j0ke thread

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Darn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

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Just before a big rugby match a Pom walks into a pub with a little terrier dog, all dressed up in England colours, scarf and hat etc.
The bouncer says, "Sorry, but you'll have to take that dog outside. No animals in here."
Pom says, "Come on man, the match is just about to start and this dog is the biggest England supporter out. He'll go crazy unless we can see the game."
"Well, OK," says the bouncer, "but keep him under control, we don't want any trouble in there."

Well, the English team take the ball after the kick-off, maul and march up the paddock to the opposition 22, when the ref blows a penalty for England. Johnny Wilkinson lines up the kick, and of course it goes straight between the posts.

The dog goes wild, junping up and down, strutting up and down the bar, twirling his England scarf in the air and giving everybody high fives.
"That's amazing", says the barman, "I've never seen anything like it. What does he do when England score a try?"

"I dunno", says the Pom, "I've only had him three years."

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The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven.

She takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm proud to own them."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks the Queen the same question.

She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act, and gets in, and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "But a royal flush beats a pair any day."

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A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"

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A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

I like the second last one...the others werent funny at all

the second one was the only decent one, all the other ones didnt even make me smirk

the third one was hilarious....but then you probably have to be a rugby player to get it

and i posted the last one like a week ago

heh all of those were great :lol:

the last 2 were all worth it :lol:

^Amen!!! :rofl:

monkey one is best, lol

yeah, i liked the monkey one :lol: