Jokes
Hyatus
07-14-2004, 05:04 PM
Some of these are good but the best one is secand to last if u want to skip to it....................
__________________________________________________ __________
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a forest ranger in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and ays, Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to ake you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the ranger.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
__________________________________________________ ___
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to and orientation.
They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.!
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear the say, ‘Look, he’s moving!”
__________________________________________________ __________
A guy is walking from the elevator to his room in Las Vegas hotel. He sees a blonde at the Coke machine. She is repeatedly putting in coins and pressing a button on the machine. Each time, as a bottle of Coke comes down the chute, she jumps up & Down, squealing with excitement.
The guy stops her and asks, “Excuse me, can you tell me what you are doing?”
The blonde replies, “Like, duhhh…I’m WINNING!”
__________________________________________________ __________
A friend just returned from a holiday ski trip to Colorado where the conditions were perfect -- 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, and a "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off into the woods. "No one would ever notice," he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage. So, she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing.
If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to "set" your skis so you don't move. Yup, you've got it. She had them positioned wrong. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backward, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for other skiers.
The woman skied, if you use the term loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her embarrassment, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to the hospital.
In the emergency room, she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked ... making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up the ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes, and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the ski lift! -- So, how'd you break your arm?"
__________________________________________________ __________
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
__________________________________________________ _________
BEST ONE EVER!!!!
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
__________________________________________________ __________
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his
drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,
breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling
calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats,
working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think
about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women
when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
__________________________________________________ __________
The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a forest ranger in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and ays, Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to ake you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the ranger.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
__________________________________________________ ___
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to and orientation.
They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.!
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear the say, ‘Look, he’s moving!”
__________________________________________________ __________
A guy is walking from the elevator to his room in Las Vegas hotel. He sees a blonde at the Coke machine. She is repeatedly putting in coins and pressing a button on the machine. Each time, as a bottle of Coke comes down the chute, she jumps up & Down, squealing with excitement.
The guy stops her and asks, “Excuse me, can you tell me what you are doing?”
The blonde replies, “Like, duhhh…I’m WINNING!”
__________________________________________________ __________
A friend just returned from a holiday ski trip to Colorado where the conditions were perfect -- 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, and a "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off into the woods. "No one would ever notice," he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage. So, she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing.
If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to "set" your skis so you don't move. Yup, you've got it. She had them positioned wrong. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backward, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for other skiers.
The woman skied, if you use the term loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her embarrassment, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to the hospital.
In the emergency room, she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked ... making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up the ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes, and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the ski lift! -- So, how'd you break your arm?"
__________________________________________________ __________
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
__________________________________________________ _________
BEST ONE EVER!!!!
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
__________________________________________________ __________
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his
drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life,
breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling
calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats,
working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon
as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think
about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women
when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and
asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
primera man
07-14-2004, 05:12 PM
"You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
__________________________________________________ __________
."
:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: ...classic
__________________________________________________ __________
."
:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: ...classic
FireBball972
07-14-2004, 05:41 PM
that superman one = repost
still, its really funny :lol:
still, its really funny :lol:
iranintoavan
07-14-2004, 06:50 PM
Haha, that superman was the best :lol2: :lol2:
Jm93
07-14-2004, 11:07 PM
i like the lesbian cowboy lol
Oz
07-14-2004, 11:26 PM
:lol:
psychobadboy
07-14-2004, 11:48 PM
Loved the superman one :lol2:
Damien
07-14-2004, 11:51 PM
Last two were the best but I had to hold the laughter in more on the superman one!!! :lol2: :lol2:
Raz_Kaz
07-15-2004, 09:48 AM
:lol2: Super Man is really an asshole now isnt he?
ghostguy6
07-15-2004, 11:12 AM
:lol2:
lordvektra
07-15-2004, 12:34 PM
HAHA read most of those but they were all good
oddsodz
07-15-2004, 01:21 PM
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back
streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it gets closer to dusk the
increasing darkness makes one of the girls a little nervous.
She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this
way before."
"I know, it's the cobblestones."
streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it gets closer to dusk the
increasing darkness makes one of the girls a little nervous.
She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this
way before."
"I know, it's the cobblestones."
oddsodz
07-15-2004, 01:23 PM
Six presidents on a sinking ship:
Ford "What do we do?"
Bush "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan “What lifeboats?"
Carter "Women First!"
Nixon "Screw the women!"
Clinton "Do you think we have time?"
Ford "What do we do?"
Bush "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan “What lifeboats?"
Carter "Women First!"
Nixon "Screw the women!"
Clinton "Do you think we have time?"
twospirits
07-15-2004, 01:56 PM
The cowboy and superman one were good. :lol:
Damien
07-15-2004, 04:26 PM
Hey, a newbie had a good one! :rofl:
Hyatus
07-15-2004, 05:04 PM
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back
streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it gets closer to dusk the
increasing darkness makes one of the girls a little nervous.
She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this
way before."
"I know, it's the cobblestones."
its why girls ride horses too, they like to hump stuff.
streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it gets closer to dusk the
increasing darkness makes one of the girls a little nervous.
She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this
way before."
"I know, it's the cobblestones."
its why girls ride horses too, they like to hump stuff.
RSX-S777
07-15-2004, 05:54 PM
Six presidents on a sinking ship:
Ford "What do we do?"
Bush "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan “What lifeboats?"
Carter "Women First!"
Nixon "Screw the women!"
Clinton "Do you think we have time?"
Beautiful :lol:
Ford "What do we do?"
Bush "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan “What lifeboats?"
Carter "Women First!"
Nixon "Screw the women!"
Clinton "Do you think we have time?"
Beautiful :lol:
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