Dirty Jokes...
chixSI
06-03-2004, 02:31 PM
At work bored as hell so what's more better to do then tell dirty jokes to pass the time by...so tell me some dirty jokes
Here's a few to get it started that i know...
Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear and the other is a fucking goodyear
Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.
Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave
A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat
Q: What do lesbians call viagra?
A: Batteries
Q: Whats the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne waits until you're 14 to cum on you're face
Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A: A quarter pounder with cheese
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a trapese artist?
A: One's got a cunning stunt...the other has a stunning cunt.
Q: What is the name of Moby Dicks father?
A: Poppa Boner
Q: How did the hilbilly find his daughter in the woods?
A: Pretty Good!
Q: Why is sperm white and piss yellow?
A: So you know if you're cumming or going
Here's a few to get it started that i know...
Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear and the other is a fucking goodyear
Q: Why did the snowman smile?
A: Because the snowblower is coming.
Q: What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave
A: A microwave doesn't brown your meat
Q: What do lesbians call viagra?
A: Batteries
Q: Whats the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne waits until you're 14 to cum on you're face
Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A: A quarter pounder with cheese
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a trapese artist?
A: One's got a cunning stunt...the other has a stunning cunt.
Q: What is the name of Moby Dicks father?
A: Poppa Boner
Q: How did the hilbilly find his daughter in the woods?
A: Pretty Good!
Q: Why is sperm white and piss yellow?
A: So you know if you're cumming or going
kittedb18bt
06-03-2004, 02:37 PM
the first one killed me.
ghostguy6
06-03-2004, 02:39 PM
lol those are good!
FireBball972
06-03-2004, 02:46 PM
those are good, lol :grinno: :rofl:
chaser29
06-03-2004, 03:01 PM
:naughty:
#1
This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy. He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car."
To which the kid replies, "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"
:grinno:
#2
The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night.
The farmer told him there was no vacant room. "I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."
:biggrin:
#3
A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"
Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob."
So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.
"Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries.
"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight."
:eek7:
Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?
Yes Johnny I'll take you in a minute
Can Granny take me?
Why?
Her hand shakes.
"Mommy, mommy, can I have cookies?"
"OK, but wash your hands first."
"But mommy, I don't have hands!"
"No hands, no cookies!"
"Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!"
"Shut up, we only have it once a month."
Enjoy.
#1
This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy. He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car."
To which the kid replies, "Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!"
:grinno:
#2
The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night.
The farmer told him there was no vacant room. "I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."
:biggrin:
#3
A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"
Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob."
So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.
"Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries.
"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight."
:eek7:
Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet?
Yes Johnny I'll take you in a minute
Can Granny take me?
Why?
Her hand shakes.
"Mommy, mommy, can I have cookies?"
"OK, but wash your hands first."
"But mommy, I don't have hands!"
"No hands, no cookies!"
"Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!"
"Shut up, we only have it once a month."
Enjoy.
kittedb18bt
06-03-2004, 03:36 PM
chaser, your second one was wrong!
chaser29
06-03-2004, 03:48 PM
I know :naughty:
A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"
Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob."
So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.
"Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries.
"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight."
OK PEOPLE::::: :smokin:
Answer the questions and rate yourselves....
JUST HOW DEMENTED ARE YOU? :screwy: :screwy: :screwy:
1. A telemarketer calls at dinner time.
a) After being tortured for five minutes you're able to make a feeble excuse to get off the phone.
b) You tell them you’re going to have to put them on hold and hang up.
c) You are glad they called because now you can have some fun with the voice changer phone and other sound effects gimmicks that you have hooked up to the phone. You proceed to torture the telemarketer and he ends up hanging up on you.
2. Alien beings visit the Earth and you are the first human they encounter.
a) You greet them and take them to government officials.
b) You immediately pose with them and take photos for a National Enquirer article.
c) You take the aliens to a nearby bowling alley to pull off the greatest intergalactic practical joke of all time.
3. You are at the mall and you see an old lady fall down. Mall security is already rendering assistance.
a) You move on so as not to be one of the gawkers.
b) You remark to a passerby: "I’ve fallen and I can’t get up".
c) You start rumors in the crowd that the lady is faking it for insurance, that you saw her out jogging earlier.
4. A family member insists they have seen a miraculous religious apparition.
a) You listen to them but don't say what you're thinking.
b) You mention that you would like to be cut in on any possible T-shirt deals.
c) You run down a long list of your own paranormal experiences including the UFO abduction, the Elvis sighting, and that time in the bank with the Japanese voices.
5. You attend the funeral of a friend.
a) You pay your respects in a dignified manner.
b) You limit yourself to cracking just a few jokes about the deceased so as to cheer people up.
c) Believing that your deceased friend would want you to do this, you bring your horrible list of 23 things to say at a funeral and proceed to torture everyone with the list.
6. You are introduced to a new employee at work.
a) You smile because you are a friendly person.
b) You smile because the person’s hair is all messed up.
c) You smirk and bite your tongue as you automatically think of four or five wisecracks associated with that person’s name, appearance, type of car they drive, and their predecessor with the company.
7. In polite company, an elderly person has an obvious problem with flatulence.
a) You ignore the problem like everyone else.
b) With a knowing smile and a wink, you ask the host to open a window.
c) You applaud and grade each occurrence on a scale of 1 to 10 and counter with loud fart sounds of your own. You make a mental note to remember to bring along a remote controlled fart machine next time.
8. It’s Saturday morning and the doorbell rings. Religious nuts have come to your house.
a) You get stuck talking with them.
b) You try to sell them a time share condo, newspaper subscription or at least a box of cookies from your kid’s school.
c) After showing them your surgical scars, you hard sell them on your selection of authentic saint’s relics and manuscripts of Ghengis Khan.
9. Your friend comes to you with a flyer to fill out and get money back from gasoline taxes. You have read about this and you know it is a hoax.
a) You advise them it is a hoax.
b) You encourage them to have it notarized and send it in.
c) You encourage them to have it notarized and send it in but first you make 50 copies.
10. You are in a discussion with a group of people and the topic of tragedies comes up, including the Challenger disaster and Princess Diana’s untimely death.
a) You agree that these are very tragic occurrences.
b) One or two sick jokes pop into your head but you don’t tell them.
c) Immediately you recall ten sick jokes and review them all to the group.
SCORING
1 point for each "a" answer
5 points for each "b" answer
10 points for each "c" answer
10 to 16 = Humor impaired, suffering from trickslexia.
17 to 50 = It’s a sick world and you’re a happy guy or gal.
51 to 100 = You are a demented, horrible person, but, what the heck, nobody’s perfect.
A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"
Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob."
So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.
"Your penis tastes like shit!" she cries.
"Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight."
OK PEOPLE::::: :smokin:
Answer the questions and rate yourselves....
JUST HOW DEMENTED ARE YOU? :screwy: :screwy: :screwy:
1. A telemarketer calls at dinner time.
a) After being tortured for five minutes you're able to make a feeble excuse to get off the phone.
b) You tell them you’re going to have to put them on hold and hang up.
c) You are glad they called because now you can have some fun with the voice changer phone and other sound effects gimmicks that you have hooked up to the phone. You proceed to torture the telemarketer and he ends up hanging up on you.
2. Alien beings visit the Earth and you are the first human they encounter.
a) You greet them and take them to government officials.
b) You immediately pose with them and take photos for a National Enquirer article.
c) You take the aliens to a nearby bowling alley to pull off the greatest intergalactic practical joke of all time.
3. You are at the mall and you see an old lady fall down. Mall security is already rendering assistance.
a) You move on so as not to be one of the gawkers.
b) You remark to a passerby: "I’ve fallen and I can’t get up".
c) You start rumors in the crowd that the lady is faking it for insurance, that you saw her out jogging earlier.
4. A family member insists they have seen a miraculous religious apparition.
a) You listen to them but don't say what you're thinking.
b) You mention that you would like to be cut in on any possible T-shirt deals.
c) You run down a long list of your own paranormal experiences including the UFO abduction, the Elvis sighting, and that time in the bank with the Japanese voices.
