j0kes
Oz
07-06-2004, 12:44 AM
Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.
He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, ''Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy. I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.''
Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied, ''Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side. I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.''
''That, too, is horrible,'' said the gate keeper. Then he asked the third man the same question.
His reply was, ''OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator...''
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
A boy awoke and wanted breakfast, so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today."
So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry.
His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk. And I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over their cat, kicking the cat in the process.
The boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"
A man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, I'm having trouble with my hearing".
"What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.
The man replies, "A yellow TV cartoon family".
A man goes to the doctor and say's
I've got a cricket ball stuck up my ar$e
How's that asked the doctor?
The man reply's. Don't you start!!
Doc say's to his patient 'You've got 3 minutes to live!!'
'Sh1te Doc, what can you do for me?'
'How about a soft boiled egg?'
Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"
The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."
The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.
"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"
"No...it's turned black."
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them
to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy large breasted woman danced and pranced
before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were
told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would
not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no
reaction from his bell.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests and their bells until she came to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to twitch and ring so loudly that it
flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a
few steps
forward and bent over to pick up the bell.
And then, all at once, the other bells started to ring...
He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, ''Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy. I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.''
Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied, ''Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side. I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.''
''That, too, is horrible,'' said the gate keeper. Then he asked the third man the same question.
His reply was, ''OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator...''
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
A boy awoke and wanted breakfast, so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today."
So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry.
His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you're not getting any eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so you're not getting any milk. And I saw kick the pig, so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over their cat, kicking the cat in the process.
The boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"
A man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, I'm having trouble with my hearing".
"What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.
The man replies, "A yellow TV cartoon family".
A man goes to the doctor and say's
I've got a cricket ball stuck up my ar$e
How's that asked the doctor?
The man reply's. Don't you start!!
Doc say's to his patient 'You've got 3 minutes to live!!'
'Sh1te Doc, what can you do for me?'
'How about a soft boiled egg?'
Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"
The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."
The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.
"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"
"No...it's turned black."
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them
to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy large breasted woman danced and pranced
before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were
told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would
not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no
reaction from his bell.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the
priests and their bells until she came to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to twitch and ring so loudly that it
flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a
few steps
forward and bent over to pick up the bell.
And then, all at once, the other bells started to ring...
jcz1987
07-06-2004, 12:52 AM
LMAO! The second and the last were my favorite! :lol:
96Civ
07-06-2004, 12:57 AM
The priest one was good. :) Some of them I have heard before, but nice collection!
Hyatus
07-06-2004, 12:58 AM
the last one is the best LOL
iranintoavan
07-06-2004, 02:19 AM
the last one is the best LOL
:iagree: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:iagree: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
ShortyDTP
07-06-2004, 02:24 AM
:cwm27:...........:lol: 2nd was funny!!!lol 1+
Jimster
07-06-2004, 07:13 AM
funney.
tonioseven
07-06-2004, 09:35 AM
:spit: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: Thanks Oz!! :sunglasse :sunglasse :sunglasse
Raz_Kaz
07-06-2004, 10:40 AM
Now these were good!!!
:lol2:
So which preist passed the test?
:lol2:
So which preist passed the test?
psychobadboy
07-06-2004, 11:38 AM
Ha! Hilarious set of jokes :lol: :lol: :lol:
Damien
07-06-2004, 06:00 PM
The last was one was definitely the best!!! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Amigo1107
07-06-2004, 06:19 PM
very funny, the last one was the best though...
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