Why can't I be happy?
speediva
03-22-2004, 10:32 PM
HUGE RANT that I have to get off my back so I can stop crying and go to bed. If you want to read it, go right ahead. It's a bunch of self-made-drama that means nothing whatsoever, but I just can't hold it in any longer, and I don't want to be judged by the guys for it. If you don't want to read it, I don't blame you. I don't even want to.
Every time I think things are going great, I always end up in another bout of tears spouting for no reason whatsoever. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me very deeply. His family has treated me as one of their own from day one. My family is more than accepting of him. He loves the things I like (riding, cars, etc.) and though he's far more passionate about them than I am, he loves that I'm trying to learn. He tends to be a bit jealous, but nothing I can fault him for since I am jealous in general myself.
SO WHY DO I LET MY FIRST LOVE STILL PLAY A ROUND OR TWO???
He has been "out of my life" in THAT WAY for years now, but I always find myself crawling back to him. Often, as he has sadly endured, it's out of lonliness. However, he has unveiled to me that he "never thought he'd lose me". I still love him DEEPLY as a friend. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. I really don't. He and I always had a sort of bargain... like if we happened upon eachother 10 years down the road and life brought us back together again that we'd know we were meant for one another. But now I'm in this 8.5 month relationship with my boyfriend, with whom I have indeed discussed marriage for the future. The first love still wants that spot with me. I have these dreams, you see. I dream that I am holding my first-born child and the father is over my shoulder and I look back with tears of joy in my eyes. Only 2 guys have been in this dream: the first love, and the current b/f. For so many years I've just "known" that one day I'd marry that first love of mine. Even though he never really told me, he's apparantly wanted that dream for himself with me. Now I just feel his heart break when he tells me that he never thought he'd lose me to someone else. I love my b/f. I love him deeply, but I have nightmares that one day I'll find myself bored with my life with him and "supplement" with others. I don't want that, and the fear that I could even DREAM about it makes me dread making a decision. I mean, I graduate college in a year, and then I'll have a real job with responsibilities and it won't just be romance by trial, it will be the real thing.
The first love basically knows everything about me. He was the first person I told when I was raped. He threatened to kill the person who did it, and only stopped when I begged and pleaded. He knows about my periodic depression (even though he tends to dismiss a good deal of it). I think he even knows about the time I cut myself. I haven't grown comfortable enough in 8 months to tell my b/f about that yet. The first love was there for me when I had the single worst breakup of my life. He and I would talk for 5 hours every night and never get bored. I didn't even start to date him until 9 months after I met him on the phone. I loved him so deeply and completely. I basically had a nervous breakdown the night we broke up. I cried until I thought I'd just die from pain. Every time I read the book he gave me, it stings a little inside. I've become addicted to the author, and begun to read several of his series. And again, I think about where it all started, and I feel the pain again. I don't really have anything with the b/f that I feel so passionately about. I did get him a 1:8 scale remote control Porsche 911 that he likes a lot, but it's just not the same.
I don't even know where I've strayed to now. I'm still crying, and I have class in the morning. I will probably delete this before anyone can read it. No response is necessary or expected. Thank you.
Every time I think things are going great, I always end up in another bout of tears spouting for no reason whatsoever. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me very deeply. His family has treated me as one of their own from day one. My family is more than accepting of him. He loves the things I like (riding, cars, etc.) and though he's far more passionate about them than I am, he loves that I'm trying to learn. He tends to be a bit jealous, but nothing I can fault him for since I am jealous in general myself.
SO WHY DO I LET MY FIRST LOVE STILL PLAY A ROUND OR TWO???
He has been "out of my life" in THAT WAY for years now, but I always find myself crawling back to him. Often, as he has sadly endured, it's out of lonliness. However, he has unveiled to me that he "never thought he'd lose me". I still love him DEEPLY as a friend. I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. I really don't. He and I always had a sort of bargain... like if we happened upon eachother 10 years down the road and life brought us back together again that we'd know we were meant for one another. But now I'm in this 8.5 month relationship with my boyfriend, with whom I have indeed discussed marriage for the future. The first love still wants that spot with me. I have these dreams, you see. I dream that I am holding my first-born child and the father is over my shoulder and I look back with tears of joy in my eyes. Only 2 guys have been in this dream: the first love, and the current b/f. For so many years I've just "known" that one day I'd marry that first love of mine. Even though he never really told me, he's apparantly wanted that dream for himself with me. Now I just feel his heart break when he tells me that he never thought he'd lose me to someone else. I love my b/f. I love him deeply, but I have nightmares that one day I'll find myself bored with my life with him and "supplement" with others. I don't want that, and the fear that I could even DREAM about it makes me dread making a decision. I mean, I graduate college in a year, and then I'll have a real job with responsibilities and it won't just be romance by trial, it will be the real thing.
The first love basically knows everything about me. He was the first person I told when I was raped. He threatened to kill the person who did it, and only stopped when I begged and pleaded. He knows about my periodic depression (even though he tends to dismiss a good deal of it). I think he even knows about the time I cut myself. I haven't grown comfortable enough in 8 months to tell my b/f about that yet. The first love was there for me when I had the single worst breakup of my life. He and I would talk for 5 hours every night and never get bored. I didn't even start to date him until 9 months after I met him on the phone. I loved him so deeply and completely. I basically had a nervous breakdown the night we broke up. I cried until I thought I'd just die from pain. Every time I read the book he gave me, it stings a little inside. I've become addicted to the author, and begun to read several of his series. And again, I think about where it all started, and I feel the pain again. I don't really have anything with the b/f that I feel so passionately about. I did get him a 1:8 scale remote control Porsche 911 that he likes a lot, but it's just not the same.
I don't even know where I've strayed to now. I'm still crying, and I have class in the morning. I will probably delete this before anyone can read it. No response is necessary or expected. Thank you.
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