieces later.

The worst part was that nobody noticed, at least, no-one let on that they did. The dinner ended shortly afterward and the new couple danced their first song as husband and wife. Halfway through the dance, I noticed mom and her beau on their way out the door. I again said what I could to smooth things over, " 'To err is human, to forgive devine.' He is only human mom, he'll come around. Try to be the better person." (I know, not the best, I tried) but to no avail. Mom was leaving.

Now flash forward to Tuesday morning. I wake up to hear a voice on the phone, saying something about leaving, it was hard to make out amongst the fog over me and the sobbing on the machine.

She suffers from multiple sclerosis which ensures constant pain, has trouble remembering where she put her teeth, let alone trying to make sense of daily life, has no true friends, is fighting with the government, and barely scrapes by on a daily basis. Now she has come to find out that her own son could give two shits for his mother after she raised us on her own, working more than two jobs at a time (before MS) along with a delinquent boy who was in and out of juvy between the ages of 14-17 (me). I guess the wedding was the straw that broke the camels' back. A parent dreams of that day to prove to the world that their offspring is well prepared for a family of their own. All she came away with was, "What did I do wrong" I can't say as I blame her for thinking of ending it.... I just have trouble accepting it.

I can understand dying of old age, from a disease, a fiery wreck on the freeway, even a fucking plane droping into a house. But I don't and can't comprehend how someone has the right to decide when to go. That's not a decision for a person to make. It's not an option. Nature, or a higher power has that right. Period.

I ended up bombing down to her house as fast as I could, to slap her in the face and tell her to wake up. I managed to drill it into her head that she can't do this. She will not do this. I can't accept it. Not like that.
And she understood, I hope so anyway. I'm not looking forward to another message like that again.

I hope that this never happens again. I'm going to be the family mediator... again... and get them to talk about their actions. Could you imagine how damaging this could have been? My brother coming home from his honeymoon to find a message on his machine saying that his mother is gone? Because of what wasn't said? He will get that message, because she phoned him too, and her mother, but right after hearing it there will be a message from his brother saying that the crisis has been averted, and to call me right away so that things get dealt with. All this will do is reasure him that his mother is twisted, and drive them further apart. The whole situation has made me step back and look at things differently, but this is my family, what's left of it.... It's my job to love them, no matter how fucked up they are.

Maybe this posting this here will help others to realize how fortunate they are. Others can maybe relate, and know that they are not alone in dealing with messed up family affairs. Hell, some people may even get a laugh out of it. I'm not the only weirdo out there, and I won't be the last.

Either way, this may very well be the most disturbing thread written on this forum. I sure a hell would think it was if I just read it for the first time.

If it is deemed inappropriate, delete it.

I just can't think of a better way of getting this off my chest. It's easier to tell this to people that I will never see, and get their input, than it is to tell someone who I can meet up with face to face, and belittle me for it.

-Bry

Sometimes, when people leave notes and messages, they are just asking for someone to help them, come and talk to them, and make them feel better. Its a cry for help. Im sure someone will try to disagree with me, but you did the right thing by going to her as fast as you could

Also theres that arguement that people with terminal illnesses make that they should have the right to die. Everyone has that opinion of should it be legal or not. Fact is, when you have something that has no cure and the outcome is death, I can see why they would want to end it. Dying with Something like MS or Lou Gerghs (SP?) is painful and hard to watch.

Wanting to die painlessly is the most thought about wish a terminally ill person has. They dont want to have to suffer through strokes and tremors and othe bad things.

Just something to consider in the future. These people also sometimes just need to hear that they are loved and needed. Sometimes a good hand holding session is all they wanted.

I think it's terribly unfair of her to involve you in such a manner as this, but I suppose it's a good thing she did. You are handling things maturely, wheras he is most certainly not. Part of being a man in having some compassion and forgiveness. One can only hope he realizes the value of family, regardless of circumstance, before it's too late, eh?

Hmm, ok, Bry. Somethings are best left unsaid to the public. I can't understand how you feel because I've never been in such a situation.

All I can say is, that it's fucked up. I'd bitch slap your brother back and forth when he gets back from his hunny moon. If my brother didn't thank my mum, I'd move him over to the side to tell him a fucking spoilt little no-remorse fuck he is, and I'd excuse my self, and leave. In front of everyone.

There is just some shit that's down-right not tollerable, and that's one of them.


*ed*

That's a very sad story.

I hope I don't offend you here, and please don't take it out of context, but that would make a kick ass book theme, hell, even a cool movie theme.