5. You attend the funeral of a friend.
a) You pay your respects in a dignified manner.
b) You limit yourself to cracking just a few jokes about the deceased so as to cheer people up.
c) Believing that your deceased friend would want you to do this, you bring your horrible list of 23 things to say at a funeral and proceed to torture everyone with the list.
6. You are introduced to a new employee at work.
a) You smile because you are a friendly person.
b) You smile because the person’s hair is all messed up.
c) You smirk and bite your tongue as you automatically think of four or five wisecracks associated with that person’s name, appearance, type of car they drive, and their predecessor with the company.
7. In polite company, an elderly person has an obvious problem with flatulence.
a) You ignore the problem like everyone else.
b) With a knowing smile and a wink, you ask the host to open a window.
c) You applaud and grade each occurrence on a scale of 1 to 10 and counter with loud fart sounds of your own. You make a mental note to remember to bring along a remote controlled fart machine next time.
8. It’s Saturday morning and the doorbell rings. Religious nuts have come to your house.
a) You get stuck talking with them.
b) You try to sell them a time share condo, newspaper subscription or at least a box of cookies from your kid’s school.
c) After showing them your surgical scars, you hard sell them on your selection of authentic saint’s relics and manuscripts of Ghengis Khan.
9. Your friend comes to you with a flyer to fill out and get money back from gasoline taxes. You have read about this and you know it is a hoax.
a) You advise them it is a hoax.
b) You encourage them to have it notarized and send it in.
c) You encourage them to have it notarized and send it in but first you make 50 copies.
10. You are in a discussion with a group of people and the topic of tragedies comes up, including the Challenger disaster and Princess Diana’s untimely death.
a) You agree that these are very tragic occurrences.
b) One or two sick jokes pop into your head but you don’t tell them.
c) Immediately you recall ten sick jokes and review them all to the group.
SCORING
1 point for each "a" answer
5 points for each "b" answer
10 points for each "c" answer
10 to 16 = Humor impaired, suffering from trickslexia.
17 to 50 = It’s a sick world and you’re a happy guy or gal.
51 to 100 = You are a demented, horrible person, but, what the heck, nobody’s perfect.
Damien
06-03-2004, 04:25 PM
That's a big area in which you acn be demented and horrible, I mean, my score was close enough to 100 *cough* 95 *cough* but still...
:p
:p
YogsVR4
06-03-2004, 04:54 PM
must..... escape.... this.... thread.....
RSX-S777
06-03-2004, 05:02 PM
Whats the difference between an onion and a prostitute?
Nobody cries when you chop up a prostitute...
Whats 15 inches long and makes women scream?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome...
Nobody cries when you chop up a prostitute...
Whats 15 inches long and makes women scream?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome...
MBTN
06-03-2004, 05:35 PM
OK, time for a REALLY BAD ONE.
What's good about showering with a 7 year old girl?
Pull her hair back and she's a 5 year old boy.
:eek:
What's good about showering with a 7 year old girl?
Pull her hair back and she's a 5 year old boy.
:eek:
Toksin
06-03-2004, 05:54 PM
Raz_Kaz
06-03-2004, 06:05 PM
LOL, damn, there are some real twisted people
KustmAce
06-03-2004, 06:18 PM
Whats 15 inches long and makes women scream?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome...
I hope this doesn't turn into another dead baby joke thread...
Wait up Daves!
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome...
I hope this doesn't turn into another dead baby joke thread...
Wait up Daves!
-GS-
06-03-2004, 06:29 PM
heh some of those were pretty funny.
tonioseven
06-03-2004, 06:59 PM
This thread sucks :lol::lol::lol: but some of it is very funny!:p
ghostguy6
06-04-2004, 09:41 AM
OK this is just getting wierd!
chixSI
06-04-2004, 10:18 AM
wow, this really did get weird. :eek7: i just wanted to hear some dirty jokes, not creepy, stupid, sad ones! DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY GOOD JOKES????
