More Raz Kaz Funnies

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front
of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a
woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,
and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel
like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes,
he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button
at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man
approaches.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm
holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
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A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436"
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A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."
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One day while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. "Father this place is great, but there is one thing missing".

"What is that my son", God answered.

"Well it would be nice to have a mate, I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animal have mates but me. All I'm asking for is a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who has a sex drive like mine, never has a headache and one who will cook, clean and be at my beckon call morning, noon and night." said Adam.

"Wow that's a tall order, but I have just such a creature in mind, but it's going to cost you". said God.

"Oh yeah, how much?" said Adam

"An arm and a leg." replied God.

Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"

"PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

That is all for now, let me know if you guy's want more funnies and I shall supply

rookie

quite funny

On day God sees Adam humping the shit out of a hole in a tree... God says to Adam, "What are you doing to that tree?" Adam goes to god, "I have to get my pleasure one way or another but i just cant think of a way... but i am kinda getting sick if fucking holes in trees, they give me splinters and are just not doing anything for me, not to mention they are a little rough on my dick!!" God laughs and says, "Well what would you like me to do about that?" Adam replies, "I want something to give me pleasure but be smooth and not give me splinters!" God says, "ok i guess i can do that and i'll make it someone who will also keep you company." Then poof theres a woman laying on the ground with her legs open, Adam takes one look at her and gives her a swift kick to the cunt! the woman replies, "Ouch what the hell was that for, why did you kick me?" Adam replys, "Just checkin for squirls!" :icon16:

lmfao....luv'd that last one!!!

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date.
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Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my Dog!!"

More?

We've already had a few 'worst jokes' contest - many of these were entrents :loser:

OMG!!! I love those!! the one about the panties made my fiance spew her soda when she read it :)

Two Thumbs up!

Hmmm..... seems I've been absent too long...

Hmmm..... seems I've been absent too long...
Your welcome to contest, our fighting for funniest AF member shall be very entertaining for others...

ive got 1....

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves.

The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."

Your welcome to contest, our fighting for funniest AF member shall be very entertaining for others...

I hardly think it would be a contest...

Good ones tho :grinno:

I hardly think it would be a contest...

Good ones tho :grinno:
Wait are you backing me up or him :sly: ?

:spit: The glove one made me fall off my chair!

Your welcome to contest, our fighting for funniest AF member shall be very entertaining for others...

Okay, I've got a joke!

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?







"Where's my fucking tractor?"

Wait are you backing me up or him :sly: ?

you have missed a few joke cotests. it always boils down to yogs and tonio.

Your welcome to contest, our fighting for funniest AF member shall be very entertaining for others...

Funniest AF member? You seem to have an over inflated opinion of these (reposted) jokes you've put here.

Funniest AF member? You seem to have an over inflated opinion of these (reposted) jokes you've put here.
I haven't seen any ont his site for as long as I've been here...but if you can prove me wrong then I shall never opst another joke

ok this isnt a joke but its still funny :smokin:

Mens Guide to Female Talk

We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
The Answer To a Female Saying "What's Wrong?":
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam.

What Women Really Mean

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

funny how most women always mean the oppisite of what they say. look at the "female hormones found in beer" thread. its funny but true. :smokin: im gonna look 4 mor jokes....

k heres 1...

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early.

So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.

The boss left and so did they. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so she could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date. The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. "No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

I haven't seen any ont his site for as long as I've been here...but if you can prove me wrong then I shall never opst another joke

Don't stop posting your jokes. I was just amused by your asumption that posting somebody elses jokes here made you one of the funniest members on the board. :loser:

I haven't seen any ont his site for as long as I've been here...but if you can prove me wrong then I shall never opst another joke

You've been a member a few months and decide that because you have never seen the jokes here they evidently haven't been posted here?

Yeah, keep posting!! I like 'em!:sunglasse

heres another.... (gonna talk 2 m8 who has loads of good jokes wen he comes online)

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ten dollars."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample, and deposited the $10.

The computer made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

I posted that one last year sometime but it was still funny!:p

Sorry guys I always thought reposting was taking someone else's joke that was posted on this site and reposting it as your own. As far as claiming to be AF's funniest member, I know it'snot MY material, but see who can post the funniest joke.
On a side note, if you guy's like 'em, i'll keep posting them

I like 'em.:sunglasse

k heres mor

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
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A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

keep em comin raz kaz :smokin:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians use a pencil
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A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in. "Mommy, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, "That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, dear." The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?"
"Jewellery, dear."
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Paddy was looking for work, and his mate told him that they needed someone up at the Blacksmiths. Paddy went to see the bloke, and said, "My mate tells me your looking for someone to work here."
"Yes, that's right." said the Blacksmith, "Can you shoe Horses?"
"I'm not sure," said Paddy, "but I once told a Donkey to fuck off."

well, if you throw enough out there, there is sure to be a couple of funny ones

good going guys

heheh i got loads...
John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?” The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s the night!"
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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to gook girls and boys."

