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Old 10-24-2006, 01:33 PM   #46
Rebel Racing 3
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

A redneck oil change
The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337
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Old 10-24-2006, 01:35 PM   #47
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

John and Bill went on their annual camping and hunting trip.
John spent the first night drinking beer and talking about how many deer he hoped to shoot.
The next morning they got up early, John wasn't feeling good, so Bill went off hunting without him.
John was so hung over that when he went to take a dump, he fell asleep sitting there on the log.
Bill got a deer early and camme back to find John sleeping. As a joke he gutted the deer, put the insides under John, and left without waking him.
An hour later John wondered back into camp, his face white as a sheet.
"What's wrong?" asked Bill.
"I drank so much last night I shit my guts out," said John, "But by the grace of God and a greasy stick, I got them all back in!"
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Old 10-26-2006, 03:53 PM   #48
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

27 things to do in an Elevator:

>001.) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on
>the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.


002.) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go
back for more.


003.) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
>wrong ones.


>004.) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
>know what floor your on.


>005.) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a
>while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"


>006.) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
>scream, "That's mine!"


>007.) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.


008.) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask
if they have an apointment.


009.) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
>play.


010.) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if
>they can hear ticking.


>011.) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
>procedures and exits with the passengers.


012.) Ask, "Did you feel that?"


013.) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.


014.) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't
>panic, they open again!"


>015.) Swat at flies that don't exist.


>016.) Tell people that you can see their aura.


017.) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.


>018.) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering,
>"Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"


>019.) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside,
>ask, "Got enough air in there?"


>020.) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
>without getting off.


021.) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,
>"Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.


>022.) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
>passengers.


023.) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

>024.) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.


025.) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce,
>"I have new socks on".


026.) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
>other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"


>027.) Bring a plastic blow up doll and pretend it is your
>wife/girlfriend and say "Don't yell at me woman!" and throw her into
>the wall.
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Old 11-01-2006, 12:05 PM   #49
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

A man comes home from work one night. He finds his wife with her coat on, and her bags packed. He says," Where the hell do you think you're going??" She says" I hear in Vegas, you can get $400 a blowjob." I might as well make money off what I give you for free.He thinks about this for a minute or two. Then says,"I'll be right back." He comes back 5 min later with his bags packed. She says" Where the hell do you think you're going??." I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year!!!
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Old 11-03-2006, 06:08 PM   #50
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Talking The Post Turtle

A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.

The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:

"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb bastard get down."
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Old 11-06-2006, 01:50 PM   #51
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

I know it's a week past Halloween, but this joke was too good to save until next year:

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible

headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.



He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going

to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time

being spoiled by not going.



So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly

for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she

decided to go the party.



Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would

have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not

with him.



She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the

dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little

feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up

to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high

and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let

him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.



Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off

they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at

midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into

bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for

his behavior.



She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a

time he had.



He said: - Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when

you're not there.



- Did you dance much?



- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met

Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played

poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy

I loaned my costume to......."
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Old 08-15-2007, 06:11 PM   #52
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

ouch!!!!
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Old 08-15-2007, 06:32 PM   #53
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by thecackster
ouch!!!!
You brought back a year old thread to post that?
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Old 08-16-2007, 09:07 AM   #54
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

oh shit, sorry i was in a sting of links and didn't even notice, i thought it was still stickied..... i'll go die now.
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Old 02-24-2009, 01:32 PM   #55
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

'Bout time for another joke.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out.

After several minutes he re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter..





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Old 03-03-2009, 12:16 PM   #56
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

'Is there a problem Officer?'

The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'

'You don't have one?'

The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

The policeman says, 'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'

'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'

The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'

The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'
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Old 03-04-2009, 02:50 PM   #57
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.' Hey, nice tie!' comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the barman to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.

'Hey! Nice shirt!' The man looks up but, again, the barman is engaged elsewhere.' Hey! Nice suit!' The man then calls the barman over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.

'It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts.'
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Old 03-05-2009, 07:13 AM   #58
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

During their recent divorce case, the judge mentioned that Heather Mills was unstable. Sir Paul McCartney told the court that a beer mat under the left leg usually did the trick.
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Old 03-09-2009, 08:32 AM   #59
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

Skilled hands

A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the
local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and
learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained
a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if
there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark, "You put the engine back together
again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." This equaled an A.

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.
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Old 04-18-2009, 10:35 AM   #60
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Re: Official AF Joke Thread

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes, eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.


The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'

The guy says 'No, what?'

He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!'

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.' He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

'Did you see what your monkey did now?' he asks.

'No, what?' replies the guy.

'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out and ate them!' said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'
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