Some Laffs For You.
Suislide
08-23-2003, 02:48 AM
A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mum asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!", says the mum.
A while later the father comes home and the mum says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today." Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mum is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Alright! That's my boy!", says Dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks Dad. The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."
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On a tour of Australia the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the West coast. His 4 x 4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an Eagles football jersey, struggling to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Freo Dockers tops roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into it's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Eagles fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi - conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore. It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach.
Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of West Australia but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true".
"I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations". He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that?!"
"That," one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom". "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows fuck all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one???"
-------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"
------------------------------------------------------
A young man signs on to work at an offshore oil rig, and as he's getting his orientation to the place, one thing keeps coming to mind. After seeing every part of the platform, he finally gets up the courage to ask the manager. "Um, what do you do if you start to get, well... you know, lonely? You know, for a woman?"
"Oh, we've got that one taken care of for you. You see that barrel over by that wall with the hole in it? Any time you get the urge, just go over there and stick your penis in the hole in the side of it."
The new guy leaves it at that, and starts his first day. About half way through the day, he starts really thinking about the barrel. Giving in to temptation, he tries it and gets the best blowjob he's ever had in his life. That evening, the manager calls him back into the office to see how his first day went. The young man replies "It was great! I'm going to use that barrel every day I'm here!"
The manager grinned and said "Well, every day but Thurs- days." "Why not Thursdays?" "Because that's YOUR day in the barrel."
-------------------------------------------------------
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realised he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, That's what I need, a new suit.
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said "Let's see, you're a size 44 long". Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "Sure". "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll he said "Sure". The man eyed Joe's feet and said "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old. The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
----------------------------------------------------
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mum and Dad?" and she replied, "They're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mum and Dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mum and Dad?" and his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What's going on here?" The little boy replied, "Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline... and I gave him Super Glue."
----------------------------------------------------
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving down from Wick to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot three and like a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and a tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens the car door and drags him from the seat onto the road. "Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate", "but..." stammers the driver, "Now... or I'll bloody kill you" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate.
Thinking of the girl on the roadside this only takes a few seconds. "Right" says the highlander "Do it again!" "but..." says the driver. "Now...!!" So the driver does it again. "Right do it again" demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk. "Do it again" says the highlander. "I just can't anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside. "All right" he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."
---------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny looked worried... "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away." "Why?" said his father. "Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, I think he wants to buy Mum."
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Enjoy! :biggrin:
A while later the father comes home and the mum says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today." Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mum is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Alright! That's my boy!", says Dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks Dad. The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."
---------------------------------------------------------
On a tour of Australia the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the West coast. His 4 x 4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an Eagles football jersey, struggling to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Freo Dockers tops roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into it's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Eagles fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi - conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore. It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach.
Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of West Australia but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true".
"I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations". He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that?!"
"That," one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom". "Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows fuck all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one???"
-------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"
------------------------------------------------------
A young man signs on to work at an offshore oil rig, and as he's getting his orientation to the place, one thing keeps coming to mind. After seeing every part of the platform, he finally gets up the courage to ask the manager. "Um, what do you do if you start to get, well... you know, lonely? You know, for a woman?"
"Oh, we've got that one taken care of for you. You see that barrel over by that wall with the hole in it? Any time you get the urge, just go over there and stick your penis in the hole in the side of it."
The new guy leaves it at that, and starts his first day. About half way through the day, he starts really thinking about the barrel. Giving in to temptation, he tries it and gets the best blowjob he's ever had in his life. That evening, the manager calls him back into the office to see how his first day went. The young man replies "It was great! I'm going to use that barrel every day I'm here!"
The manager grinned and said "Well, every day but Thurs- days." "Why not Thursdays?" "Because that's YOUR day in the barrel."
-------------------------------------------------------
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
-------------------------------------------------------
The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realised he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, That's what I need, a new suit.
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said "Let's see, you're a size 44 long". Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "Sure". "Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve." Joe was surprised. "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes." Since Joe was on a roll he said "Sure". The man eyed Joe's feet and said "9-1/2E." Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said "Why not." The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old. The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
----------------------------------------------------
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mum and Dad?" and she replied, "They're up in bed." The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mum and Dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed." Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mum and Dad?" and his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed." The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What's going on here?" The little boy replied, "Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline... and I gave him Super Glue."
----------------------------------------------------
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving down from Wick to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot three and like a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and a tweed shirt.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens the car door and drags him from the seat onto the road. "Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate", "but..." stammers the driver, "Now... or I'll bloody kill you" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate.
Thinking of the girl on the roadside this only takes a few seconds. "Right" says the highlander "Do it again!" "but..." says the driver. "Now...!!" So the driver does it again. "Right do it again" demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating gibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk. "Do it again" says the highlander. "I just can't anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside. "All right" he says, "NOW you can give my daughter a lift to Inverness."
---------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny looked worried... "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away." "Why?" said his father. "Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, I think he wants to buy Mum."
----------------------------------------------------
Enjoy! :biggrin:
agh2
08-23-2003, 05:33 AM
They're quite funny :lol: :cwm27: :grinyes: :cool:
JeffForSale!
08-23-2003, 02:15 PM
:lol: :lol:
TheNotoriousMogg
08-23-2003, 03:22 PM
:spit: that 1st one is just plain wrong :grinno:
Hobbes
08-23-2003, 03:44 PM
Good ones S13. :grinyes: :grinyes:
grimmy
08-23-2003, 05:34 PM
nice selection
Suislide
08-24-2003, 01:21 AM
:spit: that 1st one is just plain wrong :grinno:
that's why it rocks!
good choice of smilie. i literally spit my drink when reading some of these before posting them...
that's why it rocks!
good choice of smilie. i literally spit my drink when reading some of these before posting them...
Sean
08-24-2003, 01:32 AM
:rofl: :rofl: :cwm27: :iceslolan
their all new to me, except the first one.
their all new to me, except the first one.
YogsVR4
08-24-2003, 11:16 AM
Some down under twists to some classics :lol:
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