Jokes
Oz
05-23-2003, 04:17 AM
Q: What's the difference between a bon*r and a Bonus?
A: There's a good chance your wife's gonna blow the bonus!
Two burglars break into a house,one says to the other be very quite,ok says the other.
Jesus,they hear from the dark
shut up, the first one says again.
I didn't say anything.
Well who spoke?
Turning on the light the see a parrot calling out Jesus
I'll talk to the parrott to keep it quite,Hello parrott whats your name?he says
Moses says the parrot.
The burgular laughs and says
"What kind of weirdo calls their parrot Moses?
The same weirdo that calls his rottie Jesus.
An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. she started to repay me with sexual favors."
"You were both in great danger, two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a basketball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, " I want to go to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there."
At that, one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said,
"Why don't you go to hell. There aren't any nuns living there."
A group of 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other teacher.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, assisting them in directing the flow away from their clothes.
As the teacher lifted one boy, she couldn't help but notice he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said "you must be in the 4th.?"
No Ma'am, he replied, I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 5th.
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a
terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says
his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the
case.
They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly
upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened?
How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident
resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what
will be her prognosis?" "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable.
However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability.
This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll
have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones
begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued,
"you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of
course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular
basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge
whenever and quite often I'm afraid, Of course you must clean her
immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting
regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither
off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.
"Hey, I'm just playing with you man , she's dead"
A: There's a good chance your wife's gonna blow the bonus!
Two burglars break into a house,one says to the other be very quite,ok says the other.
Jesus,they hear from the dark
shut up, the first one says again.
I didn't say anything.
Well who spoke?
Turning on the light the see a parrot calling out Jesus
I'll talk to the parrott to keep it quite,Hello parrott whats your name?he says
Moses says the parrot.
The burgular laughs and says
"What kind of weirdo calls their parrot Moses?
The same weirdo that calls his rottie Jesus.
An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. she started to repay me with sexual favors."
"You were both in great danger, two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a basketball game (with their habits partially blocking the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, " I want to go to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there."
At that, one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said,
"Why don't you go to hell. There aren't any nuns living there."
A group of 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other teacher.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, assisting them in directing the flow away from their clothes.
As the teacher lifted one boy, she couldn't help but notice he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said "you must be in the 4th.?"
No Ma'am, he replied, I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 5th.
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a
terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says
his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the
case.
They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly
upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened?
How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident
resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what
will be her prognosis?" "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable.
However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability.
This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll
have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones
begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued,
"you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of
course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular
basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge
whenever and quite often I'm afraid, Of course you must clean her
immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting
regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither
off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.
"Hey, I'm just playing with you man , she's dead"
tonioseven
05-23-2003, 08:47 AM
Oz rulez:sun: :sun: :sun:
Jimster
05-23-2003, 08:51 AM
Originally posted by Oz
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a
terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says
his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the
case.
They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly
upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened?
How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident
resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what
will be her prognosis?" "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable.
However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability.
This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll
have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones
begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued,
"you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of
course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular
basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge
whenever and quite often I'm afraid, Of course you must clean her
immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting
regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither
off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.
"Hey, I'm just playing with you man , she's dead"
I somehow don't think I should be laughing at that one
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a
terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says
his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the
case.
They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly
upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened?
How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident
resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what
will be her prognosis?" "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable.
However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability.
This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll
have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones
begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued,
"you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of
course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular
basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge
whenever and quite often I'm afraid, Of course you must clean her
immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting
regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither
off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.
"Hey, I'm just playing with you man , she's dead"
I somehow don't think I should be laughing at that one
Damien
05-23-2003, 09:29 AM
Originally posted by Jimster
I somehow don't think I should be laughing at that one
I agree. The last one was...um...very wrong. :(
The others though...:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:
I somehow don't think I should be laughing at that one
I agree. The last one was...um...very wrong. :(
The others though...:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:
YogsVR4
05-23-2003, 10:47 AM
Why don't you go to hell. There aren't any nuns living there. :D :D Good ones OZ
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