Plot: Two brothers growing up with a single mother, who holds two jobs. One child is a juvy kid who is always in trouble, the other is much the opposite. Mother, struggling with MS (not yet discovered) is trying to keep food on the table, and make ends meet. As the brothers grow up, the good one gets married, and fails to thank his mother for her hard work.


..ok, it'll be a bit more complicated than that.

hey, we should have a AF movie.

I'll bet he was looking for a little more out of this post than a movie plot :nono:

anyways I'm really sorry to hear that. I totally feel for you and I hope things are better in the future.

Thats what this forum is for. vent as you wish.
i know i am a lucky guy to have a great family, there was never any doubt about that.

i must compliment and tell you that you can certainly organize your thoughts well and write very well. hope all works out.

As Kitted say, let it out here if you can't figure out who else to talk to. That would be the scariest thing to have happen. I don't know if I could have reacted as rationally as you. Best to you.

Kudos to you for doing the right thing.

Definitely have a sit down with your brother, and or your mother. Communication is the best step to take in these matters, without talking things through some would do drastic steps that will hurt themselves and affect others whether they believe it or not. Living with any type of debiliating desease is not easy. Whether its MS, cancer, athritits, alzheimers, etc. It restricts the person from doing what most take for granted. Some are ashamed to ask for help or are afraid that the people they ask for help won't help at all. They feel isolated, confined, they lose their faith in life, people, god etc. At times its just a simple thing as a thank you, or I love you, or let me do that for you that helps. When there is no one around to tell you those things or help you out it starts to eat you up inside. In your moms case, she raised you both through the good and the bad yet you both came out okay. She has done a great job at it and to have her son not acknowledge it even the slightest bit plus the fact that she has no one (friends, husband) to turn too, plus her MS is alot to take. She does need medical help not only for her MS condition but also to stabilize her back to good mental health. To realise that there are people in this world that love her. That she has to realize that her leaving like that would affect many people.

Would it be to much to take her in, into your home to take care of her? At least for the time being. Are their any senior / MS/ centers that she can go to to start interacting with others.

I wish you the best in this difficult time. Keep strong and Keep us posted.
TS out

okay....first, slap your brother around for being a jerk....
second....If she took care of you & raised you so you could have a life...why not give back to her? Take her into your home and let her at least try to enjoy what's left of her life... I can't imagine leaving my mother in such depression and especially if she's sick and come to vent and complain about life on a public forum. . . if you care for her so much and can't even think of the fact she might take her life away...HELP HER...and not by slapping her around and telling her that suicide is not an option.... show her that she can still have a life & has at least ONE son that cares for her.

Thanks for the comments guys,

I would take her in, but she wouldn't come here anyway. She does have a boyfriend that cares for her, and does a great job for her physical needs, but he's old school and has trouble talking things through. I end up being a mediator for them too. He's the kind of person who wants to crush problems down with his hands. If he can't do it that way, he can't seem to deal with it. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy and loves her very much, also the best father figure in my life.... He's just, well, a bull.

And this also goes back to their fight with the government, among the other problems that they have. I am helping them as much as possible with that, taking care of paper work, researching, helping to put things in order, and most of all, moral support. I do what I can, when I can. Whatever I can do to help is done. I'm afraid to move away because I'm the only family left to support her.

I'll agree that this was mostly a cry for help, but what more can I do for her? It's hard to draw a line between her pride and dignity, and a need for help. This woman is 4' 10" and back in the day could take down a hippo if she felt the need to. How do you tell someone like that what to do?

For the record, I didn't slap her and tell her to wake up. She's never raised a hand to me, well, ok, once. There's no way in hell anyone can do that to her while I'm around. I sure felt like doing that though... I talked her down, reassured her of her place in life, etc.

I'll finish my train of thought later on tonite, I just realized that I have to get my ass to work.....

Thanks again,
-Bry

Bry,
Sorry to hear about your troubles and I hope everything works out okay. But I may be wrong but from personal experience it can be quite easy to become suicidal especially when the emotional and stress level has been past. You basically begin to feel that everyone is out to get you and hates you and so on. I have been there myself but luckily I came across a friend who was able to work her way into my head. Now from personal experience I have been to suicide calls where the police negotiator didn't work. Why because most probably hasn't been there or know exactly what is going threw the person's mind. I have gone in and used my personal experience and everytime but once(unfortunately) it worked. Guilt is another part as well. After that already being highly stressed emotionally and physically I had felt as if I had done something terrible. I am not going to go on because this would be a really long post. My advice to you is to do all you can and when she thinks of it she will hopefully come to her senses to realize that she has a good b/f and mostly a good family. As for your brother put a boot in his ass. As for moving your mother into your home. Perhaps you can take her b/f into or get him set up someplace near-bye? This is the forum to vent. It is better to release it on here then hold it in.

