ok ok one more bar joke

ok this guy walks into a bar and sits down and looks to the end of the bar and there is a huge gorilla sitting there, so the guy looks to the bartender and asks what a male gorilla is doing in the bar and the bartender looks back and says "oh its a girl and she knows a few tricks to."
interested the guy says what can she do?
so the bartender walks over and grabs a baseball bat and smashes the gorilla on the head with the bat and the gorilla looks up and then gives the bartender the best blow job he has ever gotten.

after hes done he comes back to the guy and says "you wanna give it a try" and the guy looks at the bartender and says "sure but you dont have to hit me with the bat"

I laffed :lol2:

Okay, clearly you guys need a little education in the ways of the bar joke.

High up in a building, about 40-50 stories, is a bar. Inside this bar everyone is drinking, and the atmosphere is fairly relaxed. Suddenly a man gets up from the bar, where he was previously sitting, and in his clearly inebriated state, walks to the window. Once he reaches the window he opens it up, and without warning tosses himself out it. The whole bar is shocked, and many people rush to the window, but to their amazement he comes soaring back up, and deftly lands on the window sill. One of the people in the bar asks him how he did it, and the man says "It isn't really that difficult, you jump out the window, and a few stories down there is a flagpole. You use the flagpole as a springboard and leap back up into the bar". The man, clearly amazed decides he is going to try the jump, so he throws himself out the window, only to fall all the way down without seeing a flagpole, then hitting the ground and dying. The first jumper walks nonchalantly to the bar in order to get another drink, when he gets there the bartender says "You know Clark, your a real asshole when your drunk".

:lol2: Now THAT'S comedy.

Man I love that superman joke :lol2:

i've heard a variation of that joke, just can't rememeber it!

i've heard a variation of that joke, just can't rememeber it!

The variation is a blonde joke.

Superman jokes rule!

I laffed too :D

:lol2: second one was better, first one blows!!! :lol:

#1
There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner.
The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.
After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man "What are you staring at?"
"Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot.
I was wondering if you were my son."

#2
A guy walks into a bar and buys a pint.
A bowl of peanuts at the bar start to tell him how good looking he is and how much they think he will get the ladies tonight.
Confused he walks over to the fruit machine to have a few games.
The fruit machine tells him it fucked his mother last nite and that she was shit.
Even more confused he walks back to the bar and asks the barman what the fuck is going on.
The barman says"well the nuts are complimentary and the fruit machine is just out of order"

first one dumb, second one ok, both of these last 2 sucked

heres a dumb cheesy one to add:

this guy walks into a bar with a girraffe, they both drink and drink and drink untill the bartender tells them they've had enough and need to leave, so the guy starts walking out and the giraffe passes out about half way, so the bartenders says to the guy "hey, you can't just leave that lyin there!" and the man replies "thats not a lion, thats a girraffe"

ok and now a non bar joke

what do michael jackson and wal-mart have in common?

they both have boys pants half off

have we done the irish man barjoke?

this irish guy walks into a pub in new york, and orders three pints of guiness (what else?) and proceeds to sip from each one a little at a time. when he finishes all three, he asks for three more. puzzled, the bar keep says "you know, i could just give them to you one at a time, and that way they would be cold"

to which the irishman replies "oh, no thank you, you see the thing is, im one of three brothers, and we all moved to different parts of the world. but we made a pact that any time we went to a pub, we would drink two extra pints for our brothers"

"why, thats great." replied the bar keep, and poured him three more pints. "what a wonderful way to keep your family in your heart.

well, time passed, and the mick and his ritual became a part of local lore and any evening, anyone could go to the bar and see him drinking from three glasses.

then one day, he steps up to the bar, and orders only two pints. the bar falls into a hush and all eyes are on the irish guy. he sat in silence drinking from only two glasses, instead of three. a few other regulars called the bar tender over (expecting the worst) and eventually talked him into finding out exactly what happened. when the irishman orders two more pints, the bar keep hands them over and then says "i dont mean to pry, but we would like to offer our deepest condolences"

the irishman looks puzzled for a while, and then a sense of understanding comes over his face and he replies

"oh, its nothing of the sort, i gave up drinking for lint"

heard that one too many times.....

I heard the first one, but it was a monkey and an old man. The second one I heard was that he said it was because there was a stong updraft and he just hovered outside the window and the guy says "superman" instead of clark, but i still love hearing that one!

A man sitting at a bar notices a jar of $50.00 bills on a shelf behind the bartender. He asks what they are there for. The bartender replies that if you put $50.00 into the jar and succesfully do three things you get to keep all of the money. So the man deposits $50.00 and asks what the first thing is. The bartender points to the end of the bar where a 6'5", 350lb man is sitting. He says you have to knock that big guy out cold. The man says no way, give me a shot instead. So he gets a little more drunk, and says, bartender whats the second thing you got to do. The bartender takes him into the back room where there is a crazy pitbul. He says this dog has an infected tooth and you have to pull it. The man says fuck that give me another shot. After a few more drinks the man asks the bartender, what's the third thing that you have to do. The bartender points out this beautifal woman and says she is a nimphomaniac, and you have to satisfy her. At this the drunk man picks up a beer bottle and cracks the big guy over the head. He falls over knocked out. The drunk guy goes in with the pitbul, there is a lot of racket, the dog yelping and squealing. The door swings open and the drunk walks out, the dog following with a smile on its face. The drunk yells out, now where is that nympho that needs her tooth pulled.

:lol2: long, but good

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."
She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."
They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.
She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."
He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."
The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."


#2
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Two gay guys walkin down the street when all of a sudden a drunk walks out of a bar and starts chasin these two gays mouthin obsenities at them. After a while he catches one and starts hittin him, the other nowhere to be seen. When he`s finished beating the first guy up he stands up "If i could find your pal I`d shove this f@*kin bottle up his arse"......."I`m in the bushes" comes this little voice.

Really bad I know....sorry

#2
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

:repost: And on the same thread!!!

Ok ok --

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

Ok let me give it a shot.

A guy walks into a bar and has a seat, he orders his drink and takes a look around. Then he notices a piano in the corner being played by the absolute smallest person he's ever seen, not much more than a foot tall. He calls the bartender over and asks "where did you find that little guy playing the piano?" "Well," says the bartender, "in the alley out back there's a bottle, rub it and a genie will pop out. That's were I got the mini piano player." So the guy goes out back and finds the lamp, he rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie asks him for one wish, so the guy says "I want a million bucks!". All of the sudden there are tons of ducks flying everywhere, so the guy runs back in the bar. He goes to the bartender and says "What the heck is with that genie? I asked for a million bucks and all I got were ducks!" The bartender says "hey, do you think I asked for a thirteen inch pianist?"

Ok one more, this one a buddy of mine(who happens to be half-mexican) told me.

This big scary looking mexican guy is sitting at a bar quietly sipping on a beer. Out of the corner comes a gay guy, who slowly sidles up behind the big mexican and leans over his shoulder. He whispers in his ear "how would you like to get a blow job?". At that the mexican jumps up and drives the gay guy into the floor with one solid punch. He then walks back over to the bar and quietly sips on his beer some more. The bartender walks over and asks "What the heck just happened? What did he say to you???". "I don't know man," says the mexican, "something about getting a job."

Ok I'm done! :)

chaser29 that last one was pretty good...


I GOT ONE!

2 guys walked into a bar, the third guy ducked! :p

sorry i had to!