JOTDs
Oz
07-15-2003, 02:32 AM
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn.
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
He was already starting to blister and in agony.
The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
He was already starting to blister and in agony.
The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"
The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
Oz
07-15-2003, 02:32 AM
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool." says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool." says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
Oz
07-15-2003, 02:32 AM
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off!"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off!"
Oz
07-15-2003, 02:33 AM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy".
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny".
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy".
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy".
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny".
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy".
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
Oz
07-15-2003, 02:34 AM
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.
He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
TheNotoriousMogg
07-15-2003, 02:54 AM
haha those are good ones 0zy:bigthumb:
zebrathree
07-15-2003, 03:08 AM
Hahaha. I like the last one best.
CRUNCHED_UP___!
07-15-2003, 03:16 AM
lol!!! at least your not being sexist this time OZ!!!!:bigthumb:
Toksin
07-15-2003, 03:30 AM
Originally posted by CRUNCHED_UP___!
lol!!! at least your not being sexist this time OZ!!!!:bigthumb:
Hi 207010
Bye 207010
:loser:
lol!!! at least your not being sexist this time OZ!!!!:bigthumb:
Hi 207010
Bye 207010
:loser:
zebrathree
07-15-2003, 03:33 AM
Ohhhh shit. I want to make a sexist remark...but Im not a fine enough line as it is.
Crunched up, I want you to know that I am thinking of a very sexist remark. I just cant say it. So...yeah.
Crunched up, I want you to know that I am thinking of a very sexist remark. I just cant say it. So...yeah.
ac427cpe
07-15-2003, 09:53 PM
:spit: those were great! finally some good new NON REPOST jokes!
lordvektra
07-16-2003, 12:35 PM
the last one was the best :dogpile:
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