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Old 12-12-2005, 09:22 PM   #1
CamaroSSBoy346
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The Bathroom Story...

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning
computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething
cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over
forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the
process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal,
following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch
at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with
subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things
would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order
for my wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way backto the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.
I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have
numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

0.Occupied.

1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

2.Poo on seat.

3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of
toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and
sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being
next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds
of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone
conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of
Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer
cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand
against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded
with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone
ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.
The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not
unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency
of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became
apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's
continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the
bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a
gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way underthe stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had
ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of
choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear
that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear
that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and
blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in
me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later,
in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to
ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now,
all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he
desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made
themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up...
in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..."
followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at
the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding
down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear
words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I
could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal
announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily
into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a
fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him
running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage.
I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew
that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that
unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl.
Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom
with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a
face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the
bathroom.

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Old 12-12-2005, 09:49 PM   #2
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Re: The Bathroom Story...

LOVED IT!!!!!!!

rofllmfao!!!

my roommate is staring...
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Old 12-12-2005, 09:58 PM   #3
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Re: The Bathroom Story...

The way the initial poo shot is desribed is priceless! I salute whoever wrote that. It has a very good range of vocabulary too.
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Old 12-12-2005, 10:35 PM   #4
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Re: The Bathroom Story...

We have a bonefide novelist here at AF!!
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Old 12-12-2005, 11:28 PM   #5
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Re: The Bathroom Story...

lol, funny stuff
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Old 12-12-2005, 11:28 PM   #6
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Re: The Bathroom Story...

holy shit... (pun intended?)
i'm only half way through the read, but i gotta post first, this is HILARIOUS!! You are quite the author. +1 to MagicRat's reply!
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Old 12-12-2005, 11:47 PM   #7
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Easily one of the best written pieces to grace the Off-Topic section in quite sometime. Certainly to be bookmarked for many returns.

The most hilarious part was I had Pachabel's "Canon in D" playing in the background.
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Old 12-13-2005, 12:14 AM   #8
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Re: The Bathroom Story...

Emoticons Related To This Topic:
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This is the result of way too many drugs coursing through the veins of one person in too short of an amount of time!!!

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Old 12-13-2005, 12:22 AM   #9
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Re: The Bathroom Story...

That made me laugh so hard i spit my dip out, congradulations. You have sucseeded where many have failed.
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Old 12-13-2005, 12:25 AM   #10
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Re: The Bathroom Story...

This is signature link worthy.
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A must visit: Fecklessthings
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Old 12-13-2005, 12:26 AM   #11
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Re: The Bathroom Story...

OMG the funnyist thing I've read in a while. I almost started laughing in the middle of my ASM class here at Wyotech. I dont know how I more more sorry for; you, the guy in the next stall, the guy who has to clean it or the poor shitter.... Damn man
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Old 12-13-2005, 12:50 AM   #12
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Re: Re: The Bathroom Story...

Quote:
Originally Posted by CivicSlayr
This is signature link worthy.
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Old 12-13-2005, 05:38 AM   #13
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Re: The Bathroom Story...

omg f*ck*ng hilarious, roflmfao
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Old 12-13-2005, 09:32 AM   #14
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Re: The Bathroom Story...

hahahah holy sh1t. I haven't laughed like that in a week. Thats funny stuff there
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Old 12-13-2005, 11:19 AM   #15
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Re: The Bathroom Story...

Well told. I feel like I was there in person. And bravo on a super poo.
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