She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

lol still crax me up

Ive heard those before...Keep 'em coming guys
Rules for seeing my Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your trousers ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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How to fail your Driving Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"

3. Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.

5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.

6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."

7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"

8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

9. Fill your car with beer bottles.

10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

11. Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

13. Swear at everybody on the road.

14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

15. Beep your horn at everything.

16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
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Groucho Marx quotes

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five."

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

"Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!"

"You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?"

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"

"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know."

"There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man."

"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book."

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

"It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."

"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did."

"Women should be obscene and not heard."

After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host both sat down at center stage.
Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."

"Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?"

"Time wounds all heels."

"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."

"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"

"I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along."

"Whatever it is,... I'm against it."

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

"Quote me as saying I was misquoted."
:lol2:

Gotta love groucho!

heard these?

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
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Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"

They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."
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Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

mor where that came from :smokin:

LOL, I've heard all of those except the last one...still funny though.
Rules of Dating (for College)

1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody's horny.

2. In an imaginary world, "I really like spending time with you" and "you're cool" mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means "will you fuck me?"

3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love, in college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.

4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.

5. In an imaginary world, men aren't afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, "Why do you think?" Refer to number one for definition.

6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college it's a fuckfest or pretty close to it.

7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, you're lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by. Or if they do call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.

8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desperate, and nice guys finish last.

9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who don't even know each others names.

10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you are the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jeff, Gretchen, Andi...
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Computing Definitions

Access Time: The time between the instant at which information is called for, and the instant at which management expects the final report.

Analog: what Ana tosses into the fire.

Assembler: One who drops his card deck.

Bandwidth: Limited by the size of the stage.

Bit: The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.

Breakpoint: The point at which programmer increments past last bit available.

Buffer: Programmer who works in the nude.

Chaining: A method of attaching programmers to desk, to speed up output.

Character density: Number of weird people in the office, divided by floor space.

Checkpoint: The location from which a programmer draws his salary.

Console: What one does to a depressed computer.

Copy protection: Wearing a condom.

Core storage: A receptacle for the center section of apples.

Counter: An area over which martini's are served.

Crash: What a detached programmer would dearly love to do, for at least eight hours.

Cursor: An expert in four-letter words.

Default: De line west of which de state of california will float off to sea at de next major quake.

Device: Medieval torture instrument such as thumbscrew, iron maiden.

DAT: The opposite of DIS.

Documentation: A manual which tells you how to use a program, system, or utility one version ago, and which is now unsupported.

E-mail: An on-line escort agency specialising in the provision of drugged men.

Error: What someone else has made when they disagree with your computer output.

Escape sequence: Distract guard. Dig tunnel. Cut through fence...

External Storage: Wastebasket.

Fixed Word Length: Four letter word used by programmers in a state of confusion.

Hardware: The parts of a computer that can be kicked or the nuts, bolts, and circuit boards "left over" after repairman has reassembled cpu.

Home computer: What you tell your computer when it follows you.

Hypertext: Text on amphetamines.

Ink jet: a plane used for sky writing.

I/O Device: Note you sign for the bank in/order to get loan for new (old) car.

Library: An organized collection of obsolete material.

Loop: See loop.

Low Order Position: The programmer's location in the chain of command.

Machine-Independent Program: A program which won’t run on any machine.

Mainframe: Primary person who just got set up for the blame of the system crash.

Microsecond: Amount of time needed for a program to bomb.

Modem: What the gardener did to the lawns.

Multi-sync: Can be sunk more than once.

Nanosecond: Measure of time on Mork's planet Ork.

Off-Line: Uncharitable remarks programmer makes to wife or husband upon being phoned at 9pm to come in because system just crashed.

On-Line: Programmer trying to deal rationally on phone with management at 9pm.

Password: The nonsense word taped to the side of you monitor.

Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works or, rather, might work under certain circumstances, or was rumoured to be working about a month ago.

Peripheral: Now you see it, now you don't...

Printout: A document to verify data you know is wrong anyway.

Programmer: Red eyed mumbling mammal, capable of communicating with inanimate objects.

Source file: One which was "appropriated" from one of the competitors.

Switch: When management changes its mind.

Word wrap: Black music.

Ymodem: because, modem.