What the fudge? My car is possesed!!!!

Ok beat this! I was at a christmas party blah blah blah... I drove Dad and i home, and locked the car (central locking) then this morning, i walked out into the driveway, and heard my car go "clunk clunk" all by itself!. The same sound you hear when you try to lock your car, when it is already locked! My car is trying to lock itself again and again. That happened at 10am, and now tonight it is still trying to lock itself.

I put the remote locker into the "pod reciever" in the glovebox, to overrun the system, to try reboot it. No joy. But then the car locked me in! So i unlocked the door from the inside, and the alarm was triggered, as the car thought i was a burglar or something like that!

I have now disconnected the battery and then reconnected it, to try screw it over. No hope. It is still locking itself!
Also, i can central unlock all the doors, but it will NOT let me central LOCK all doors. I now have to do them all seperately! I walked away from it and was nowhere near it! It still clicked away as it locked itself again and again...

Can anybody offer help or advice on this? Its a 1997 Toyota Camry Station Wagon CSi with central locking... any opinions?

Low battery voltage/current can make relays chatter. Install a known good battery or charge the battery and have it load tested. Thoroughly clean the battery connections and the chassy ground connection from the negative battery cable.