J SPEC SilEighty
06-10-2004, 03:16 PM
Karen512
06-10-2004, 03:27 PM
oohh, I got one........
What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half a cat!!
-----------------------
Whats the difference between a ferarri and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a ferarri in my garage!!
What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half a cat!!
-----------------------
Whats the difference between a ferarri and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a ferarri in my garage!!
psychobadboy
06-10-2004, 03:42 PM
Whats the difference between a ferarri and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a ferarri in my garage!!
Wow, more dead babies :disappoin...
I don't have a ferarri in my garage!!
Wow, more dead babies :disappoin...
Spyke^
06-10-2004, 04:03 PM
What's the best thing about screwing 29 year olds?
There's 20 of them.
Oh good jokes, right. Sorry no.
I do have a couple of these that you may find amusing though..
billyblacktop> yo yo yo, sup my niggas?
<jimmy2toes> your not black
<billyblacktop> how do you know that?
<jimmy2toes> I hacked your webcam, and now I can see you
<billyblacktop> yeah right you cant do that
<jimmy2toes> I can and I did.
<billyblacktop> ok then what color hair do I have
<jimmy2toes> Hmmm, let me zoom in a bit. Blonde, and you are white, about 6' 2", your room has an emenim poster and your bedspread is yellow and blue.
<billyblacktop> holy f**k man im telling the cops
Quits: {billyblacktop} (billyb-at-235.253.473.232) (Quit)
<jimmy2toes> LMAO, that was a friend of mine, I just set up his comp today, and showed him mirc, he doesnt know my nick, what a fat tool!!!
<nellcarterlookalike> A fat tool indeed.
And..
<Ben174> : If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when the bandwidth picks up after hours.
<ChrisLMB> : If any of my employees did that they'd be fired instantly.
<Ben174> : Where u work?
<ChrisLMB> : I'm the CEO at LowerMyBills.com
*** Ben174 (BenWright-at-TeraPro33-41.LowerMyBills.com) Quit (Leaving)
There's 20 of them.
Oh good jokes, right. Sorry no.
I do have a couple of these that you may find amusing though..
billyblacktop> yo yo yo, sup my niggas?
<jimmy2toes> your not black
<billyblacktop> how do you know that?
<jimmy2toes> I hacked your webcam, and now I can see you
<billyblacktop> yeah right you cant do that
<jimmy2toes> I can and I did.
<billyblacktop> ok then what color hair do I have
<jimmy2toes> Hmmm, let me zoom in a bit. Blonde, and you are white, about 6' 2", your room has an emenim poster and your bedspread is yellow and blue.
<billyblacktop> holy f**k man im telling the cops
Quits: {billyblacktop} (billyb-at-235.253.473.232) (Quit)
<jimmy2toes> LMAO, that was a friend of mine, I just set up his comp today, and showed him mirc, he doesnt know my nick, what a fat tool!!!
<nellcarterlookalike> A fat tool indeed.
And..
<Ben174> : If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when the bandwidth picks up after hours.
<ChrisLMB> : If any of my employees did that they'd be fired instantly.
<Ben174> : Where u work?
<ChrisLMB> : I'm the CEO at LowerMyBills.com
*** Ben174 (BenWright-at-TeraPro33-41.LowerMyBills.com) Quit (Leaving)
psychobadboy
06-10-2004, 04:07 PM
<Ben174> : If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when the bandwidth picks up after hours.
<ChrisLMB> : If any of my employees did that they'd be fired instantly.
<Ben174> : Where u work?
<ChrisLMB> : I'm the CEO at LowerMyBills.com
*** Ben174 (BenWright-at-TeraPro33-41.LowerMyBills.com) Quit (Leaving)
That one is great! :rofl:
<ChrisLMB> : If any of my employees did that they'd be fired instantly.
<Ben174> : Where u work?
<ChrisLMB> : I'm the CEO at LowerMyBills.com
*** Ben174 (BenWright-at-TeraPro33-41.LowerMyBills.com) Quit (Leaving)
That one is great! :rofl:
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