Kwality gags

Some of these are awesome :bigthumb:


Dodo died, Dodi died, Di died, Dando died....... Surely Dido must be
looking a bit worried.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to
sleep
at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was
two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I
looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say
something
funny then. "I told them I had just graduated from flying school"
Ahmed Ahmed at C34

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.

She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said,
"All
right, but we won't get much done."
Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called
jail.
Colin Ramone at The Stand

I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't
work
out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you
not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what
job I have and has a nice big pair of b o o bs?" And she checked on her
computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its
hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well.
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Woolworths
and
punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, Paul Litchfield and Dan Mersh at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have
botox.
The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.
Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
girl
out of Cork........
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an
Egyptian
princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
Ahmed Ahmed at C34

and yet most of them are stupid.......

and yet most of them are stupid.......

its just not our kinda humor.
i did like the smacked one.

and yet most of them are stupid.......
It's called dry humour.

most of them dont make sense.... to me anyways...

hehe the ones i got were funny

"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms "

" saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron "

"Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its
hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well.
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance "

I've seen some of those comedians perform, which makes it funnier for me i guess... .still think they're great.. Probably have to be UK / oz / kiwi to get some of em.

I thought they were pretty funny

That was good. And I get most of them

Funny stuff :lol:

Those were all good. Luv the last one...
"An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an
Egyptian
princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
Ahmed Ahmed at C34"

i got all of them, probably because i have so much english/irish family.

most were hilarious.

I got most of them...

lol
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its
hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well.

i love that one, and the princess one, lol.

'I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I
looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say
something
funny then. "I told them I had just graduated from flying school"
Ahmed Ahmed at C34'

This one is pretty good.

'I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I
looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say
something
funny then. "I told them I had just graduated from flying school"
Ahmed Ahmed at C34'

This one is pretty good.

Yeah except it wouldn't be funny if you really said it, they take that shit seriously now.