All the posts in this thread are excellent; very good advice.
After reading threads like this, I am proud of the people at AF.
Suicide is, IMHO the last taboo subject. No one likes to talk about it, and sadly, suicide among the elderly or infirm is far more common than is generally recognised.
Mature, open discussion is the start. It is difficult for other family members, but don't feel inhibited about addressing the discussion head on. I had a similar discussion with my dad (he's 73) just last week end. It was a revilation to me, how he felt about life and death, but discussion is much, much better than silence.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When I was 16 I was going to commit suicide. I brought my pistol with me to school and had planned on doing it after school that day. I left a letter in my friends locker who I knew was at home sick that day. She came to school and found it when she got her homework from being sick. I don't know why I did it at the time. But like said above it was a cry for help. I just did it at the time because of whatever. She got the cops involved and I was arrested needless to say. Anyways point is I was made to realize that no matter how bad things got they will always get better, if they don't it's not over yet. It just isn't worth it.

^^^ You guys are awesome... many thanks for the different points of view.

The relationship I have with my mother is very open. It seems that I am her best friend, and she has always been very forthcoming with every aspect of her life. She has spoken about dying on many an occasion, however I didn't think that she meant it to be this soon. When I look back on those conversations, I can't believe that I missed what she was getting at. I mean come on, how many of your parents have spoken to you about passing on at a young age? It blows me away. But I'm dealing with this whole ball of wax as it forms, and am slowly navigating my way through it.

I still feel like a kid sometimes.... I don't really want all of this responsibility, and I've told her that I don't know if I can handle it. How can I make decisions concerning her life when I have sleepless nights concerning my own? I mention this because she has recently given me power of attourney over her affairs.... and quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me. Especially when it involves a disabled individual with very specific needs. Basically it allows me to say what she can and can't do with her home, money, and just about every other aspect of her life. It weighs on me the decision of if or when to place her in a seniors' home.

Wow, I haven't whined this much since I was 4 years old.... that's why I'm talking to strangers, and not my close friends. My wife doesn't even know about this whole situation..... I'd much rather keep it that way too. The last thing I need is people asking me how I feel every damned day.

Once again, many thanks.

-Bry

Actully I think suicide is a great thing!

Any pedos, rapists or facists out there? Try it! It's fantastic!

Done? Good!


Okay now they're dead! You other guys... Don't do it. It's very bad.

But to be serious for a minute. burnM I can relate a little to your story... Although it's nowhere near as bad as what you've been/gone through. My mum also has MS and has a daughter that doesn't care as much as maybe she should.

I can't offer any gems of wisdom other than keep on truckin'. Godspeed.

Actully I think suicide is a great thing!

Any pedos, rapists or facists out there? Try it! It's fantastic!

Done? Good!


Okay now they're dead! You other guys... Don't do it. It's very bad.

But to be serious for a minute. burnM I can relate a little to your story... Although it's nowhere near as bad as what you've been/gone through. My mum also has MS and has a daughter that doesn't care as much as maybe she should.

I can't offer any gems of wisdom other than keep on truckin'. Godspeed.
Well put :lol:


I shouldn't laugh at suicide though, it simply isn't an option. I've never thought suicidally, so I can't really relate to why one must decide to do that, but seriously, why do it?

I feel sorry for people who want to, and do kill them selves
As far as I'm concerned, their arrogance ended their lives, not their depression. It's their blind faith that they can't be saved that leads them to the conclusion that life isn't worth it.
These people don't just need help, they need a fucking beating and a trip to Disneyland, and shown that there is no such thing as help, but a realisation that there is more to life than wollowing in their own self pitty.

I'm sorry if I have upset a few people, but I know people who have attempted suicide, and I know of one person that I was friends with for a few years as a child who killed him self a few years ago.


I also feel the same for Drug Addicts and Alcoholics.

The relationship I have with my mother is very open......

Keep the channels open. Discuss, sob,confide, console. Talk with your brother, even if he feels what he feels. Sorry about the situation.

Keep in mind, nomatter how much you may love one person, you can not hold their hand forever. There are some things which one does not have control of. Whether the events or horrific or joyfull.

Definatley, talk with a proffesional concerning not just yourself, but that of your mother.

Hope things work out. Stay Strong!!